Getting Out of the Closet
by AngelofMusic8578
Summary: OK, so me and Erik are hanging out in the magic closet one day when, alas, we are locked inside! Will we escape without killing each other? Will the rabid phans drive us nuts? And who ate all the popcorn? R&R.
1. Trapped in the Closet

**Well, here it is! I had gotten a lot of requests to write a closet-spoof during my last fic, and this is what I came up with.**

**For those of you who have never read my fics before, allow be to introduce myself… I am AngelofMusic8578, better known to everyone as Angel, or the Authoress. And I keep Erik in my closet… That's right! He's the Phantom of my Closet! In my previous fics, I used Erik to buy reviews from my readers, telling them that any girl who reviewed got to spend the night with Erik in his closet. We got some real parties going some nights, with the girls bringing anything from popcorn, to s'mores, to clodhoppers. Erik would also help me answer reviews too, allowing everyone a deeper look at his sarcastic, grumpy side. The A/N's turned out to be pretty funny, to the point where readers liked reading them as much as the actual story!**

**Finally, people started requesting a closet-spoof about me, Erik, and the rapid closet-phans. I thought the idea was cute, but I had no clue what it would be about! But this idea occurred to me the other day, and I hope it works out alright. This is my first attempt at a humour fic, so constructive criticism is always welcome, but no flaming please… My philosophy is: Don't like it, don't read it.**

**And instead of answering reviews this time around, anyone who reviews gets to be _in_ the fic! Awesome, eh? I think the end result should be pretty amusing. So with no further ado, here's the closet-spoof!**

XxXxX

**_Trapped in the Closet_**

You know what makes an authoress' day? Logging onto her e-mail and finding her inbox crammed full of review alerts. As an authoress, I love reading reviews… even bad ones! So you can imagine how excited I was when I woke up on Saturday morning… I had gotten eighteen reviews on Thursday morning… twenty-one on Friday morning… and of course, I knew full-well what any reader of fanfiction does on a Friday night… After a long week of school and homework, they get online and review some more! I was expecting my inbox to be overflowing with review alerts.

So after I got dressed and fed my cats, I went into my closet…

Now why, you ask, would I enter my closet? Well, here's why: I pushed a few shirts aside and pushed a secret button that only I and one other person know about… I'll tell you about that other person in a minute…

When I pushed the secret button, a secret doorway opened and I passed through a secret tunnel into a secret room…

OK, maybe it's not that secretive, considering hoards of hormonal girls come here almost every night… No, not to see me! Rather, it's my _partner_ that they seem to have an interest in…

"Angel, have you ever thought of getting a _real_ life?" a voice called out grumpily as I entered the room.

"No, not really," I replied nonchalantly.

_That_ would be my partner. Erik is his name. No last name, though. And if you are one of the millions of phans out there, then you know exactly who I'm talking about… Erik, the Phantom of the Opera… You know, with the theme music and the mask and the swishy cloak? I bought him on E-Bay, and he's been living in this secret room of my closet ever since. Really, I thought he would be quite the gentleman, but he's actually rather sarcastic.

Erik was lying stretched across the beat-up leather couch at one end of the small room, remote in hand, channel-surfing on the eighteen-inch screen TV. Typical male. The room was lit by a single bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling. In the opposite corner of the room was my desk with my PC. I went over to it and turned it on. While I waited for it to warm up, I went over to the couch where Erik was still channel-surfing.

"What's on?" I asked.

"Nothing that would interest you," he said without looking up from the TV.

"Would it kill you to be pleasant for once?" I grumbled as I pushed his legs off the couch and sat down. "Ooh!" I said, as I got a glimpse of the news channel. "Gas prices are going down!"

"Huzzah, huzzah…" Erik muttered.

I shot him a look. "I'm just trying to make conversation!"

"Why do women always have to make _conversation_?" he growled. "I'm trying to watch TV!"

"You _always_ watch TV! Why don't you get a hobby?"

"I have one!" he snapped. "I write operas during commercial breaks!"

I sighed and shook my head. Erik could be quite impossible sometimes.

After a long, awkward silence, Erik finally perked up. "Hey! _The Grudge_ is on SCREAM TV!" With a maniacal laugh, he flipped to the channel.

"Ugh! I hate this movie!" I protested. "I had a nightmare about it last night! I dreamed I was locked in some motel-sort of building and the creepy Asian lady's ghost was chasing me! Then Frankenstein tried to decapitate me in an elevator!"

"Sounds like something out of my fantasies," Erik smirked.

I made a motion to punch him, but then the creepy Asian ghost appeared on the screen. I screamed and buried my face into Erik's chest.

"Get off of me, you wuss!" he snapped, shoving me away. "It's just a movie, for goodness' sake! It won't hurt you!"

"I don't care!" I cried, snatching the remote away. "Let's watch something that _normal _human beings watch!" I flipped the channel. "Here! This is a nice movie!"

Erik shot me a look. "This is _A Walk to Remember_!"

"It's sweet," I smiled.

"It's so cliché! Bad boy falls in love with nice girl? It's so stupid!"

"Are you sure you aren't just a little bitter that the nice girl actually loves the bad boy back instead of leaving him for some foppish rich guy?"

Erik crossed his arms. "For the final time, _I_ broke up with Christine!"

"Mm-hm… Sure you did…" I flipped the channel again. "Oh, it's the _Red Green Show_!"

Erik rolled his eyes. "Who on earth could be entertained by a stupid Canadian guy named Red Green? It's absurd!"

"Look!" I exclaimed. "Red's going to make a wood-chipper out of a K-car!"

"Change the channel!" Erik ordered. "I can feel myself getting dumber just watching him!"

I flipped to the next channel. "Hey! _Royal Canadian Air Farce_! They're at the 'Talking to Americans' portion!" I giggled. "Rick's got them all thinking that Canada just legalized staplers!"

Erik rolled his eyes again. "That's the stupidest prank I've ever heard of!"

Sighing, I gave Erik the remote back, resigning myself to the fact that we wouldn't be able to agree on anything. I went over to my PC. After waiting for the crummy dial-up to finally connect to the Internet, I immediately went to hotmail. Tapping my fingers on the desk, I waited while hotmail signed me in.

Then the absolute worst thing happened… A screen popped up informing me that the sign-in failed. There was too much traffic in hotmail right now.

"_Merde_!" I cursed. "I hate dial-up!"

"Tsk, tsk," Erik shook his head. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Sulkily, I went back over to the couch and plopped down. "It probably won't be free for another hour," I mumbled. "Man, as soon as I get the money, I'm buying high-speed!"

"Considering the salary you are paid at that little café washing dishes," Erik said, "you won't have enough money for another two years, seven months, and five days… By that time, no doubt, high-speed will be obsolete."

I looked at him. "How'd you figure that out?"

Erik shrugged. "I'm a genius."

I sighed. "Erik, what would you do if your boss was giving you a salary that would starve a field mouse while at the same time cutting your hours because business sucked?"

Erik thought for a minute. "I'd write him a vaguely threatening note demanding an increased salary… And if he failed to comply, I'd kill him…"

I rolled my eyes. "There's only two things wrong with that plan, Erik… One, it won't work, and two, I'll go to jail!"

Erik smirked. "In that case, can I have your room?"

I opened my mouth to respond when suddenly there was a distant, ominous _clunk_. Erik and I stared at each other wide-eyed.

"Angel?" he said tentatively. "Please tell me that wasn't the secret door shutting!"

In a flash, we ran through the tunnel. In my heart I hoped against hope that it wasn't what I thought it was. We reached the edge of the tunnel, and my heart sank like a stone.

The secret door was closed! But how? Who could have done this?

Erik pawed at the door. "Surely there is some mechanism that we can open this by?" he asked.

"Are you nuts?" I shrieked. "I didn't get one installed on this side of the door because I wanted to keep you _in_! If there was a way to get out from here, you could go running off with rabid phan-girls every time I turned my back!"

"You mean we're _stuck_ in here?"

I could feel a panic attack coming on. "It'll be OK," I said, trying more to assure _myself_ than Erik. "Someone will notice I'm missing and come looking. We'll be out of here in no time!"

Erik rolled his eyes. "Angel, you're the only one who _knows_ about that secret door!"

I paused as the realization sunk in. "I've gotta get outta here!" I screamed.

"Angel, calm down!" Erik said, though I could tell that he was just as freaked out as I was. "We must not panic… We must remain calm…"

After a brief moment, we were both pounding on the door. "Help! Help us! We're trapped in the _closet_!"


	2. Rabid PhanGirls

**Alas, I do not own the Phantom of the Opera… Please don't sue me…**

XxXxX

_**Rabid Phan-Girls**_

I moaned in despair as I collapsed on the couch back inside the closet. How could such a potentially good day go so terribly wrong?

"It's horrible!" I cried as Erik sat down beside me. "I'll be stuck in here forever!" I stared at him in terror as fear wrenched at my heart. "With _you_!"

"Gee, thanks!" Erik said sarcastically.

"_Well_?" I cried. "Don't just sit there! You're supposed to be a genius! Think of something! Get me out of this closet!"

Erik rolled his eyes. "Try your cell phone."

"Right!" I pulled out my cell phone and turned it on. But then it beeped, the little red light on top flashed, and the display went black.

"No!" I shrieked. "The battery's dead!"

"Oh, _great_!" Erik said. "Don't you ever charge that thing?"

"OK," I said. "The cell phone's useless. What else can we do?"

"Maybe you could send an e-mail to someone and tell them to come let us out."

"That won't work!" I cried. "Hotmail's still jammed up! I can't log on!"

Erik shrugged and stood up, walking over to the small pantry that stood beside my desk. "Well, look on the bright side, Angel," he said. "At least we have plenty of food to sustain us for… oh, say… two, maybe three weeks?"

"Three weeks with _you_?" I cried. "I'd rather starve to death!"

Erik shrugged. "More for me, then…" He opened the pantry and looked inside. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Who ate all the popcorn?"

"Probably Hollom," I replied miserably. "He's always _borrowing_ things!"

Erik growled as he slammed the pantry door shut. "He and I are going to come to blows one of these days!"

I sat up. "Well, maybe one of your phans left some more popcorn for you in a review," I said as I got up and went over to the computer.

"But hotmail's down and out!" Erik said.

"Sure, but I can still read reviews at the fanfiction site…" I logged on and opened up my stories. "Look! There have been ten new reviews since I checked last. Let's see what they say…" I clicked on the button.

Suddenly, my computer screen started glowing weirdly. The PC emitted a strange static-noise.

"Wow," Erik said dryly. "This is like _Signs_ all over again!"

"Erik!" I cried jumping from my chair and backing away from the now-smoking machine. "I think I broke it! Oh, will nothing go _right_ today?"

A great bright like shone forth from the monitor. Then the screen spit ten girls out of its glowing depths. They landed on the cold floor with a thump. All at once, my PC was back to its old self, no longer smoking or glowing.

"OK," Erik said, shifting his glance between the PC and the odd characters on the floor. "That's the weirdest thing I've seen today."

The people whom my PC had just regurgitated looked about the room dazed.

"I can't believe it!" I shrieked. "It's Tadriendra, Elly, Saripunkinpie, Jedi Knight Padme, MJ-Skywalker, Silent Phantasy, Mrs. Gerard Butler and… and…" I glanced at the other three girls. "I don't know those people…"

Erik shot me an odd glance. "Do your friends always come to visit via your computer?"

"It must be the work of my omnipotent PC!" I said with conviction. "It must have known I was trapped and teleported these reviewers here!"

"How interesting," Erik said, not sounding interested at all. He sat down on the couch and picked up _The Daily Phantom_. He stretched out his long frame on the couch as he read the newspaper. "So did your PC send these reviewers here to help us escape?"

"Doubtful," I admitted. "Though at least I won't lose my sanity."

"OH MY GAAAAWWWD!" Tadriendra of Mirkwood shrieked when she suddenly realized where she was. "I'M IN ERIK'S CLOSET!" Then she glanced over at the other seven girls. "Hey, what're y'all doin' down there?" she demanded. "It's _my_ turn in the closet! Out!"

"Hey, no way!" Sari said, crossing her arms. "I've been waiting all week to get into the closet!"

The three girls whom I did not recognize glanced about themselves. "Where the heck are we?" one of them asked.

MJ turned to Elly. "What happened?" she whispered. "I was just reviewing Angel's story, then there was this blinding light, and now I'm sitting in a small dark room and that looks like the Phantom of the Opera on that couch over there reading a newspaper…"

"_Erik_?" Elly cried delightedly. "Oh, yay! Something wonderful has just happened! We're in the closet!"

Jedi Knight Padme got to her feet and the _Imperial March_ started to play. "Darth Padme Skywalker returns!" she laughed evilly.

"Uh, oh," I muttered. "She's turned to the Dark Side again…"

Phantasy had landed on her head. She sat up and rubbed her sore noggin. "Muse!Erik? Muse!Erik? Where'd you go? Huh? Where am I? Is this a trick, Muse!Erik?" She pulled out her squirt gun. "Muse!Erik, you have been bad! Bad muse! Show yourself!"

Mrs. Butler shot her a glance. "Who are you talking to?"

"My muse!" Phantasy exclaimed. She glanced at the couch where Erik was still reading _The Daily Phantom_. "That looks like him over there! Bad muse!" She prepared to fire her weapon.

Sensing that a cat fight was about to break out between Tad and Sari, and that MJ-Skywalker was about to attack the treacherous Padme, and that Phantasy was about to squirt poor, unsuspecting Erik (_snicker_), I decided to speak up.

"I'd love to watch this scene play out," I said, "and then write a tragically romantic fanfic about it… But we have a bit of an emergency…"

"Angel!" Elly shrieked happily. She ran straight for me and wrapped me up in a rib-cracking lung-crushing hug. "I'm so, so, so glad to _see_ you!"

"Ugh…" I gasped out. "El… Elly… Can't… breathe…"

"Erik!" Sari and Tad cried in unison. Forgetting their brawl, they jumped onto the couch on either side of Erik. Sari immediately threw her arms around Erik's waist and started smothering him with "smoochies." Tad started cuddling.

"Ugh!" Erik grunted, dropping his newspaper. "Clingy, rabid phan-girls!"

"Er… ik… Erik…" I wheezed, still trapped in Elly's embrace. "Help… need… oxygen…"

"Do I look like I'm in any position to come to your rescue?" Erik asked incredulously as he found Tad had moved onto his lap.

Mrs. Butler looked at Erik and sighed. "He really doesn't look like my handsome Gerik…" She shrugged. "Oh, well!" Then she joined Tad and Sari on the couch.

Phantasy still had her water gun pointed at Erik. "Get out of the way!" she shrieked at the three on the couch. "I can't get a clear shot!"

MJ calmly walked over to me and Elly and took a look at my blue face. "Elly? Her eyes are bugging out."

"Oops!" Elly let me go and I gasped for breath.

"Tremble before the power of the Dark Side!" Padme started levitating the television set.

"Will someone please tell us what's going on?" one of the three strangers demanded.

I glanced at them. "Uh… Who are you guys?"

"I'm Mrs. Malfoy."

"I'm Invaderoperaghost."

"I'm Angel of Mystery."

"I see," I murmured. "I'm AngelofMusic8578, or Angel, if you prefer. You're in my closet."

"How'd we get here?"

"Simple," Erik said, attempting to pry Mrs. Butler off of his chest. "You reviewed."

The three girls stared at Erik. "OH MAH GAWD!" they shrieked. "IT'S ERIK!"

So now Erik had to defend himself against _six_ rabid phan-girls. Elly joined them, squeezing onto the tiny space that was left on the couch, bringing the total to seven.

MJ faced Padme. "You have betrayed the Jedi!" she accused. "You were supposed to fight the Sith, not join them! You were supposed to bring balance to the Force, not throw it into darkness! You have become the very thing you swore to destroy."

"Stop quoting Episode Three!" Padme shrieked. "I haven't seen it yet!"

"The Dark Side, I sense in you," MJ said solemnly.

"It's seems this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force," Padme declared. "But by our skill with the lightsabre!"

Both girls reached for their lightsabres… and came up empty.

"You fiend!" MJ cried. "You have stolen my weapon!"

"No!" Padme shot back. "_You_ stole _my_ weapon!"

"Hey, ladies, calm down!" I said. "My PC probably took your lightsabres when it transported you here."

"Oh," MJ said. "So what _are_ we doing here?"

"Well," I sighed. "We have a little problem… Erik and I are locked in the closet…" 


	3. Failed Escape Attempts

**OK! I don't own the Phantom! Do you have to flaunt it in my face?**

XxXxX

_**Failed Escape Attempts**_

The ten girls in the closet all looked at me and blinked.

Then they all burst out in hysterical laughter.

"I fail to see the amusement in this situation!" Erik scoffed.

Tad chuckled as she wiped a tear from her eye. "It was bound to happen eventually…"

"One question…" MJ said. "Would you rather be stuck in the closet with Angel… or Fantine?"

Erik grimaced as he remembered the hot-tempered Phantomess from one of my other fics. "How about neither?"

"I've got a great idea!" Mrs. Malfoy cried. "Angel should totally write a romance fic about this!" She stood up on the couch and dramatically told the story. "Angel and Erik are stuck in the closet, and have no hope of escape! Emotionally shattered, she breaks down in Erik's comforting arms. They fall in love! Then a week later they are discovered by an electrician who accidentally discovers the secret closet, and Angel is freed! But she can't stop thinking of her beloved Erik, and then she received news that she is with child, and–"

"Stop talking now!" Erik cried. "I just had breakfast!"

I wrinkled my nose. "An ErikxMe fic? Ew."

"Now," Erik said. "I believe Angel was about the ask the lot of you to help us find a way out of the closet."

Mrs. Malfoy gasped. "Never! Fate has brought you two together! I refuse to help you leave until you fall in love!" With that, she leapt from the couch, ran across the room, and jumped and disappeared through my PC's monitor, presumably returning to wherever it was she came from.

"Hey! That looks wicked!" Elly jumped up from the couch and jumped through the monitor after Mrs. Malfoy, followed by Tadriendra.

Erik blinked. "OK… That's the second weirdest thing I've seen today…"

My PC started glowing and smoking again. A few seconds later, it spit six more characters at us… Five girls and a guy…

"Hey!" I said. "I know some of those people!" Darklady5289 and the Dancing Egg had joined us… Along with four strangers…

"Where the heck are we?" the guy asked.

"Um… Who are you?"

"The Insane Justin."

"Don Juanita Triumphant."

"Alateriel567."

"Kataraxzukoshipper."

I blinked at the last name. "Uh… Do you have a nickname? Can I call you KZ?"

The girl seemed to mull this over in her mind. "KZ? I like it! It makes me sound like a rapper!"

"Where are we?" Justin demanded again.

I groaned and went through the process of explaining to the newcomers where they were and the current situation.

"Stuck in the closet?" the Dancing Egg giggled. "It's like the R-Kelly song!" She burst into song. "**_Now he_'_s lookin_'_ at the closet_!_ He_'_s walkin_'_ towards the closet_!_ Now he_'_s openin_'_ the closet_!_ The closet_!_ The closet_!**"

"Oh, Lord," Erik said, rubbing his temples. "I have a headache."

The Dancing Egg started prancing around the room and, well, dancing! Then she fell down. "Gosh, darn it!" she cursed. "My pony bit me on the knee and now it's all infected and I can't walk!" She crawled over to the couch and dramatically threw herself across Erik's lap. "Save me, luvah-boy!"

Erik wrinkled his nose. "Ew. The neosporen on your knee is running."

Darklady sighed. "It seems the only way to figure out an escape plan is to have a look at that troublesome secret door."

So, all fifteen of us crowded the narrow passageway and came to a stop at the secret door, which stood solid and mocking.

"Well, perhaps we could knock it down with something?" Justin suggested.

"You know," MJ said, "if I had my lightsabre, I could slice through this door in a jiffy!" She frowned. "Stupid, witchy, (INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) computer! It ate my lightsabre! Do you have any idea how much time it takes to build a new one?"

"Maybe I have something we could use to help us," Padme said. Immediately, she began emptying her pockets. She pulled out a ball of string, a bracelet that said 'Sith rock,' a sewing needle and thread, and a piece of old chewing gum.

"I was wondering where that went," she said as she popped the gum into her mouth.

Angel of Mystery put her ear up against the door. "I don't hear anyone on the other side."

Alateriel pushed her aside. "Oh, let me through!" she demanded. "You need a person of intelligence for this sort of job… rescue… escape… thing…" She lifted a hand and knocked on the metal door.

_Taptaptap_… _Tap_…_ Tap_…_ Tap_… _Taptaptap_!

"What are you doing?" Mrs. Butler asked.

"Morse code," Alateriel muttered.

"Oh, stop that!" Invaderoperaghost cried after about ten minutes. "No one is going to hear you!"

"We really must try to knock down this door," Sari said.

"Hey!" Justin cried. "Don't you steal _my_ idea!"

"Well," Erik sighed, "this door is heavy. You'll need something to hit it with. Something solid, and heavy."

Padme suddenly grabbed MJ by the hair and started hitting the poor Jedi's head against the door.

"Ow!" MJ cried. "Stop! Stop!"

Padme released the girl. "Sorry… I thought your noggin fit the criteria."

I think Padme should have been grateful that my PC ate MJ's lightsabre, because the girl looked so steamed that I'm sure she was just itching slice the Sith master down to size.

"Let's go back to the room," I said. "We aren't accomplishing anything out here."

So we all returned to the main room and tried to think of a plan.

"Has anyone got something to eat?" Erik asked after about an hour of brainstorming, which amounted to whole lot of nothing. "I'm starving!"

"I brought some of my baked goods," Phantasy said.

"I brought a caramel apple," Sari said.

"I brought chocolate-covered cherries," Don Juanita said.

"I brought popcorn," KZ said.

"Popcorn!" Erik cried, practically mauling the poor girl. "Where is it? Where's the popcorn?"

"Say? What's that glowing red button on the wall?" Padme asked. She stood up and started walking towards the strange button.

Erik looked up. "Huh? No, don't touch that!"

Too late. Padme pushed the button. A strange mechanical noise came from behind the wall. Suddenly, the wall lifted up to reveal _another_ secret room within the secret room!

I looked at Erik. "Erik! Where did that room come from?"

"I, uh…" Erik looked sheepish. "I had it built…"

"You had _this_ built?" I shrieked, looking at the strange room. "Whatever for?"

"Well," Erik said. "It's like a… study experiment… for my fic!"

"_Fop_-_Torture for Dummies_!" Darklady's eyes lit up. "I've been waiting for Erik to publish that!"

"What exactly is this room used for?" Angel of Mystery asked.

"Well, it's…" Erik sighed. "Basically, it's a torture-chamber…"

"Like in the book?" Invaderoperaghost cried gleefully. Then she frowned. "Hey, where are all the mirrors?"

"It's a different sort of torture-chamber," Erik explained. "I've decided to broaden my torture-techniques… Look at that!" Erik gestured at a strange-looking chair. "I call _that_, the Chair of Impending Doom!"

"Ooh," Don Juanita gazed at it in awe. "Pretty… What does it do?"

"Don't ask me that!" Erik cried as he hit the red button again, effectively closing the wall and hiding his torture-tools. "It's too horrible for me to talk about! I fear it would scar your innocent mind!" Erik turned on Padme. "Never, ever, _ever_ push the red button!" He turned to the rest of us. "And no one breathe a word about… the _Chair_!" He spoke the last word with an intense flare.

We all sat down, a little creeped out by Erik's weirdness, but choosing to forget about the torture room and its dreaded Chair… for now…

"Hey," KZ spoke up after awhile. "I have some candles! And some matches, too!" She giggled to herself and started lighting the candles and staring at them. "I'm a pyromaniac…"

"Oh, it's so romantic," Sari said. "And I have just the thing that will make this moment perfect!" She held up a DVD. "_The Phantom of the Opera_!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Erik screamed. But the poor man was helpless to do anything as the rabid phan-girls prepared a torture of their own.


	4. The Phantom's Torture

**I don't own the Phantom… Hey, today is Canada's Thanksgiving! Hehe! I love this country!**

XxXxX

**_The Phantom_'_s Torture_**

"Is this really necessary?" Erik grumbled as we handcuffed him to the couch.

"Yes," I said. "You're going to sit through every second of this movie and _like_ it!"

"Think of it as your own personal torture," Angel of Mystery said with a sly grin.

"Oh, I found some clodhoppers!" Padme said as she pulled a package of the chocolaty goodness from under the couch.

Erik glanced at her. "Do I get one?"

"Sorry, Erik," Padme shrugged. "It's part of the torture."

Erik growled. "I would like to hang you someday…"

Padme grinned. "Say, have you ever thought of joining the Dark Side? You'd make a great Sith Lord!"

The Dancing Egg leapt onto Erik's back with squeal. "Piggy-back ride, now!" she demanded, while beating him mercilessly with her fists.

"I'm handcuffed to a couch!" Erik cried. "Ow! Get off of me!"

"Don Juanita?" Alateriel said. "Can you pass some of those chocolate-covered cherries, please? I actually don't like cherries at all, but I don't mind licking the chocolate off of them!"

"Green olives, anyone?" Invaderoperaghost offered.

"Ew!" I said. "I hate olives!"

Invaderoperaghost shrugged. "More for me, then."

"I'm really curious, Erik…" Don Juanita said. "What does the Chair of Impending Doom do?"

"Don't ask me that!" Erik cried. "_Anything_ but that!"

"Anything?" Don Juanita repeated. "OK… boxers or briefs?"

"Shh!" Mrs. Butler said. "The movie's about to start!"

Erik wrinkled his nose (**well, he doesn't really have a nose, does he?**). "I hate this movie! Gerry Butler has _nothing_ on me!"

The slanderous statement made every single girl gasp and the room became as quiet as a graveyard.

"You _dare_ to insult Mr. Butler?" KZ cried.

"Scandalous!" Mrs. Butler shrieked.

"We boycott this closet until Erik apologizes!" Angel of Mystery declared. She ran towards my PC and disappeared through the monitor, followed by KZ.

"I'd go with them!" Mrs. Butler said. "Except we're about to watch _The Phantom_, and not even potty-mouthed Erik could make me give that up!"

"Oh, brother," Erik groaned.

Then my PC did it's smoking/glowing thing again, and suddenly we were joined by Babygrl258, Mrs. Malfoy, Generals Smurfs & Fluffies, MimaEtcy, Tadriendra of Mirkwood, Marianne-Abe, Haley Macrae, Elly McGregory, VagrantCandy, Estelle Tiniwiel, and confused Michelle.

"I'm back!" Tad sang as she plopped down on the couch.

"Are you and Erik in love, yet?" Mrs. Malfoy asked me.

"Uh… no?"

"Sugar muffins!" she cursed as she sat down on the couch.

The General sat between me and Erik, though she is a split-personality, so she talked to herself as much as she did to us.

"Hiiiii, Erik!" she giggled… That was Fluffies talking. Then she turned to me. "Angel, I enjoy your work… I find it very interesting…" I assume that was Smurfs.

Suddenly, the General turned on herself. "Stop flirting with her! You only say 'enjoy' and 'interesting' in the same sentence when you're flirting!" Fluffies again. The General smacked herself. "At least I don't glomp my Erik plushie every single day!" Smurfs that time.

"Oh, God help us," Erik mumbled. "Her alter-ego is a man…"

"And he/she is flirting with _me_!"

"I heard we're watching _the_ _Phantom_," Babe said (**I am loath to call her Baby… it makes her sound like, well, a baby!**).

"I brought pear drops and liquorice!" Estelle said as she started passing the goods around.

"I brought cans of soda for everyone!" Michelle said.

I blinked. "Soda? As in cream soda?"

Erik sighed. "Pop, dear. In America, it's called _soda_."

So we all sat down with our _soda_ and the movie began to play.

"I'll sit by _you_, Erik dear," Sari said as she cuddled up next to Erik.

"There's old Raoul!" Darklady giggled.

"How come when he sings he still sounds like a Backstreet Boy wanna-be?" Alateriel asked.

"Yeah, shouldn't he be coughing and choking and hacking?" MJ asked. "He's gotta be a million years old!"

"Oh, look!" Invaderoperaghost cried. "It's going back in time! It looks pretty again! Say, why is the future in black-and-white and the past in colour?"

"Because, my dear," Erik said, "I totally blew their minds!"

Carlotta's screeching began.

"Ugh!" Erik grunted. "I'd cover my ears if my hands weren't cuffed to the couch!"

"Here, I'll cover them for you!" the Dancing Egg said as she placed her hands on either side of Erik's head.

"However," Erik said, "Christine is looking mighty fine in that slave's costume… Mm-mm-mmm… Mighty fine…"

A few minutes later, Mrs. Butler started shrieking. "OH MAH GAWD! IT'S HIM! IT'S GERIK! I LOOOOOOVE YOU, GERIK!"

"I must commend you on dropping that scenery on her head, Erik," Justin said. "Man, that singing was horrible!"

"Now Christine is going to sing!" Don Juanita said. "Look Erik! It's you! Five floors underground!"

"Oh, wow," Erik said dryly. "Somebody pinch me."

So someone pinched his bottom. Ironically though, it wasn't Mrs. Butler.

"Was that really necessary?" Erik demanded. "Hey, look! _Now_ the Fop recognizes her! What a jerk!"

"Enough of that!" Sari said as she picked up the remote. "This is all boring! Let's skip ahead to my favourite part… Erik!"

"OH MAH GAWD!" Babe shrieked. "IT'S HIM! IT'S HIS HAND!"

"Oh, he's locking her in her room," Darklady said. "Scandalous!"

"How'd you make all those candles go out?" Michelle asked.

"Where'd all that smoke come from?" Mima asked.

Tad giggled. "Christine looks stoned."

"Maybe _that_'_s_ where all the smoke came from!" Marianne-Abe laughed.

"Hey!" Haley cried. "Look at those candlestick holders! They're _real_ arms!"

"Say, Erik," Elly said. "Do you, like, cut off the arms of people who trespass in your lair and make candlestick holders out of them?"

"Look, it's Caesar!" VagrantCandy cried. "Wait a minute… Leroux said he was white! Why is he black?"

"VagrantCandy!" Estelle gasped. "You can't just _ask_ people why they're black!"

"Look!" Padme. "It's Erik's house! Cool! The candelabras light up when they come out of the water!"

"Now Erik's gonna get all grabby with Christine!" Justin said. He looked over at Erik. "Can you, like… teach me some of your methods? This is good!" He stared at the screen. "Wow… Emmy sure is hot!"

Alateriel threw some popcorn at him. "Ew! You can't say that about Emmy! You're only allowed to say those kinds of things about Erik!"

Justin looked incredulous. "But I'm a _guy_!"

"Oh, nuts!" MJ muttered. "The stupid girl fainted!"

"Wow, Erik!" Invaderoperaghost said. "You have a dummy, a doll house, and pictures centred around Christine, and you've made a _room_ for her, too? I think this is bordering on obsession."

"You think?" The Dancing Egg asked.

"Hey! There's Buquet!" Darklady said.

"The scoundrel!" Don Juanita spat.

"Erik's gonna do him, good!" Sari said.

"Look, there's Christine again!" Phantasy cried.

"No! Don't take off his mask!" Babe shrieked. "Don't take it off!"

"No!" Mrs. Malfoy cried. "She took it off!"

"Ooh, Erik," the General said. "You are ugly when you're angry!"

Erik scowled. "I'm also ugly when I'm happy… and sad… and drunk… and depressed…"

"No!" Mima cried. "The stupid managers are disobeying Erik's orders! Bad managers!"

"Now they're kissing Carlotta's butt!" Tad said. "Ew!"

Marianne-Abe laughed. "Ha! Erik is switching Carlotta's throat spray! So that's how he did it!"

"Ew!" Haley said. "Christine's feeling up Carlotta!"

Erik grimaced. "I can never kiss Christine again, now."

"Ha!" Elly laughed. "Listen to her croak!"

"Stupid, Buquet!" VagrantCandy said. "Only a moron would chase the Phantom! He deserved to get hung! I'd hate to see him procreate…"

"You know," Estelle said. "Everyone is entitled to be stupid. Some people just abuse the privilege."

"Now the fop is running off with her?" Mrs. Butler said incredulously. "The jerk."

"Ew! He's kissing her!" Michelle said.

"I think I'm going to vomit," Erik said.

"Oh, poor Erik," the Dancing egg said. "His wittle heart is bweaking…"

"I think someone needs a hug," Phantasy said as she threw her arms around Erik.

"That's it, Erik!" Padme cried as Gerard Butler stood atop Apollo, declaiming his fury. "Vengeance is the only way! You kill that little fop-sucker!"

"Uh oh," I said as I glanced at the clock. "It's eleven PM. Erik had better go to bed now or he'll be grumpy tomorrow… Well… grumpi_er_."

"But… the movie!" Don Juanita cried.

"Don't worry," I said as I clicked off the light. "We'll pick it up again tomorrow. Good night!"


	5. The Phantom, Take Two

**Hehe… Here's a funny disclaimer I read someplace… It's cute… Erik's roses are red, Punjabbed Raoul is blue, I no own, you no sue! Isn't that funny?**

XxXxX

**_The Phantom_,_ Take Two_**

I awoke to the sound of chaos…

"Egg bombs!" the Dancing Egg shrieked as she prepared to unload on us all.

"No, don't throw those!" I cried. "They're a bugger to clean up! And they smell!"

"No, Justin!" Tad shrieked. "Those are _my_ Neiman Marcus bars!"

I sat up and watched as Tad chased Justin around the room. Meanwhile, Mima was pestering poor Erik, who was still handcuffed to the couch.

"Ten pounds of popcorn, Erik…" she said. "Ten pounds, if you just give me a back massage!"

Don Juanita was bouncing up and down on the couch. "**_This is the song that never ends_!**"

Padme attacked her and the two began duelling with Erik's plastic light-up lightsabres.

"En garde, evil Sith lord!" Don Juanita said.

"I shall give you the privilege of a swift death!" Padme declared.

After some time, Mima left Erik alone and Elly made herself comfortable next to him.

"So, how did you pay for the torture chamber?" she asked sweetly.

"I sold Angel's provincial coin collection on E-Bay."

I growled. So _that_'_s_ where my coins went!

"So why do you need a torture chamber just to write a fanfic?" she continued. "I mean, like, you're supposed to be a genius and all, shouldn't you be able to just come up with this stuff?"

"My dear," Erik said, "I may have quite the imagination, but even a genius likes to put his ideas to the test before writing them down… And it's just so much fun!"

"Say!" her eyes brightened. "Remember that torture song I wrote in Angel's last fic? That was fun!" She burst into song. "**_In the great opera house there is an old torture chamber_. _Oh, such a sweet chamber_._ Where Raoul and Carlotta suffer_. _So let the torture begin_!_ So let Carlotta be the first to suffer and see how Erik smiles as he nails her to the wall_. _Oh_, _let them suffer_._ Oh how Erik laughs when he does unspeakable things to her_._ Over and over_. _Now the little Raoul screams as he watches and is cut and beat and whipped to Erik_'_s desire_._ Oh_,_ let them suffer_._ Oh how Erik smiles while the fop screams_!_ Now it_'_s time_. _The back drop falls and hits its mark on Carlotta_'_s head_. _And the chandelier falls on Raoul_._ And this my friends makes Erik a very happy man_.**"

I love that song!

The Dancing Egg ran up to Erik and giggled as she saw that he was still restrained. "Ewik, I think someone needs a _spanking_!"

"Ack!" he cried. I've never seen Erik look more nervous in my life. "Get away from me! Bad rabid phan! Bad!"

Suddenly, Alateriel was at my side. "Angel? Do you have a b/f?"

"A what?" I asked, furrowing my brow.

"A b/f. A boyfriend?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Oh," she looked disappointed. "There's these guys in my youth group who say they really like Canadians and wanted me to hook you up with them… I mean, I don't know why they like you guys so much, it's not like Canadian girls are any smarter or any prettier or any more interesting than any other girls, but they sounded like they really wanted to meet you, so I told them I'd find out if you were single."

Then Tad came over. "Oh, Angel? I went home to check up on my Boys from Troy and Achilles was sulking and he won't tell me why… Any ideas on how to cheer him up?"

I rubbed my tired eyes. "How about clodhoppers? They'll fix anything."

I looked around. It seemed that MJ, Phantasy, Babe, the General, Haley, and Michelle had all disappeared. In their places were GerrysISUChick04, RowenaIsolde, Me and My Shadow, Spinner of Shadows, Lonemutant, Robika, XadenX, HikariAngel426, and some strange looking girl I had never met before.

"Who are you?" I demanded.

"And I wuz like o.0," she replied.

"That's nice," I said patiently. "Now who are you?"

"And I wuz like o.0!"

"I really don't care!" I said, frustrated. "What is your name?"

"And I wuz like o.0!" she said again.

I sighed. "Urrgh! Since you won't give me a straight answer, we'll just have to call you Jane Doe! Is that cool with you?"

She looked confused, but nodded her head.

"Ooh, Angel!" Invaderoperaghost cried. "You're awake!"

"Now we can watch the rest of the movie!" Mrs. Butler beamed as she popped the DVD into the drive and sat down next to Erik.

I sighed, taking a seat in front of the TV as we picked up at Act Two.

Justin laughed. "Andre's a chicken!"

"I think we all knew that already, Monsieur," Erik mumbled.

"They all think you're gone for good?" the Dancing Egg said. She shook her head. "Celebrating about it and everything… Wow, they jinxed it big time!"

"Hey, how come Christine is wearing pink when everyone else is wearing black, white, and gold?" Sari asked. "She is totally screwing up the colour scheme!"

"And she's engaged to the fop!" Mrs. Malfoy noted.

"Hey, look!" Tad said. "All the maids and servants are stealing the booze! And the midget's looking up that lady's dress!"

"Ew!" Marianne-Abe said. "Now Christine's kissing the fop again!"

Elly cocked her head. "You'd think these people all got together before the masquerade and rehearsed that little staircase-dance… Or maybe they're all just really good at coordinating!"

"The theme music!" VagrantCandy cried. "It's _him_!"

Estelle squinted her eyes. "Who's the hot guy in the red velvet? He must be evil."

Erik rolled his eyes. "It's _me_!"

"Hey," Darklady piped up. "Your costume clashes with the colour scheme, too! You and Christine were _made_ for each other!"

Mima grinned. "When they were filming this movie, this is the part where some 90-year-old grandmother stared at Gerry and said, 'Oh wow, I'd drop my knickers for him!'"

Erik grimaced. "Ew."

"Hey, it's like a musical staircase!" Chick said.

"Did anybody notice that Raoul just left Christine alone with her homicidal sociopathic stalker?" Rowena asked.

"Aww, look at poor Erik," the girl whom I named Jane said. "He looks so sad. Who could resist those puppy eyes?"

"Ah, the fop finally returns," Erik said. "Hey, wait a minute! Those people standing up in the balcony aren't real! They're all dummies!"

Shadow raised an eyebrow. "Erik, you seemed to fumble around a bit with that ring, there."

"I think you have possession issues," Spinner added.

"Ack!" Lonemutant said. "Erik burnt up!"

"No!" Robika said. "It's the torture-chamber!"

"What, did you expect the fop to hang himself by appointment?" Aden asked Erik. "He may be stupid, but I doubt he's _that_ stupid!"

Erik shrugged. "I had kind of hoped that he would accidentally walk into it."

"Now Madame is telling Raoul all about the Phantom!" the Dancing Egg exclaimed. "Aww… Look at the Phantom! He's so cute! I just want to hug him! Yeah, go Little Phantom! Strangle that Gypsy jerk!"

Alateriel raised an eyebrow. "So Madame Giry sees a nine-year-old kid choke the life out of full-grown man, and the first thing she thinks is, 'Oh, I'm going to bring him home with me…'? And she wonders why the Opera Populaire is going to Hell in a hand-basket!"

"There's old Raoul again!" Invaderoperaghost exclaimed. "Hey, what's up with the caribou?"

Erik smirked. "The fop fell asleep guarding Christine's room. Such bravery!"

"Why is she wearing such a low-cut dress to visit her father's grave?" Mrs. Butler asked.

Erik shrugged. "You know what they say… If you got it, flaunt it!"

"Hey!" Justin cried. "She _stole_ those roses!"

"Oh, no!" Hikari said. "Someone's knocked out the poor carriage driver. And now there's a creepy man hiding one side of his face sitting in the driver's seat. I wonder who he is?"

Erik rolled his eyes. "I don't believe this!"

"Erik?" Sari said. "If you've been living under an opera house your whole life, how did you manage to drive a carriage without Christine giving you so much as directions on how to get to the cemetery?"

"Genius," was all Erik said.

"Wow, that's a big cemetery," Mrs. Malfoy commented. "Lot's of dead people. I wonder what the crime rate was in Paris at that time? I'll bet half of them were murdered!"

"Hey!" Tad said. "Erik's singing from the mausoleum!"

"Cool!" Marianne-Abe said. "How'd you make the lights go on and the door open like that?"

"Oh, no!" Elly cried. "It's the _fop_!"

"Riding to the rescue upon a white horse," Erik muttered. "The pansy!"

"Hey, it's a fight!" VagrantCandy cried.

Don Juanita jumped to her feet. "_Le gasp_! I want to be Erik!" She picked up one of the plastic lightsabres. "I shall kill the fop!"

"Ooh, let me play the fop!" Padme said as she grabbed the other lightsabre. "How dare you try to seduce my girlfriend, you sexy fiend!"

Padme and Don Juanita duelled as Erik gawked at the TV screen.

"I _missed_ him!" he cried. "How could I _miss_ him? He was lying on the ground!"

"I shall kill you for being so foppish!" Don Juanita said.

"No!" Padme countered. "I shall kill _you_, therefore I will not have to worry about you returning in later fanfiction to steal Christine back after I become a homosexual with my brother!"

"I missed him _again_!" Erik cried. "This man they have playing me has lousy aim!"

Patrick Wilson knocked Gerard Butler to the ground and kicked his sword out of his grasp.

"Hey!" Erik cried. "He cheated! He stepped on my hand! Figures the fop would have to cheat to win!"

"Look, Erik," Estelle said. "They're plotting against you."

"As if I can't hear every word they're saying!" Erik muttered.

"It's you again!" Darklady said. "And in the sexy Don Juan trousers!"

"Say, how many wigs do you need?" Mima asked, noticing all the dummy heads and wigs sitting on the desk.

"You just set your doll house on fire!" Chick cried. "Why did you do that?"

"Foreboding, dear," Erik replied. "And I'm a pyromaniac."

"Oh, so that's why you have so many candles!" Rowena said.

Jane sighed. "There's Piangi. He's a sucky singer."

"And now Erik's gonna kill him!" Shadow grinned.

"Say," Spinner said. "Didn't anybody notice that Piangi suddenly got thinner? And taller? And younger? And sexier? And he sings better, too?"

"And lacks all the excessive eye make-up," Erik added dryly.

"Ooh, Erik!" Lonemutant said. "You're getting a little handsy with Christine now, aren't you? Bad phantom!"

"Hey, she wanted it!" Erik insisted. "Look! She's practically undressing herself!"

"She is?" Justin asked, looking a little too happy for my taste.

"Hey, Erik?" Robika asked. "Where'd that bump on your forehead come from? And why does your hair look so synthetic all of a sudden?"

"Look, the fop's gonna cry!" Aden smirked.

"No!" Alateriel cried. "She unmasked him in front of everyone! That's cold!"

"Not as cold as that," Invaderoperaghost said as Gerik cut the rope suspending the chandelier and dropped through the stage with Emmy.

"Ooh, there you are again, Erik!" Mrs. Butler exclaimed. "And may say that your bum looks very nice in those trousers… Mm-mm-mm… Very nice…"

Erik rolled his eyes. "Hmm… Mr. Butler's Scottish accent certainly shows through when he's angry…"

I shrugged. "My boyfriend thought he sounded Russian in this scene…"

"No!" Hikari cried. "_Don Juan_ is burning! It's burning!"

"It's alright, dear," Erik said. "I keep a spare, just in case."

"Oh," she breathed. "Good."

Erik smirked. "Hehe… the fop is drowning… drowning…"

"Hey, isn't that the fop's ring you're holding?" Sari asked.

"What?" Erik said. "Oh, no! That is totally wrong! I had my own ring! I did! I nice one, too. Not big and gaudy like that piece of junk!"

"Yet you're standing there holding his ring and Christine is in a wedding dress," Mrs. Malfoy observed.

"Ew," Tad said. "Why are you looking at her like she's a piece of meat?"

"Say, did anyone else notice that Christine's wedding veil disappeared for a minute, there?" Robika asked.

"Hey, I love Christine's French manicure!" the Dancing Egg exclaimed. "I wonder where she got it done?"

"Grr, the fop is back!" Erik growled.

"The idiot," Elly muttered. "He just walked straight into a trap. Never trust an enemy who willingly let's you into his home and acts like a perfect gentleman! He didn't even keep his hand at the level of his eyes!"

"Tsk, tsk, Erik," VagrantCandy said, shaking her head. "That's pretty cold. You've kind of given her a lose-lose situation."

"Ooh," Estelle giggled. "I like it when you make the fop choke!"

"Yes, I find it a rather amusing way to pass the time," Erik smirked.

"Oh, she's kissing you!" Darklady smiled. "That's so romantic!"

"Aww, you're crying," Mima said. "Poor Ewik… The nasty wittle girl made you cwy…"

"First of all," Erik said, "stop speaking to me in baby talk. Second of all, I was not really upset! I was picking up girls! Girls always latch on the sentimental ones! And look what it got me! A closet full of rabid, squealing _girls_! Look! I broke up with her! I told her to beat it! It was _me_! _I_ broke up with Christine! Oh, she begged me to take her back, but I wouldn't hear anything of it! I am quite content without her!"

"Wow," Chick said. "It must have been a real stab in the back for them to hug like that right in front of you."

Erik stared at the screen. He was _pouting_! Of all things! "They could have saved it until _after_ they left… But, nooooo! They just had to kick me while I was down!"

Rowena wrinkled her nose. "Ew, where'd that ugly monkey music box come from, anyway?"

"Hey, don't call it ugly!" Erik protested. "I made it!"

"Ooh, Christine came back!" Jane exclaimed. "Maybe she changed her mind!"

"**_Christine_,_ I love you_…**" Butler sang.

"Awww!" all the girls in the closet swooned.

Emmy walked over and put her ring in Gerry's hand.

"Maybe not," Shadow shrugged.

"Shot down!" Spinner cried.

"Burn!" Lonemutant added.

"Hah!" Erik said harshly. "The fop couldn't steer that boat if his life depended on it!"

"Erik, I think it's time you admitted that you have anger issues," Aden said. "Look! You're breaking all those nice mirrors!"

"That's seven years of bad luck!" Alateriel added.

"Fourteen… Twenty-one…" Invaderoperaghost counted.

"Ooh!" Mrs. Butler giggled. "I saw his bum again!" Then she leaned forward in her seat and muttered to herself. "A nipple… Please… Let me see a nipple!"

Erik slid as far away from the rabid phan as his restraints would allow.

"Cool!" Justin exclaimed. "A secret escape! I need one of those in my room!"

"Hey!" Hikari exclaimed. "Meg's wearing trousers! Scandalous!"

"Hey, she stole Erik's mask!" Sari exclaimed. "Thief! Thief!"

"Although," Mrs. Malfoy said, "it does leave room for a future ErikMeg fic."

"Hey," Tad said. "Old Raoul is giving dead Christine the monkey music box. What, like, 'Hey, honey! Here's a present from your old stalker'?"

"Look!" Marianne-Abe exclaimed. "It's a rose! With a black ribbon! And a ring!"

"That's so sad!" Elly said as she wiped a tear from her eye.

The screen faded to black as the movie ended.

"Let's watch it again!" VagrantCandy said eagerly.

Erik looked horrified. "No!" he yelled, straining at the handcuffs. "I need to get out of here! _Now_!"


	6. Singy Songs With Squiffie

**I'm sooooooo sorry for not updating sooner. I've been sick, and my body is just recovering from my performing arts team's choreography camp… I don't mind dance camps, I really don't… Even though I am the most uncoordinated person in the world. But when our director told us that we were getting a new choreographer this year, he failed to mention that it was _Marc_ _Wayne_! I mean, it's nice to actually meet the guy and get the chance to work with him… But _four_ thirteen-hour days perfecting lifts and "spirit fingers?" Let's just say I came home feeling like a corpse… I probably looked like one, too…**

**But anyway, I'm sorry I didn't update sooner. I hope you like this chapter. We're getting lots of people in the closet, and quite frankly, I'm running out of things for people to do! Maybe if you guys wrote something really funny in your review that makes me laugh, I could put it in the fic. That would help me update faster and then you guys could say that you helped me write this fic. Fun, eh?**

**Oh, and Estelle… You had a question about whether I meant 'declaim' or 'proclaim' in chapter three, I believe. Well, I did mean it when I wrote _declaim_, but it pretty much means the same thing as _proclaim_. If you check it in a thesaurus you'll get related words like _hold forth_, _recite_, _pronounce_, etc… All cool, then?**

**Oh, and the two songs in this chapter are by Three Dead Trolls in a Baggy… They rock! I don't own the Phantom… But I own the Closet! Muhahahaha!**

XxXxX

_**Sing-A-Longs With Squiffie**_

"Erik, you really must calm down," I said.

After threatening me within an inch of my life before I finally uncuffed him, Erik had spent the last half hour in front of the secret door, pounding his head against it.

It was starting to give _me_ a headache!

"Erik, you're going to rupture something!" I said. "You're going to cause bleeding in your brain, you'll get a tumour, and you'll die!"

"Death sounds very tempting right now!" Erik said, accenting each syllable by slamming his head against the door again.

I gently took him by the arm. "Let's go back to the room and sit down and think of a way out of this…"

"Are you going to keep Rowena from glomping me?" he muttered.

"I won't make any promises…"

Back in the room, VagrantCandy and Padme approached us.

"Erik?" VagrantCandy said. "Padme and I have been talking, and we've decided that we've found you your soul-mate."

"Oh, brother," Erik rolled his eyes. "Not you too!"

"Hear us out," Padme insisted. "Meg Giry is perfect for you."

"_Meg_?" Erik repeated. "The _ballet rat_ Meg?"

"Think about it," VagrantCandy continued. "You're very close to her mother, which means she probably knows a lot about you. And if she's anything like her mother, she'll accept you, face and all… She's not as shallow as Christine. She had no love interest in the movie, so it's not like some fop is going to swoop down and steal her away."

"One problem," Erik said. "Antoinette would bronze my boys if I even _looked_ at her daughter… Also, Meg is a sucker for gossip, so right about now I assume she believes that I'm the son of some prince who ticked off an evil witch and have been doomed to an immortal life…"

Padme crossed her arms. "One day," she said, "you're going to wake up and realize that Meg is the woman of your dreams!"

Don Juanita skipped on over. "Erik?" she said sweetly. "How did you make the Chair of Impending Doom?"

"That's a secret!" Erik hissed.

Don Juanita poked him. "Tell me? Please?"

"No!"

She poked him again. "Pretty please?"

"Never!"

She poked him again. "Pretty please with Punjabbed Raoul on top?"

"Do you not understand what I'm saying?" Erik demanded. "I will _never_ tell you about the Chair!"

Don Juanita went to poke him again, but Erik grabbed her finger. "Stop poking me!"

"Poor Erik," the girl called Jane said. "You're very stressed… I can tell…" She handed him a stress-ball. "Here. It will make you feel better."

"Thanks Jane," Erik said as he started squeezing the ball.

She wrinkled her nose. "Could you please stop calling me Jane? It's getting annoying. Call me Annie!"

"Sure, Jane," Erik muttered as he focussed his attention on the ball.

"We really need to figure out how to get out of here," I said as I sat on the couch. I stood up quickly, turned around, and brushed the popcorn kernels off of the cushions. "Erik, this is disgusting! Can't you clean up after yourself?"

"That's not _my_ mess!" Erik protested. "Blueflamewolf did it!"

"Who?"

"She just came into the closet," Justin said.

Blue walked up to Erik, who was still playing with his stress-ball. "Say," she said. "Don't I know you from another life?"

Sighing, I sat back down. "Anyhoo, does anyone have a half-intelligent plan for getting out of here?"

"I know!" Lonemutant said. "Let's burn the whole closet down! Muhahahaha!"

Everyone blinked at the rabid phan.

"How'd I get stuck with a bunch of pyros?" Erik muttered.

"I know!" the Dancing Egg exclaimed. She picked up a big stick. "Let'sth knock the door down with my sthick! Like thisth!" The lisp was adorable… But then she started beating Erik over the head with her stick.

"Get it away!" Erik screamed. "Get it away!"

"I have an idea!" Don Juanita said. "Let's handcuff Erik and blindfold him and chase him around the room!"

The room grew silent, save for the Crickets of Impending Doom chirping in the background.

"How, pray tell, will that help us escape?" Alateriel asked.

Don Juanita shrugged. "It wouldn't… But it would be a lot of fun!"

"If my Sith buddies were here," Padme said, "we'd be out of here in a jiffy!"

"Speaking of which," Invaderoperaghost said, "why do you still go by Jedi Knight Padme if you're with the Sith now?"

"The username doesn't mean anything!" Padme declared. "I didn't want to go through the trouble of having to go through all the documentation stuff at the Jedi temple. Do you have _any_ idea how slow Jocasta Nu is? She may have been a great librarian in her younger days, but now it takes her five parsecs to hobble across the room!"

"I'm bored!" Robika said. She pulled out a guitar. "This is my guitar, Squiffie! Who wants to sing?" She started strumming a tune. "**_Thought you would know how it feels to be alone_, _but it seems you only care for your own loneliness_.**"

"Say," Phantasy spoke up. "Does anyone know _Don_'_t Go Into Politics_ by Three Dead Trolls in a Baggy?"

"I do!" Robika said. She started playing the tune on her guitar. "**_George Washington was the president_, _but now he_'_s_ _dead._**"

Sari joined in. "**_Mackenzie King was Prime Minister_, _but now he_'_s_ _dead_.**"

Then Mrs. Malfoy started the chorus. "**_So don_'_t_ _go into politics_. _You_'_ll_ _end up dead_. _Don_'_t go into politics_. _You_'_ll_ _end up dead_.**"

Elly started the next verse. "**_Oppenheimer built the bomb_, _but now he_'_s_ _dead_.**"

Darklady piped up. "**_Einstein was very_, _very smart_, _but not enough not to be dead_.**"

Mima fell over in fits of giggles while she sang the chorus. "**_So don_'_t_ _go into science_. _You_'_ll end up dead_. _Don_'_t go into science_. _You_'_ll end up dead_.**"

"**_And don_'_t go into politics_,**" GerrysISUChick added. "**_You_'_ll end up dead_. _Don_'_t go into politics_.** **_You_'_ll end up dead_.**"

Rowena took a deep breath and spouted off the next verse. "**_Jimi Hendrix_, _Janice Joplin_, _Brian Jones_, _Keith Moon_, _Jim Morrison_, _Roy Orbison_, _John Lennon_, _Bob Marley_, _Leonard Bernstein_, _Elvis Presley_–**"

Shadow held up a hand, stopping her. "Well, we're not too sure about Elvis… But I think we get the point…"

Aden shrugged and picked up the chorus. "**_Don_'_t go into music_. _You_'_ll end up dead_. _Don_'_t go into music_. _You_'_ll end up dead_.**"

"**_And don_'_t_ _go into science_,**" Spinner sang. "**_You_'_ll end up dead_. _Don_'_t go into politics_. _You_'_ll end up dead_.**"

Mrs. Butler swayed around as she stood up on the couch. "**_Break it down_, _you_'_ll be burned_, _you_'_ll be fried_, _you_'_ll be buried alive_!**"

Estelle sang the next part… the disturbing part… "**_And there_'_s_ _no hope thinking that_ _you_'_re gonna survive_, '_cause there_'_s_ _the drowning and choking and cancer from smoking and smothered while sleeping and blood will start seeping_!**" Very disturbing…

Tad did a little dance while she sang. "**_So I have found_, _you_'_ll end up in the ground and you_'_ll be dead_! _So I have found_, _you_'_ll end up in the ground_, _I wish there was an option instead_, _but you_'_ll be dead_! _Dead_!**"

Mariannie started drumming on the back of the couch while she did the big ending. "**_Maybe with a bullet in your head_, _but you_'_ll be dead_! _Dead_! _Very_, _very_, _very_, _very_, _very_, _very_, _very_, _very_ _dead_!**"

Every girl in the closet burst into giggles.

Erik looked a little stressed. He squeezed on his ball a bit tighter. However, I noticed that his eye had started twitching.

"That… was… the most… annoying… thing… I've ever… heard…" he said through gritted teeth.

"Let's sing another one!" Robika squealed. "_History is Made by Stupid People_!" She started playing. "**_Scott became famous for freezing to death in Antarctica_. _Columbus made history thinking some island was India_. _General Custer_'_s a national hero for not knowing when to run_. _All of these men are famous_, _and they_'_re also very dumb_.**"

Haley squealed. "**_History is made by stupid people_! _Clever people wouldn_'_t even try_. _If you want a place in the history books_, _then do something dumb before you die_!**"

KZ was back it seemed… And she was singing at the top of her lungs. "**_Nobility are famous for no reason_. _Mary Antoinette enjoyed her cake_. _She caused a revolution when she would not share_, _and her husband lost his head for that mistake_!**"

Phantasy spun around in the middle of the room. "**_The Hindenburg was a giant zeppelin_. _Its makers made a minor oversight_. _Before they filled it up with explosive gas_, _they should have fixed the no_-_smoking light_!**" She grabbed Erik's arms and started spinning around with him. "This is fun! Whee! Sing with me Erik! It's so much fun!"

"I'm getting some homicidal urges," Erik muttered.

Katelyn started singing the chorus again. "**_History is made by stupid people_! _Clever people wouldn_'_t even try_. _If you want a place in the history books_, _then do something dumb before you die_!**"

Michelle tried to join in the dance with Erik and Phantasy, but Erik managed to escape the girls and squatted down behind the couch, rocking himself back and forth. So the two girls linked arms and spun around.

"**_Tally_-_ho_! _Tally_-_ho_!**" Michelle sang. "**_Our king and country_'_s_ _honour we will save_! _Tally_-_ho_! _Tally_-_ho_! _We_'_re marching into history and the grave_!**"

DarkSilverMaiden started bouncing on the couch with Mrs. Butler. "**_So if your son and daughter seem too lazy_,**" she sang, "**_sitting there watching bad TV_, _just remember you should be quite grateful_… _At least they are not making history_!**"

MasqueradingThroughLife joined the three rabid phans on the couch. "**_History is made by stupid people_! _Clever people wouldn_'_t even try_. _If you want a place in the history books_, _then do something dumb before you die_! _Do something dumb before you die_! _Do something dumb before you die_!**" With the conclusion of the song, all three girls fell back down onto the couch.

"That wasth thso much fun!" the Dancing Egg clapped her hands gleefully.

Justin rolled his eyes. "So this is what girls do at slumber parties…"

It took a moment for what Justin had said to register with the girls. Then they all screamed out in unison.

"Slumber party! Yeah! Sleepover! Sleepover!"

"I want to sleep with Erik!" Mrs. Butler shrieked.

"Nuh-uh!" Tad cried. "He's mine!"

I don't quite remember what happened after that. One second, everything was peaceful. The next, all of the rabid phans were jumping on Erik, becoming increasingly rabid, arguing over who got to sleep with him… except for Justin, of course. While the girls were fighting, he snuck off to the pantry to swipe some popcorn. In an attempt to bring order to the closet, I accidentally got kicked in the side of the head. The next thing I remember, I was waking up to the sound of Star Wars theme music…


	7. The Closet Sleepover

**Hey, everyone! Sorry for not updating sooner, school's evil. Here's the new chappie! **

**Thank you everyone for your suggestions and comments. They really helped me with this chapter. Jedi Knight Padme wrote the first couple of paragraphs, and I'm sure a lot of you can pick out little bits that you suggested or wrote in your reviews. Enjoy them!**

**Once again, the closet is crowded! Please, please, please, if you can think of anything funny or cute put it in your review and I'll include it in the story. It's getting really hard to think of things for you guys to do, because I want to include you all but there's so many of you and I really don't have much of an imagination!**

**Enjoy the chapter!**

XxXxX

_**The Closet Slumber Party**_

The first thing I saw upon coming to was… nothing. It was pitch black. There was no sound except for _The Imperial March_ playing softly and creepily in the background. The hairs on my neck tingled, and a cold shiver made its way up and down my spine.

Then, from the darkness, an evil laugh made itself heard. Soft at first… Then it rose in volume and pitch…

"_MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_!"

And then Justin, his mouth stuffed with popcorn, walked into the room. "Hey!" he mumbled around the popcorn. "Why're the lights off?"

He flicked the switch, and glaring light flooded the room.

"What are you _crazy_?" Padme demanded. I noticed that she was wearing PJ's that were decorated with little red and blue lightsabres. "You're _totally_ ruining the mood!" She clicked the lights off again.

"What's going on?" I groaned. My head hurt. A lot. I touched the sore spot on the side of my head and found it covered by a thick bandage.

"We're having a _Star_ _Wars_ marathon!" MJ-Skywalker said. "Now, shush! Episode One has already started!"

Wait a minute…

"MJ!" I cried. "What are you doing here? I thought you left!"

"I came back while you were unconscious," she said.

"How long was I out?" I asked.

"Not long enough!"

Three guesses who said that… Could his initials be… Erik!

"Erik, where the heck are you?" I asked. My eyes were straining to adjust to the darkness.

"Under the pile of rabid phan-girls!" he growled.

"What are you doing under there?"

"Well," Don Juanita said, "we were playing Twister and we made Erik join us but then we all fell and we got so tangled up that we can't really move." She sighed happily. "But don't hurry to our rescue… I've always wanted to have Erik lying on top of me!"

Then Tad was next to me. "Oh, good you're finally awake! That means you didn't sustain too much brain damage."

"Now, that's a matter of opinion!" Alateriel giggled.

"Hey!" I snapped. "That wasn't nice!"

"Sorry!" she snorted. "I couldn't help myself. She left you wide open!"

Well, I suppose she had a point…

"Just relax, Angel," Tad said. "Doctor Tadriendra will make you feel all better!" She poked at my bandage a bit.

"What are you doing?" I demanded. "Ouch! Stop! That hurts!"

"Now, Angel," Tad said sternly. "Don't make me sedate you!"

"Could you sedate _me_?" Erik asked from underneath the pile of phan-girls. "Hey… I feel another song coming on… **_I wanna be sedated_!**"

"I must have missed something!" I cried. "Why are the lights off? Why are we watching _Star_ _Wars_? Why is everyone wearing PJ's? Where am I? What are you? _AAAUUGH_!"

"Relax, Angel," a familiar voice said. "It's just a slumber party…"

I gasped. "_Hollom_?"

"Hi, Angel!" Emma appeared by my side and gave me a hug.

"What are you two doing here?"

"Hey!" MTL cried. "How come _her_ muse got to come to the closet with her?"

"Cuz!" Emma said. "I asked Angel for permission and Ewik just _wuvs_ Hollom!"

Erik growled at the sailor. "Bloody popcorn-thief…"

Hollom shifted his eyes and started whistling…

KZ grabbed me by the arm and yanked me over to the couch. The pile of phan-girls was slowly untangling itself. KZ's sudden motion caused all the blood to rush to my brain and I nearly puked on the couch. My head hurt so much!

"This is my friend, Spongekid!" KZ exclaimed. Another girl sat down beside me.

"We're best buddies!" KZ stated proudly. Spongekid nodded her head up and down enthusiastically.

"This is my favourite part!" KZ said, gesturing at the TV. "Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are having an 'aggressive negotiation.' I love Obi-Wan, don't you? He's so cute. Only in Episodes one to three, of course. In four to six, he's old. Then again, it's not even the same actor! Unless maybe they went back in time and got the actor back when he was young and not-so-grey, or maybe they gave him a drink from the fountain of youth. Some people say that's where you get coffee. I love Obi-Wan, don't you?"

"I'm gonna be sick," I groaned.

"My neck hurts," Erik said as he sat down beside me, finally freed from the pile of rabid phans. "Someone was sitting on it."

"Here, let Doctor Tad take care of you!" Tad moved behind him and started massaging his neck. "Sometimes I wonder whether I should become a doctor or a masseuse."

Erik tipped his head back a bit with a look of bliss etched on his face. "That… feels… nice…" he purred.

"Hey, Erik!" Don Juanita appeared in front of him. She dangled a personal CD player in front of his face. "I'll give you this CD player along with a CD of Mozart if you tell me what the Chair of Impending Doom does!"

Erik gazed longingly at the CD player. "I love Mozart," he whispered. He reached out to grab it, then quickly drew his hand back. "No! I cannot! Must resist! I will _never_ tell you about the Chair of Impending Doom! Do you hear me? _Never_!"

And so the hours past… We went through _Star_ _Wars_ Episodes one, two, and three… During this time we were joined by Opera Dove, InThisLabyrinth, Skibbereen, Gasp… and Darth Vader…

"Mighty Lord Vader," Padme bowed. "Now that you're here, we may escape this closet, overthrow the Jedi, and rule the galaxy!"

"Indeed," Vader said. "However, you are overlooking one teensy-weensy ever-so-crucial tiny little detail… That witchy PC ate my lightsabre!"

"Stupid (INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) bloody PC!" Padme raged. "It's setting us up! I'll bet that crumby little piece of crap is keeping us here for it's own amusement!"

"Aren't you being a little paranoid?" Invaderoperaghost asked. "It's a computer… It doesn't _have_ a sense of amusement."

So on the night went… Now, what do girls do at a slumber party? Eat junk food, wear cute PJ's, do makeovers, and talk about boys… But what do _rabid phan_-_girls_ do at a slumber party? Eat junk food, wear cute PJ's, do makeovers, and torture Erik by shamelessly discussing his assets and possible Erik pairings… And fighting over pieces of his clothes, of course…

"I got Erik's sweatband!" Mima cried triumphantly. She was quickly tackled by several other phans who desperately wrestled with her for the scrap of fabric. Meanwhile, DarkSilverMaiden slid up next to Erik and inspected his face.

"Your eyebrows are kind of funny-looking," she stated. (**My Erik has the ALW half-mask, so you can see at least one eyebrow**).

"You think my eyebrows look funny?" he sneered. "Wait till you see the rest of my face!"

"Wait here," she said. "I'll fix them!" She got up from the couch and returned a bit later with a pair of tweezers in her hands.

"What's that thing?" Erik asked.

"Never mind," DarkSilverMaiden said. "Just hold still…" She took hold of a single eyebrow hair and plucked it. Erik cried out, shoving her away, putting a hand to his brow.

"Ow! That hurt! What the Hell was that all about?"

"C'mon, Erik!" DarkSilverMaiden said, picking herself up off the floor. "Don't be such a cry-baby! No one wants a uni-brow! I'm just fixing it for you!"

"While you do that, I could give him a shave!" Emma offered enthusiastically, twirling her sword and smiling evilly.

"Do you wake up evil?" Erik demanded.

"No," she replied. "At least, not until after I've had my morning coffee."

"I hope you didn't trash those handcuffs," Skibby whispered to me. "I think we're gonna need them."

So we handcuffed Erik to the couch once more while DarkSilverMaiden tortured, er, _groomed_ Erik. She was so preoccupied with her task that she didn't even notice when Elly dragged out her Fop-doll (which looks exactly like the Patrick Wilson Raoul).

"Hey this is neat!" Elly exclaimed. The 'dummy' already had a Punjab lasso over its head, and Elly found that when she tugged on it, the doll made choking and gasping noises. "State-of-the-art!"

"And look!" Chick cried. "When you kick him between the legs, he screams like a girl!" She demonstrated.

Spinner spotted a little button behind his ear. "I wonder what this does?" She pushed it and the Fop-Raoul cried out.

"**_I love her_!_ Does that mean nothing_?_ I love her_!_ Show some compassion_!**"

Erik shot up in his chair, causing DarkSilverMaiden to go flying. "**_The world showed no compassion to me_!**"

Lonemutant grinned and pulled out a lighter. "Let's set his foppishly perfect hair on fire!"

"Hey!" DarkSilverMaiden exclaimed, grabbing the dummy away from the girls. "That's _my_ Fop-doll! I need him! Erik's giving me Punjabbing lessons!"

Mrs. Malfoy sidled up to Erik. "Hey," she whispered seductively. "Can you give _me_ Punjabbing lessons? I'll make it worth your while." She grinned evilly.

"Unfortunately, my dear," Erik responded, "Angel has strict rules about me giving lessons to phan-girls… Some of you are still minors and she really doesn't want to bail my butt out of jail."

Mrs. Malfoy frowned. "Spoil-sport."

While we continued watching _Stars Wars_, phans started unloading their stashes of junk food. I honestly don't know where they were hiding it all, but it wasn't long before all sorts of sugary goodness was being passed around the room.

Mariannie snuck up beside me. "Hey, Angel," she whispered into my ear. "I've brought some pop tarts just for Erik. He'll love 'em!" Then she shrugged. "Of course, if he doesn't, I guess I'll just have to cram 'em down his throat until he does…"

We had quite an array of food floating around. Floating, because Darth Vader and Darth Padme decided to show off their impressive knowledge of the Force by levitating all of the edibles… Whenever someone asked for a snack, whatever they wanted magically floated over to them. MJ scoffed and muttered something about bragging Sith lords…

Among the food we had included Chinese take-out, saltwater taffy, Fresca soda, more green olives, a jack-o-lantern filled with leftover Halloween candy (donated by Elly), and, of course, popcorn… Lots of popcorn… We also had ice cream sundaes, with really weird toppings like spray cheese and coffee beans… All the sugar was making Spongekid hyper. She was bouncing off the walls, singing strange songs… "**_Flatfoot floogie with the floy floy_!**"

However, I think someone spiked Justin's pop (soda, carbonated beverage, whatever)… One minute, he was fine… The next he was jumping onto the couch and screeching about attacking squirrels.

"They're everywhere!" he cried. "They've come to take over! We're all gonna _die_! Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death–"

"Will someone please shut him up?" Erik yelled after about ten minutes of this.

"Oh, don't worry about Justin," Michelle said as she put an arm around the boy, who was now foaming at the mouth (rabid phan indeed). "Caffeine makes him hallucinate. He'll be fine a few hours." Then she glared at Erik. "So nobody hurts him! Justin and I are scumbag buddies for life!"

Justin nodded his head vigorously and then went back to yelling at the imaginary squirrels.

"You shall not invade our country, you evil fuzzy creatures! God save us all!"

"Don't worry, Justin," Robika jumped in. "I'll protect you! I have a red belt in Tae Kwon Do!"

"They're evil!" Justin shrieked. "They're breaking out the nuclear warheads! They're gonna kill us all!"

"Dear me," Tad said. "I do believe we need to sedate him." She picked up a big syringe. "Nurse Darklady? Would you care to administer the anaesthetic?"

"Why, certainly Doctor Tad…" She took the syringe with a big smile on her face. "Ooooh, Justin!"

Justin's eyes went wide. "No! They've jumped ship! They're working for the squirrels! _AAAAAAAAHHH_!"

Justin ran around the room several times while Darklady chased him with the syringe. Finally, he collapsed unconscious from utter exhaustion. Darklady looked down at him and then looked back at the syringe in her hands.

"Guess we don't need this anymore." She shrugged and tossed the syringe over her shoulder. Coincidentally, it landed point first into Shadow's back.

Shadow winced. "What was that? Are there bugs in here? I think something stung me." She put a hand to her head. "I feel kind of funny." She yawned and staggered a bit. "I'm… kinda… sleepy…" Her knees gave out and she collapsed onto Erik's lap, who was unable to do anything anyway because his wrists were handcuffed to the couch.

"Oh, Erik," she said in a half-yawn, smiling sleepily. "You broke my fall… You're so sweet… Come here and give me kissy…"

"No!" Erik cried. "Not that! _Anything_ but that!" Erik had had a rather nasty experience with kissing another phan-girl, once. What was meant to be a harmless peck on the cheek turned into a fifteen-minute make-out fest. Erik never really fully recovered from that. But now, he was helpless to defend himself as he was restrained. Shadow smiled as she drew closer to his lips.

"Mr. Phantom, you're so cute… Cutie-pie! I wuv you… Gimme kissy…" Her lips were a hair's breadth from Erik's when the sedative finally kicked in and Shadow went limp in his lap.

"Praise God!" Erik sighed in relief.

"That would have been an E/OC pairing I wouldn't have minded watching," Rowena grinned as Shadow's head lolled to one side. In her drug-induced sleep, she drooled on Erik's chest.

Erik made a face. "Ew."

Mrs. Butler shook her head. "E/C pairings are best… Hello? It's obvious that Erik and Christine are mad for each other. If it weren't for stupid Fop-Raoul-Wussy-Patrick-Pretty-Boy they would have ended up together!"

VagrantCandy rolled her eyes. "She's dumb _and_ shallow. Christine never would have made Erik happy. Meg Giry, on the other hand…"

"No, E/OC pairings are definitely the best," InThisLabyrinth insisted. "The Other Woman is usually a Mary-Sue, meaning she's absolutely perfect and everyone loves her. What could possibly go wrong?"

I smirked. "My last fic was an E/OC pairing… Someone actually thought that Fantine was a Mary-Sue!"

Blueflamewolf laughed. "Fantine the sword-clashing Phantomess? Fantine the chorus-boy-lusting chick? Fantine the run-away-come-back-run-away-come-back lady? Fantine the kick-Erik-in-the-b–"

"We get your picture!" Erik snapped, not wanting to relive painful (**literally**) memories. "Clearly, Fantine was not the number one candidate for _Best_ _Mary_-_Sue_ _in_ _Fanfiction_."

"Fantine?" Gasp repeated. "Wasn't she the prostitute from _Les Miserables_?"

"By name only," I said.

"Oh, I know!" Phantasy piped up. "How about an Erik-Raoul fic?"

Everyone just blinked at her. Gasp grabbed her water pistol from her holster and squirted the phan in the face.

"I was only kidding," Phantasy pouted.

Erik shuddered. "You've just conjured up some pretty bad mental images. I hate the Fop! A FopxMe fic? Ew! Someone put out my eyes, please!"

Opera Dove slid into the seat beside him. "You know, I bought Raoul off E-bay! Maybe I could bring him over!"

"No!" Erik cried. "That would be a bad thing!" He shifted under Shadow, who was still lying on top of him. "I can't feel my legs…"

"I think you and Madame Giry would make a great pair," Annie told Erik as she sat down on the other side of him. "She's _much_ closer to your age, and just think of all the trouble she went through to save your life!"

"Forget it, Jane!" he snapped. "I am _not_ asking Madame out!"

She rolled her eyes. "My name is _not_ Jane! How many times do I have to tell you? I'm _Annie_!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever…" he muttered. "Do me a favour, Jane? Will you pass me a butterscotch sundae with gummi bears on top?"

Annie scoffed and went to retrieve the aforementioned sundae.

Meanwhile, Skibby was doing Elly's toenails. "Pink looks cute on you," she told her. "It sets off your hair."

"Oooh, let me see!" Mariannie cried. She leapt over to them, accidentally knocking Skibby's hand that held the nail polish.

"Mariiiiiiiiiii!" Skibby shrieked. "Look what you did!" She secured the lid on the nail polish and grabbed a cushion off the couch. "Pillow fight!"

Skibby beat Mariannie mercilessly while Erik watched with amusement. "This is better than TV!"

"Say," Opera Dove spoke. "That reminds me… What do you think of the _Charles Dance_ movie?"

Erik shrugged. "Never seen it… Sounds like a chick-flick, though."

Skibby beat Mariannie until they both collapsed of exhaustion. Spongekid bounced off a few more walls and then accidentally hit her head on my desk, knocking herself out. DarkSilverMaiden fell asleep cuddling her Fop-Raoul doll. Tad shrugged and administered herself an local anaesthetic then joined the other phans in sleep, who were all dropping like flies now.

Only the Dancing Egg was still semi-conscious. She trudged around with a fuzzy blanket around her shoulders (which was fuzzier than any other I had ever seen). Annie yawned and tried to grab a corner of the blanket to cuddle up with, but the Dancing Egg yanked it back possessively.

"No! My fuzzy blanky! No touchy!" She paused. "Unlesth Ewik wantsth to share!"

But Erik was already dead to the world. Before passing out herself, Darklady administered one last dose of anaesthetic – to _him_. He was sleeping like a baby in minutes.

The Dancing Egg shrugged and curled up with her blanket, stuck her thumb in her mouth and went to sleep.

I sat at my computer chair and rested my head on the desk, using my arms as a pillow. I was having a good time. I really was! But I also really wanted to go home again. After all, wasn't my family worried about me? Didn't I have school to go to? Didn't my performing arts team, Spirit Borne, miss me? Weren't my friends wondering what had happened?"

I sighed and cast a glance over my shoulder at the other girls who were now all asleep. I could hear a lot of heavy breathing and some soft snores.

"_They may be rabid_," I thought. "_But they_'_re great people_…_ I guess things could be a lot worse_…"

"Good night y'all," I said softly. Then I closed my eyes and fell into a deep slumber.


	8. Fop Torture for Dummies

**Happy Boxing Day, y'all! I hope you all had a great Christmas!**

**I got a Forensic Facial Reconstruction Kit! I'm so happy!**

**Erik got popcorn in a Spongebob tin…**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. I got lots of great feedback! And Gasp, if you're actually reading these pointless A/N's, I kinda stole some stuff from your bio to write this chapter. Hope you don't mind!**

**Oh, and Mrs. Gerard Butler would like to make this little announcement:**

"**I HATE CHRISTINE! I AM _NOT_ AN E/C SHIPPER! CHRISTINE MUST DIE!"**

**And there you have it… Onto the next chapter…**

XxXxX

_**Fop-Torture for Dummies**_

I awoke to the sound of chaos… Big surprise…

"_At this rate_," I thought miserably, "_I_'_m going to have to build a sound_-_proof room to sleep in with a dozen padlocks on the door_…_ What_'_s going on now_?"

"Get off of me!" I heard Erik cry out. "It has claws! It scratches! Get it away!"

Then something furry jumped onto my back, digging in all four sets of razor sharp claws. I jumped in my chair, letting out a cry of pain. The thing on my back climbed upwards, using its claws, and then perched on my shoulder. I turned my head to look at it, but all I saw was a bunch of orange fuzz.

"Ginger!" I cried as my kitty jumped off my shoulder and sat gracefully on the edge of my desk. "How'd you get in here?"

"Is the other one yours, too?" VagrantCandy asked.

I looked around. Sure enough, a little calico cat was clinging to Erik's chest as the poor man struggled to pry her off.

"Cinnamon!" I cried. "Get off of Erik! Come here!"

Cinnamon paused and shot Erik a look that could only be described as evil. She retracted her claws and landed on the floor on her feet, then jogged over to me and leapt up onto the desk beside her brother.

"Those little demons are _yours_?" Erik cried. "They're freakin' evil!"

I stroked Cinnamon between the ears. "Don't you listen to that nasty, ugly man," I told her. "He doesn't know nothing… You're adorable! Yes, you are!"

Erik scoffed. "I detest _furry_ things!"

"Then you won't like my trusty sidekick," Skibby said as she pulled a ball of grey fuzz out of her pocket.

"_What_ is that _thing_?" Erik demanded as he stared at the little animal with a scrutinizing gaze.

"This is Snortleby, my vicious attack chinchilla."

Erik snorted. "Indeed. What does it do? Pee on people?"

Skibby shrugged. "No. But watch this!" She looked at the little ball of fuzz. "Snortleby? Attack!"

The little chinchilla growled and leapt, latching onto Erik's throat. Erik fell back onto the couch and grasped at the little animal.

"Get it off! Get it off!" he screamed.

"Snortleby?" Skibby said. "Heel."

The chinchilla released Erik and returned to its mistress. Skibby picked it up and placed it on my desk next to Cinnamon and Ginger. Cinnamon eyed the little rodent with mild interest, but then turned away quickly. All it did was sit still, and that was no fun! As for Ginger, he was too busy licking his butt to notice anything.

"That thing nearly killed me!" Erik cried indignantly. "What, do I need to get _protection_ now?"

"Oh, I'll protect you!" A girl whom I have never seen before jumped forward. She had long, thick hair that fell all the way to her waist, and she carried a sword. She ran over to where Erik sat on the couch and knelt before him. "I am the Hair," she said humbly. Then she laid her sword in Erik's hands. "I offer you my service. I shall protect you and help you in any way I possibly can, until you escape or until death claims me… And as my first act of service, I shall make breakfast for everyone! Who feels like brownie pancakes?"

The Hair ran off to make breakfast and Erik just sat still on the couch. His left eye started twitching.

"Hey!" Mrs. Malfoy cried. "_I_ wanted to make breakfast for Erik!" She followed the Hair to the kitchen. On her way out, she tripped over Hollom and Emma, who were both still asleep in a rather… _compromising_ position… They both woke up and, upon realizing just how they were sleeping, blushed crimson and jumped away from each other.

"Um… uh… right…" Hollom muttered.

Then I noticed an odd structure in the corner. "What's that?" I asked.

"We made a tent out of sleeping bags last night," Opera Dove said proudly. "I think DarkSilverMaiden is still inside."

I peeked inside the 'tent' and sure enough, there was DarkSilverMaiden, curled up with her Fop-Doll.

Spongekid appeared on the scene. "Awwww!" she squealed. "They're so cute!"

DarkSilverMaiden stirred, snuggling closer to the doll. "Mmmm, Erik…" she muttered in her sleep. "You're so soft…"

Erik shuddered. "She's dreaming of _me_ while cuddling the _Fop_!"

DarkSilverMaiden stirred a bit more. Then her eyes fluttered open. It took her a moment to register what exactly was in her arms. Then she shot upright, knocking over the tent as she did so. The sleeping bags collapsed on top of her. She thrashed around, trying to escape. Finally, a head with mussed hair emerged.

"Ew!" she cried. "I _hate_ Raoul!" She began shuddering and twitching. "I never wanna see him first thing in the morning ever again!" She jumped to her feet, grabbing the doll and yanking it up. "Where's the torture chamber? I'm not a morning person, and I've got some anger to vent!"

"Oh, come now," Erik grinned. "Are you sure you want to do that to your beloved Fop?" He started making kissing sounds.

DarkSilverMaiden turned on him. "You know Erik, if you weren't giving me lessons on world domination, I would cut off your supply of sweets for good!"

I looked at Erik. "You're giving her lessons on _what_?"

"But," DarkSilverMaiden continued, "since you _are_ giving me lessons, I suppose that you could have this large bar of extra dark chocolate." She held up a bar of dark Hershey chocolate.

Erik looked at the bar with awe. "Ooh… Can I touch the bar of extra dark chocolate? Can I _hold_ the bar of extra dark chocolate?" He reached for it.

DarkSilverMaiden snatched it back. "On one condition!" She unwrapped the bar and broke it in two. "You give me half." She looked at a small group of rabid phans who were just a bit more rabid than the rest. "You can play with my Fop-Doll now…"

The rabid phans attacked the poor doll, and Spinner grimaced. "I'd pity Raoul if he actually showed up…"

Erik sat on the couch and watched with amusement as the Raoul-doll got the stuffing kicked out of it (literally). Lonemutant slid beside him.

"Ya know what?" she said. "I know a guy who reminds me of Raoul… his name is Scot."

"How interesting," Erik said, not really paying attention to her.

Lonemutant just sat and stared at him for the longest time. Finally, Erik grew restless. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

She continued to stare at him. "You know, I think you are not treated like you should be. Your whole life's purpose seems to be based entirely upon entertaining phan girls like myself. You deserve more."

Erik studied her intensely. "You're up to something…"

She looked offended. "I am not!"

"Are too!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

Lonemutant paused. "OK… I guess I am…" Lightning-quick she whipped out a lighter and lit it up, bringing it dangerously close to Erik's (synthetic) hair. He grabbed her wrists, holding her at bay.

"What in the name of all things holy do you think you're _doing_?" he demanded.

"I just wanted to light your wig on fire," she said innocently.

"Just wanted… _What_? What is _wrong_ with you?" He blew on her lighter, snuffing out the flame.

Lonemutant gasped. "Look what you _did_!" she shrieked. "You killed it!"

Another phan jumped on Erik. "You bad, bad man!" she cried, beating him with her fists. "What did that poor little flame do to you?"

"Who are you?" I asked.

She looked at me. "I'm Carla, the Hair's sister!" Then she turned and glared at Erik. "You are so cruel to your pyromaniac phans!"

"Oh, leave him alone!" Padme said, shoving the girl aside. "He's all mine!"

Erik shifted nervously on the couch as Padme crawled into his lap and linked her arms around his neck. She smiled at him sweetly. "You know what, Erik? We have a lot in common…"

Erik licked his lips nervously. "Mademoiselle? Can you…? Please… Off of me?"

Padme ignored him, as though she hadn't heard him. "Both of us want to kill someone…" She glared at MJ. "Goody-goody Jedi," she muttered. "Both of us are geniuses… Both of us are pyromaniacs…"

"What the–? I'm not a pyromaniac!"

"Then how do you explain all those candles in your lair, hmm?" Padme asked. She had a point. "Both of us are gorgeous beyond belief," she continued. "And… oh, whatever! We're soul mates!"

"Angel, _help_!" Erik shrieked.

"Marry me, Erik!" Padme cried, huggling him like a tent in typhoon.

"You don't understand!" Erik cried, prying her off his lap and dumping her on the floor. "Tadriendra said I have to stay single until all phans die of natural causes!"

"Besides," MJ said. "Aren't you hopelessly devoted to Darth Vader?" She indicated the tall dark Sith lord in the corner.

"Oh, yes, of course," Padme said seductively, sidling up close to Vader. "Let's make beautiful dark empires together."

"You do realize," Carla spoke up, "that 'Vader' is just Justin in a stupid space outfit?"

"_What_?" Padme ripped off Vader's helmet, and sure enough, there was the Insane Justin. Padme's eyes blazed. "You mean you're not really Darth Vader?"

"Um…" Justin mumbled. "Er… uh… um…"

Padme seethed. "Now I have no choice but to use my dark and powerful knowledge of the Force to punish you! You're _doomed_!" The cliché thunder and lighting sounded. Padme snapped her fingers and a furry little creature appeared by Justin's left foot.

"_Squirrel_!" he shrieked. Justin ran around the room, and the little squirrel chased after him. Ginger and Cinnamon jumped to life upon seeing the small furry animal run around the room. They leapt from my desk and chased after it. Justin leapt up onto the couch and the squirrel dove into the pantry, seeking an escape from the evil felines that chased it.

"Padme, make that poor squirrel disappear before my cats maul it," I said.

Padme obliged. With another snap of her fingers and more cliché thunder and lightning, the little squirrel disappeared. Justin curled up on the couch in the foetal position, slowly rocking himself back and forth.

"Padme, that wasn't nice," I reprimanded her. "Look at what you've done to poor Justin. He's foaming at the mouth. You've put him into a state of panic. That's not good at all." I moved over to the couch and rolled Justin over onto his stomach. "You need to relax," I told him as I began working my magic fingers on his back.

"Ew, Angel," Erik made a face. "Are you coming on to him?"

"Nonsense!" I said indignantly. "But eight out of ten Spirit Borne dancers find my massages immensely relaxing and soothing… If I can't calm this guy down, nothing will!" I paused. "Of course, it always helps to have a little background music… Hey, Erik? Can you sing something?"

"Oh, yes!" Robika cried. "Sing a musical! You could do something from _Wicked_ and you could be Fiyero! Or _Cats_, as the Rum Tum Tugger! Or _Les_ _Miserables_, as Jean Valjean! Or _Rent_, as Roger! Or _Joseph_ _and_ _the_ _Amazing_ _Technicolor_ _Dreamcoat_, as Joseph! Or _Beauty_ _and_ _the_ _Beast_, as the Beast! Or _Grease_, as Danny! Or–"

"Or _The Phantom_ _of_ _the_ _Opera_," Erik cut her off rudely. "As _myself_!"

"Yes, do a play!" Padme cried. "And then maybe Meg will somehow wander into the closet, and she could act the heroine opposite your hero! Then you'll find yourself reluctantly falling for her, to the triumphant joy of all ErikxMeg fans!"

"Or you could do an opera," Robika continued. "Like _Faust_, or _Aida_, or _Carmen_, or _La_ _Forza_ _del_ _Destino_!"

"We just need a little background music, not two-hour entertainment!" I cut in. "Just put _Rent_ on your iPod and let Justin listen to it…"

"You know, I do a really good Carlotta impression," Mima said. "Wanna see? **_THIS TROOOOOOPHYYYYYYY FROM OUR SAVIOURS_,_ FROM OUR SAAAAAAAAAAAAVIOURS_!**"

"My ears are bleeding!" Erik cried, shoving his head under a couch cushion.

"I have an alter ego named Etcy," Mima continued. "She does a really good Christine… Oh, we could sing _Angel of Music_! You know, the one with Meg and Christine?" She grinned. "EM forever…"

Erik pulled his head out from the pillow and scoffed. "Another schizo! Angel, your friends are weird!"

"Weird!" Gasp cried. She jumped into his lap with a big smile on her face. "I knew it! You like me! You really like me!" She twitched. "Tremble before the Sith!" she growled menacingly. She shook her head. "Whoa, what happened?" She twitched again. "Oh no! Every muse – except Raoul, of course – is in my mind again! _NOOOOO_!"

Erik drew back from her slightly. "Angel? Her eyes are rolling back into her head. Wow, this is almost exactly like this one scene from _The Exorcist_!"

"Evil Sith, you must turn back!" Gasp raged. "Volo, turn back!" She clutched her head. "Shut up! I need peace!" Then her eyes glazed over. "**_No more talk of darkness_…_ Forget these wide_-_eyed_…** No! Raoul's gotten to me, too!" She beat her head against Erik's shoulder.

Erik looked scared. "Eep! Make it stop, Angel! Make it stop!"

Gasp paused. "Come back to the right side! You were the one!" She hesitated. "Who are you? I am you… I am too!" Gasp closed her eyes. "The dark aura around her is growing… NOOOOOO! She swore to destroy the evil she is now! She will come back!" Then she laughed out loud. "Think again! The Dark Side will triumph! Muhahaha!" She scowled. "Will you all keep it down? I am trying to compose… _Dark_! _Light_! _Dark_! _Light_! This is fun!" She turned and looked at Erik. "I am now utterly confuzzled… Who are you, again?"

Erik got an evil look and smiled. "Why… I'm your conscience…"

Gasp's eyes brightened. "_Really_?"

"Oh, yes," Erik replied. "We haven't spoken in a while… How've you been?"

Gasp shrugged. "Same old…"

Oh, no!" We heard a shriek from the kitchen. Mrs. Malfoy emerged a moment later. "This is terrible!" she cried. "Erik's out of _coffee_!"

I snapped my fingers. "Oops… Next time I go to Timmy's, I've gotta remember to pick up another one of those holiday coffee canisters…"

"This is terrible!" Mrs. Malfoy continued. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, I don't drink coffee anyway," Emma said. "But hot chocolate always gives me the evil boost I need every morning before I go torture Erik…"

"Oh, OK…" Moments later, Mrs. Malfoy and the Hair were passing out steaming cups of hot chocolate to everyone. The Hair dropped a small wrapped package into Erik's lap when she handed him his mug.

"What might this be?" Erik asked, eyeing the package warily.

"It's a belated Christmas present," the Hair said.

Erik opened it up. "It's skimpy lingerie!" he exclaimed.

"I know," the Hair grinned. "I thought you might like me to model them for you later this evening…"

Erik put the garments(?) back in the box and crossed his arms. "So was this supposed to be a Christmas gift to _me_ or to _you_?"

The Hair shrugged. "Kind of to _both_ of us…"

"Oh, no!" KZ suddenly cried. "Angel! I just realized something horrible! While we we've all been stuck in the closet, we missed _Thanksgiving_!"

I furrowed my brow. "No we didn't… Thanksgiving was in October…"

"What are you talking about? Thanksgiving was last month!"

"No it wasn't. It was…" I paused. "Oh… I get it… American Thanksgiving was last month… Sorry, you're in Canada… Our Thanksgiving was over long ago…"

"Canada!" a new girl happily shrieked. "I love Canada! Canada's cool! We've got Shania Twain! We've got Jim Carey! We've got Anne Murray! And… and… maple syrup!"

"Uh… Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm xAngelxofxMusicx!" she said gleefully.

"Oh… so should we call you Angel?"

"That won't do!" Shadow exclaimed. "_Your_ name is Angel!"

"How about Music?" Blueflamewolf suggested.

"That'll work."

"Oh, great," Erik muttered from his place on the couch. "Another Eskimo-hugging Canuck from Ontario…"

"Hey!" Music cried. "_What_ is so bad about being from _Ontario_? Ontario is cool! We have the capital of Canada! And Ottawa! And… a bunch of other cool places! And… we have Tim Horton's! Yes!"

"Oh, you just think you're better 'cause you can say 'eh' and 'aboot' and you can play hockey all year long outdoors," WanderingTeen accused. "I'm onto you!"

"Wait a minute…" Padme said. "Ottawa _is_ the capital of Canada. Perhaps you're thinking of Toronto?"

"I hate Toronto!" Erik hissed.

"Why is that, Erik?" I asked.

"Why? _Why_? Let me sing you a song about it!" He turned to Robika. "Music cue, please."

Robika picked up Squiffie and started playing a tune.

"**_I hate the Skydome and the CN Tower too_,**" Erik began. "**_I hate Nathan Phillips Square and the Ontario Zoo_. _The rent_'_s_ _too high_, _the air_'_s_ _unclean_, _the beaches are dirty and the people are mean_, _and the women are big_, _and the men are dumb_, _and the children are loopy_ '_cause_ _they live in a slum_. _The water is polluted and the mayor_'_s_ _a dork_. _They dress real bad and they think they_'_re_ _New York in Toronto_, _Ontario_…**"

I shrugged. "I guess you hold a valid point…"

Erik paused thoughtfully. "You know, actually, I think I hate all of Ontario…" He continued. "**_I hate Thunder Bay and Ottawa_, _Kitchener_, _Windsor_, _and Oshawa_. _London sucks and the Great Lakes suck_, _and Sarnia sucks and Turkey Point sucks_. _I took a trip to Ontario to visit Brian Mulrooney_. _He beat me up and he stole my pants and he put me in a tree_. _I went to see the Maple Leafs and got hit in the head with a puck_…**" Erik paused. "I don't even know how they did it… I was playing the organ at the time!" He shrugged. "**_Ontario sucks_!**"

"I love the Maple Leafs!" I squealed. "Only they really suck this season… The _Sens_ are doing better than us!"

Then Erik stood up on the couch. "Actually, now that I _really_ think about it, I think I pretty much hate every gosh darn province and territory in this country! Except Alberta. Yeah, I love Alberta… Lots of cows, trees, rocks, dirt…"

"Oh, sure," VagrantCandy said. "Let's hear your reasons!"

Erik smirked. "OK… **_I hate Newfoundland_ '_cause_ _they talk so weird and Prince Edward Island is too small_. _Nova Scotia_'_s dumb_ '_cause_ _it_'_s_ _the name of a bank_. _New Brunswick doesn_'_t have a good mall_. _Quebec is revolting and it makes me mad_. _Ontario sucks_, _Ontario sucks_!**"

"Hey!" Estelle said. "Manitoba's population density is 1.9 people per square kilometre. Now isn't that stupid?"

Erik looked at her irritably. "As I was saying… **_Saskatchewan is boring and the people are old_. _And as for the territories_, _they_'_re_ _too cold_! _And the only really good thing about the province of British Columbia is that it_'_s_ _right next to the US_, '_cause_ _America doesn_'_t_ _suck_! _But Washington does_…**"

"Hah, you see?" Invaderoperaghost said. "Straight from Erik's mouth… all of Canada sucks!"

I smiled evilly. "Shall _I_ sing an song, now? How about one the War of 1812!"

Erik looked scared. "Uh, Angel? I don't think that's such a good idea. You might get killed…" Then he paused. "Wait a minute… that's not a bad thing! In that case, sing Angel!"

I began slowly. "**_Oh come back_, _proud Canadians_, _to before you had TV_. _No hockey night in Canada_, _there was no CBC_…**"

InThisLabyrinth looked shocked. "No way! No CBC? What the Hell is CBC, anyway?"

I continued. "**_In 1812_, _Madison was mad_. _He was the president_, _you know_. _Well_, _he thought he_'_d_ _tell the British where they ought to go_. _He thought he_'_d invade Canada_. _He thought that he was tough_. _Instead we went to Washingtoooooooooooonnnnnnnnn_…**" I paused dramatically. "**_And burned down all his stuff_! _And the White House burned_, _burned_, _burned_, _and_ _we_'_re_ _the ones that did it_! _It burned_, _burned_, _burned_, _while the president ran and cried_! _It burned_, _burned_, _burned_, _and things were very historical_! _And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies_, _wah_-_wah_-_wah_, _in the War of 1812_!**"

KZ frowned. "Hey… that's not how I heard it in history class!"

I kept on singing, not caring that all the phans who live south of the border were starting to look a little annoyed.

"**_Those hillbillies from Kentucky dressed in green and red_. _Left home to fight in Canada_, _but they returned home dead_! _It_'_s_ _the only war the Yankees lost except for Vietnam_, _and also the Alomo and the Bay of Ham_! _The loser was America_, _the winner was ourselves_. _So join right in and gloat about the War of 1812_!**"

Tad crossed her arms. "I don't like this song…"

Music belted out the next verse like a drunken farmer. "**_In 1812 we were just sitting around_, _minding our own business_, _putting crops into the ground_. _We heard the soldiers coming_, _and we didn_'_t like that sound_. _So we took a boat to Washington and burned it to the ground_!**"

Padme took over the next verse. "**_Oh_, _we fired our guns but the Yankees kept on a_-_coming_. _There wasn_'_t_ _quite as many as there was a while ago_. _We fired once more and the Yankees started running down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico_!**"

VagrantCandy sang the next part. "**_They ran through the snow and they ran through the forest_! _They ran through the bushes where the beavers wouldn_'_t_ _go_! _They ran so fast they forgot to take their culture_! _Back to America_, _and Gulf and Mexico_!**" The tempo slowed. "**_So if you go to Washington_, _it_'_s_ _building_'_s_ _clean and nice_. _Bring a pack of matches_…**"

Then all the Canadian phans sang. "**_And we_'_ll_ _burn the White House twice_!**"

Mrs. Butler looked absolutely homicidal. "Now we _know_ you're making that up! It totally didn't go that way!"

"**_And the White House burned_, _burned_, _burned_, _but the Americans won_'_t admit it_! _It burned_, _burned_, _burned_, _it burned and burned and burned_, _it burned_, _burned_, _burned_, _I bet that made them mad_! _And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies_, _wah_-_wah_-_wah_, _in the War of 1812_!**"

"That's it!" Carla said. "You're gonna pay for that one!"

"Yes!" Erik said jumping up from the couch. "I have the perfect plan! Let us seat her in…" He paused as more cliché thunder and lightning sounded. "_The Chair of Impending Doom_!"

"The Chair?" Don Juanita squealed. "Yes! Now we learn what the Chair _really_ does!"

Erik hit the red button on the wall, revealing his torture chamber. Before I knew it, a dozen hands grabbed me and sat me down in the Chair. My hands and feet were restrained with leather straps and my head was secured in a strange metal restraining device that kept my face tilted up somewhat. I spotted a strange-looking apparatus above my head. I was starting to get worried.

Erik rubbed his hands together and laughed evilly. "Angel, you have annoyed me incessantly from the moment you bought me off E-Bay. I must say, I don't think I'll ever taste a sweeter revenge…" He moved over to a large switch at the opposite wall. "Prepare to meet your doom!" Then he pulled the switch.

At first, I felt nothing. Then, I felt something. Something cold and wet on my forehead. There it was again! I felt a little bit of water trickle down my face. I looked up and saw the strange apparatus that I had noticed earlier. It was steadily dripping water onto my forehead.

The rabid phans watched in silence for a moment. Finally, Don Juanita spoke up. "When does the torture begin?"

Erik smirked. "The torture has already begun!"

The Crickets of Impending Doom filled the silence left by the other phans. Then Erik of the Mask spoke. "That's it?"

"What do you mean, _that_'_s it_?" Erik demanded. "Angel will be writhing and begging for mercy in no time!"

"But all you're doing is dripping water on her head," Darklady pointed out.

"Ah, yes," Erik said. "But just watch… the pressure of a single drop of water will build and build to the point of total agony. Soon, every drop that hits her forehead will feel like a hammer pounding nails into her skull." Erik smiled proudly. "It's called Chinese water-torture."

DarkSilverMaiden crossed her arms. "I think an Evil Grapefruit Spoon of Impending Doom would be more effective."

Twenty minutes passed and nothing really happened, other than I found my annoyance growing from the constant dripping on my head. Erik looked at his watch and shrugged.

"It's a slow process, but I'm sure the end result is well worth the wait," he said. "I think I'll grab some popcorn while we're waiting…" He turned around and froze when he saw a pine branch standing upright in the middle of the room. It was decorated with lights and bits of garland. "Where did _that_ thing come from?"

"It's a Christmas tree!" Opera Dove said proudly. "We got bored waiting for Angel to start screaming so we set it up when you weren't looking."

"Yeah, this is taking forever," Music agreed as she sat down in front of the TV and started surfing. "Oh, _The Red Green Show_ is on!"

Erik scowled. "That show sucks!"

Music stuck her tongue out at him. "What do you know? Red Green kicks Canadian Arse! Crispers?" She offered him a bag of crispers.

Tad was pretty bored too, so she started a dance class. They did the Cha-Cha, a conga line, tap, jazz, and ballet, while Skibby's ultra-sparkly disco ball lit up the room. I just sat in the Chair. The water was started to pound a bit, but it was nothing compared to the torture of watching the chaos that continued within the closet.

"Oh, you know who I'd like to dance off with?" Annie giggled. "Someone whose name rhymes with Larc Tayne!"

As if by magic, my PC did its glowy-smoky routine. Then Marc Wayne landed in the middle of the closet with a thump.

"Huh?" He looked around. "Where am I?"

"Oh, Mr. Wayne!" Tad waved at him. "Wanna dance?"

Unfortunately, when Marc hears those words, he can't resist spending the next two hours trying to teach everyone within sight a ridiculously complex hip-hop dance. It didn't take long for everyone to get annoyed with him, and soon Marc was getting shoved into the torture chamber with me.

"What to use on the annoying Mr. Wayne?" Erik mused as his eyes scanned his vast array of torture-tools.

"I know!" KZ said. "Let's duck-tape him to the wall and light a fire under him!"

Marc looked scared. I glared at him. "That's what you get for shaking your booty in front of my mother!" I growled.

"I swear I didn't see her!" he cried. "Oh, to heck with this bunch! I'm outta here!" He tore free from the group and dove through my PC's monitor.

"Damn," Erik muttered. "I could have had fun with him…"

"Oh, well," Phantasy said, pulling out her laptop. "Angel can be my captive audience." She set up the laptop in front of me. "I'm going to force you to watch several hours worth of video and pictures of Hugh Panaro, including my personal favourite… his entire final Broadway performance as the Phantom that someone, uh… _coughillegallycough_ shot for me." She pressed play on the laptop.

"_NOOOO_!" I shrieked. "Anything but that! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

Erik scowled. "She's immune to classic Chinese water-torture, but she can't stand a stupid chick flick?"

Spinner perked up. "_Phantom of the Opera_? A _chick flick_? I didn't know chick flicks had Punjab lassos!"

Well, the closet crew grew bored listening to my moans of pain at watching Hugh Panaro, so while they waited for the hard-core torture to kick in, they started a game of poker… not just regular poker, though…

Strip poker…

"Hah! Royal Flush!" Skibby cried triumphantly as she laid her hand down. She grinned cheekily at Erik. "Now get your gear off, loser…"

Erik blushed, looking down at his current apparel… He wasn't very good at poker, and all he had on was a pair of black boxers and his mask and wig. Most of the girls least resistant to the image of Erik half-naked had already swooned and fainted. With a resigned sigh, Erik gave up his wig.

"I hate this game," he muttered.

"You're doing all your phans a favour," Elly said helpfully. "What phan-girl hasn't fantasized about their favourite masked grouch undressing?"

Tad glanced over at me in the torture chamber. "Are you sure that Chair of Doom works?" she asked Erik.

"No," he said gruffly.

Tad gave him a look. "You _don_'_t_?"

"No, I don't… Because it's _not_ the 'Chair of Doom.'" He rolled his eyes. "It's the Chair of _Impending_ Doom! Get it right!"

Tad frowned. "Well, _excuuuuse_ me!" She paused. "Do you think that after you let Angel out of that Chair she'll let me summon Achilles to the closet and try the Chair on him?"

Erik snorted. "I doubt it… When I'm done with her, she'll be a pathetic, whimpering puddle of human refuse…"

Tad sighed and propped her head up on her hand. "Achilles hasn't talked to me in three weeks… He's in the underground closet-room I built for him, but he's avoiding me… So are Hector, Paris, and all the Boys from Troy… I don't get it…"

"Maybe they're mad at you for holding them captive in an underground room," Erik suggested.

"Or maybe they're planning a special surprise party for you," Erik of the Mask said.

"Or maybe they're making plans to overthrow you and take over the world!" Elly cried.

Tad thought that last one over. "Nah, I doubt they're _that_ ambitious…" Her face lit up and she laid down her hand. "Full House! Take it off, Erik!"

Erik threw down his cards. "That's it! I'm sick of this game! The lot of you must be cheating!" He started searching the floor. "Hey… Where'd my clothes go?"

Skibby stood up on the couch, brandishing a pair of socks. "Looking for _these_?"

Erik looked up at her. "Hey! Those mine! Give them back!"

"Make me!" Then Skibby got an evil look. She threw the socks to the side and jumped off the couch, landing directly on top of Erik, pinning him to the floor.

"You're cute when you have no clothes on!" Skibby smiled. Then she did something really weird. She leaned down and licked Erik's nose.

"What the–? You're insane!" Erik raised a hand, trying to push her off, but then Skibby bit his fingers.

"Ouch! Get it off of me!" Erik cried as Skibby gnawed on his fingers.

"Outta my way!" KZ shoved Skibby aside. "I'm in a _glomping mood_!" Then she glomped Erik.

"I just want my clothes back!" Erik cried, crawling away from the strip poker phans. He paused when he came upon another group of the phans, who were huddled close together, whispering and giggling.

"Dare I ask what's going on here?" Erik asked. "Does anyone know what happened to my pants?"

Mrs. Butler turned and, upon seeing Erik in such a state of undress, nearly passed out.

"We're having a drawing contest," Justin said. He held up a piece of paper. "See? It's a rock…"

"And people say _I_ have no imagination…" I muttered from my spot in the Chair.

Erik glared at me. "Shut up and writhe in agony like a good girl!"

"Look what I drew," Hollom said. "It's a moo-fish…"

"A _what_?" Mrs. Butler said. "That's not a real animal!"

"Yes, it is!" Hollom protested. "I've been a sailor for a good long time… Moo-fish are possibly the most violent creatures of the water! Have you ever been minding your own business sailing a ship when a pod of moo-fish attack? It's not pretty!"

Erik glanced at the page. "It's a cow with fins!"

Hollom nodded vehemently. "Don't be fooled by their seemingly-passive exterior… They kill on sight!"

"Well, look what I drew!" Padme said, holding her picture up with a triumphant smile. "It's a _squirrel_!"

"_AAAAAAHHH_!" Justin dove behind the couch.

"Oh, don't worry, Justin," Darklady said. "The squirrels don't pose a threat anymore… It's the polka-dot piggies that are gonna take over! And I'm their leader! Bow to me!"

"You're crazy!" Erik cried. "Every single last one of you is completely crazy! _Where_ are my clothes?" Erik grabbed a blanket off the floor and tied it around his waist – a pitiful attempt at modesty.

It was about this time that Sophie appeared. She was wearing a cross between a dominatrix outfit, an underworld outfit, and a phantom outfit, and was carrying a large box. She set it down and cleared her throat.

Erik paused to look at Sophie, a little weirded out by her outfit. Sophie placed her hands on her hips and looked at him defiantly.

"This box is full of all the music Mozart ever composed," she informed him. "And I am prepared to hand it over to you…"

"Great," Erik said warily. "What's the catch?"

Sophie smirked. "All this will be yours, if you can defeat me in a duel." She held up two bolkins.

"Fight a _woman_?" Erik laughed. "You are mad!"

Sophie tossed one of the swords to him. "Mad like a fox!" She twirled her own weapon and gave him a cheeky smile. "Now are you a coward, or will you give me the honour of battling with the great Phantom of the Opera?"

XxXxX

**Hope you all liked that!**

**Please review! And remember, if you can think of something funny for me to include in the next chapter, please send me your suggestions! I know I don't always use everything, but sometimes I hold onto stuff for later chapters. Just keep sending me your ideas, I always love them!**

**Happy holidays, folks!**


	9. Help me!

**_Angel_: Alright, this is absolutely ridiculous. I always swore to myself that I would never turn into one of those authors that goes for a month without updating her story…**

**_Erik_: I do believe it has been _two_ months, Angel.**

**_Angel_: Oh, whatever! Anyways, that day has come. I guess a lot of you have probably been wondering, "What's her problem? Is she dead or something?" Well, no, you find me in the best of health. So, my poor excuse for not updating in so long? Two words…**

**_Erik_: Writer's block!**

**_Angel_: (_sob_) I never thought this would happen to me!**

**_Erik_: There, there…**

**_Angel_: So, now I'm turning to you (my loyal readers!) for help. A lot of you have left some good ideas in your reviews and I really appreciate it. I've also contacted some of you personally for help, as I have been struggling with this chapter for some time now (yeah, don't you guys know it?). But I'm still at a loss as to where I'm headed with this chapter, so once again I'm opening the floor for some ideas. It would be most helpful to me if you guys thought of things for your own personal characters to do or say, rather than simple generic stuff. Try to be specific. Be completely random! If you want, you could even write whole paragraphs for me to modify and/or cut and paste. I figure we've all had a hand in writing this fic, anyway. It's not really my story anymore. It's ours! So please help finish our fic. I've really been enjoying this one and in all honesty, I wanna find out what's going to happen! Plus, Erik's been on my case too, right Baby-Cakes?**

**_Erik_: What did you just call me?**

**_Angel_: Ummm… Right… So anyway, I'm hoping that I'll be able to wind this story down soon. I've just finished a sequel to one of my other fics and I wanna start posting it as soon as this one is done.**

**_Erik_: How about those Olympics, eh? Canada lost to the Swiss!**

**_Angel_: Uh… Right… Where did that come from?**

**_Erik_: Do fish like bacon?**

**_Angel_: Erik, what's wrong with you? You're being completely random!**

**_Erik_: Is it true that Tim Horton's puts nicotine in their coffee to make it more addictive?**

**_Angel_: I'm pretty sure that that one's an urban legend, but–**

**_Erik_: How is it that Gerard Butler is still on the verge of superstardom and complete anonymity?**

**_Angel_: He is?**

**_Erik_: And is his name Gerard? Or is it Gerald? With that Scottish accent it sounds like he's saying "Jared," but then I guess "Gerry" always suffices. And is this a picture of him in a dress?**

**_Angel_: That's a kilt, Erik!**

**_Erik_: I like the sword he's holding… So big, and shiny, and long, and sharp…**

**_Angel_: What is your problem? (_pause_) Uh-oh… (_picks up empty Timmy_'_s Ice Cappuccino cup_) Erik! You know what caffeine does to you!**

**_Erik_: I know, but my brain just seems to go haywire after I've had some… I guess when you're a genius like me, stimulants make you intellectually hyper… (_pause_) Do cell phones give you cancer?**

**_Angel_: (_facepalm_) Please help me out on this… Leave a review if you have any ideas at all.**

**_Erik_: (_singing wildly off_-_key_) _When I look around me_,_ I can_'_t believe what I see_!_ It seems as if this country has lost its will to live_._ The economy is lousy_._ We barely have an army_._ But we can still stand proud_,'_cause Canada_'_s really big_!_ We_'_re the second largest country on this planet Earth_! _And if Russia keeps on shrinking_,_ then soon we_'_ll be first_!**

**_Angel_: As long as we keep Quebec…**


	10. Count Erik?

**Angel: Hey, all! Sorry this chapter took so long coming. I have therefore appeased you all with a seventeen-page chapter. I hate writer's block! I've never had one before, and it totally sucks!**

**Erik: _You_ totally suck!**

**Angel: (_sticks tongue out_) Your _music_ totally sucks!**

**Erik: You don't mean that…**

**Angel: (_dreamy sigh_) No, you're right… I love your music… Anyhoo, the rating's been bumped up to a T for some mildly offensive material in this chapter.**

**Erik: Ooh, naughty Angel!**

**Angel: Thanks goes out to everyone who sent such wonderful ideas to me. I loved them all! Even if they aren't used in this chapter, I still have everything written down and I might use them later.**

**Erik: Is this fic ever going to end? Are we ever gonna get out?**

**Angel: _NEVER_! Muhehehe!**

**Erik: I am very scared…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Phantom of the Opera, Michael Crawford, Monty Python, Leroux, Pirates of the Caribbean, Dracula, Les Miserables, Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, Lord of the Rings, Tomb Raider, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Star Trek, the Boys from Troy, or Tim Horton's coffee… or anything else that may be included in this chapter…**

**Enjoy!**

XxXxX

_**Count Erik?**_

"You're crazy!" Erik cried at Sophie, who was still twirling her bolkin. "I'll cut you in half before you can blink!"

"Oh, you think so much better just 'cause you're a guy!" the Hair accused. "Chauvinistic pig!"

"I could take him!" DarkSilverMaiden cried. "I'll give him a roundhouse kick to the side of the head! Then I'll give him so many lefts, he'll be begging for a right!" Then she smiled. "Though currently I am too entranced by his nearly-nude form to focus on causing pain."

"Ah! Not Erik naked!" Alateriel shrieked. "Ah! My eyes! My virgin eyes!"

"Ah!" Skibby shrieked, not in horror but in delight. "Naked Erik!" She poised to pounce on him.

"Ack!" Erik held up his bolkin to defend himself. "If you're going to glomp, at least wait until I'm fully dressed!"

"Ah-ha, so you accept my challenge!" Sophie cried triumphantly.

"What?" Erik looked confused. "No, I didn't! I didn't!"

"Oh! A duel!" Skibby cried. "Can I be the commentator?" She produced a toy microphone and speaker from under one of the couch cushions.

Robika grabbed the mic from her. "I want to commentate too!" She put on her best commentator voice. "Today's match, it's Erik Lirit Panthea Arion Deven Canta Lyra Amma versus Sophie Vulpes Zorra Loco Amena Karla Heloise!"

"Hey!" Erik cried. "How'd you know my full name?"

"You know, I think this duel might be going somewhere," VagrantCandy said. "Lets all place bets! My money's on Sophie!"

KZ took the mic next. "Even in his boxers and wigless, Erik knows he must battle Sophie, for he loves Mozart dearly, and the sooner he gets it over with, the sooner he can search for his clothes. Little does he know, though, that the phans have shoved his clothes through the PC monitor and into the unknown…"

"You did _what_?" Erik shrieked.

"She's just kidding," Skibby said. "They're right here in my… I mean… I most definitely did _not_ steal all of your clothes to put on my Erik doll! Totally not, no way, not me, not ever, uh-uh, nope, no chance… But I'm keeping your socks!" She produced his socks and started cuddling them. "Oh, Erik's socks… You're so dark and brooding and fuzzy… Mmmm…"

"Oh, get a room, you two!" Tad said. "Or is it three, seeing as there are two socks? Or do you consider a pair of socks as one object? Is that politically correct? Hmm…"

Tad was left to solve the sock mystery while Skibby took the commentator mic again. "Really though, at this point, I think if Sophie sincerely wants to duel Erik, she should be offering him clothing, not Mozart. I mean, _Mozart_ won't shield you from the unbridled sexual frenzy of a bunch of rabid phangirls. Unless, of course, it's steel-reinforced Mozart. In that case, it would have defensive potential…"

Padme appeared at that moment and took the mic from Skibby. "_I_ have your clothes, Erik!" she cried. "And I'll sell them on E-bay if you don't give me a kiss!"

Erik made a face. "Bloody phan-tarts…"

"Oh, guess what guys!" Skibby cried, taking the mic again. "I gnawed on Erik! Muhehehe! I'm never brushing my teeth again!"

"Ew, that's gross!" Erik said, making a face. "You are excruciating! Be quiet!"

Skibby hung upside down off of the couch and grinned. "I like it when you use big words like 'excruciating!' But don't worry, Erik. I only gnaw on people out of affection."

"Can I get a glomp in?" Echo asked with puppy eyes.

"No!" Erik practically bit her head off.

"What if I gave you Phantom brownies?" Echo asked.

While Erik was distracted, Sophie took her chance to attack. "Have at you!" She ran after Erik with her bolkin.

Padme stuck out her foot and tripped Sophie, sending the girl flat on her face before she could reach Erik. "Sorry, friend," she said. "I just couldn't let you take Erik down like that. It would have been so sad to see Erik get his butt whooped by a girl. And, being the insane Sith that I am, I cannot help but interfere and wreck everything…"

Sophie pouted as she got to her feet. "No fair!" She suddenly produced a _real_ sword. "Time to even the odds!"

"Hey!" Erik cried. "Put that down! You don't have a clue how to use it! You'll put someone's eye out!"

"Why aren't we watching Lord of the Rings?" Alateriel asked. "Their sword fights are _so_ much better than the very fast one that just took place because Erik can easily beat Sophie even if they are using two flimsy excuses for swords. Nothing like the big, broad manly swords that Aragorn, Legolas, Eomer, Theoden, Theodred, Dernhelm, and all those other handsome and wonderful men use…" She trailed off as she got a dreamy look in her eye.

Upon hearing what Alateriel said about Sophie, Elly pulled a sword from nowhere, ""How dare you say such things about my creation!' Elly lunged at Alateriel in a attempt to strike her down where she stood, but was stopped not only by Sophie but by another Erik wearing the Red Death outfit from the movie.

"El' I can't let you kill her," cried Sophie.

"She is right _ma_ _petite_," said the Red Death Erik. "We can't allow you to shed blood, besides you know how she gets." Red Death was now looking at my Erik. "Sophie, can you hold her for a moment?"

"Yeah… Why?"

"Because any Erik standing there in nothing but a blanket is just disgraceful." He handed Elly over to Sophie and walked to my PC where he reached in and produced some clothes for Erik. "Now please dress yourself."

"I actually kind of like it," the Hair said. "It looks almost like a kilt!" She giggled. "Go man-skirt!"

"Hey!" the Dancing Egg suddenly piped up. "That'sth _my_ fuzzy bwankie! Gimme!"

With a flick of her wrist, the Dancing Egg removed the blanket from Erik's waist, leaving him in nothing but his Phantom of the Opera boxers.

"Oh, wow," Red Death said. "I didn't know we had _that_ kind of merchandise…" He turned around and saw all the phan girls staring at him. "What?"

"I don't think any of us have ever seen two Eriks at once," WanderingTeen said. "Exactly who are you?"

"I'm Elly's Erik," he said, looking around the closet. "Elly, is this where you go when you're mad at me? Where are we? Who are you people?"

While Sophie was busy paying attention to Alateriel, Erik took the opportunity to grab the sword from her hand. "Little girls shouldn't play with sharp objects!"

"Hey!" Sophie shrieked. "That's mine! Give it back! Give it!"

Erik dropped the sword and grabbed Sophie's wrists as she started throwing her fists wildly.

"(INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) you big, mean jerk!" Sophie screamed. "(INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) you!"

"Such language does not befit a young lady," Erik chided her.

They were momentarily interrupted when my PC suddenly sprang to life, smoking and glowing. Hayley Macrae jumped through the monitor. She had a big black fedora in her hands.

"Erik!" Hayley cried. She ran up to him and fell on her knees, holding up the hat. "A gift for you, stolen from the very head of Merik himself!"

"Who's Merik?" I asked, still restrained to the Chair of Impending Doom. Before Hayley could respond, a terrible, angry voice shouted from my PC.

"_Miss Macrae_!"

Hayley turned white. "Oh, no! He's followed me! If he asks, you didn't see me!" She dove behind the couch and hid.

Seconds later, a man dressed all in black with a swishy black cape came flying through my PC. When he lifted his head, I could see he was wearing a white mask that covered one half of his face.

"Ohmigosh!" I cried. "It's Michael Crawford!"

Michael glared at me. "I prefer _Merik_, thank you!" He had a really cool English accent. He glanced around the cramped room, at the many phangirls. His eyes rested on Erik, who was wearing nothing but his mask and his boxers, still grasping Sophie by the wrists.

"'Ello daffy French phans!" Merik said. "And Monsieur Erik Phantom, who has the brain of a duck!"

Erik was about to retort when Sophie suddenly cried out. "Oh, thank goodness you're here! Help! He's repressing me! Look! Look! It's obvious he's repressing me! You see him repressing me? You see it, don't you?"

Erik threw her wrists down. "You're impossible!"

Merik glared at Erik. "You dare to treat an innocent young woman so rudely?"

Erik shrugged. "Sure… If, by 'innocent,' you mean 'intolerable' and 'insufferable!'"

"You are a tyrant!" Merik pointed an accusing finger at him. "I should remove your great empty noggin from your cowardly shoulders!"

"Surely you must understand!" Erik tried to reason with him. "You're Michael Crawford! Women from all over the world are painfully obsessed with you! You must be able to sympathize with me!"

"Of course not!" Merik cried. "You are French type!"

"Not me," Red Death put in. "I'm Scottish."

"What are you, then?" Erik asked Merik.

"I'm English!" Merik cried. "Look at this elegant face and you should recognize I'm English. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Phantom? What a stuuuuupid Phantom!"

"If you're British, what are you doing in Canada?" Mrs. Malfoy asked.

"Mind your own business!" Merik snapped.

"And you say _I_'_m_ rude," Erik muttered.

"You don't frighten me, French pig-dog!" Merik said boldly. "Go and boil your bottom, you son of a silly person!" Merik grabbed Sophie's sword from the floor and pointed its end at Erik. "I'll chop off your head, French pig! If you come any closer, I will throw my runny nose at you, you great idiot with a great empty head!"

Erik glanced at me. "What a strange person…"

Merik turned his nose up. "I don't want to talk to you anymore, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Talking with an idiot makes me an idiot, too." He glared at Erik. "I fart in your general direction! I can almost guess how you've grown up, what type of parents you have. I can see it clearly when I'm looking at you. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Now leave this place, or I shall taunt you a second time!"

"But this is _my_ closet!" Erik exclaimed.

"Yeah," Skibby agreed. "And besides, we're stuck in here! Say, you know what the impermeable outer wall reminds me of? This one episode of Star Trek I once watched. Captain Kirk had to bust into a super important control room of some kind, but the door was sealed, and was impenetrable, for security reasons or some such thing. So they had to cut through the wall next to it with their super high tech lasers! You know the episode I'm talking about, right? You know, 'We're almost there, Captain Kirk! Only an inch or so of cardboard left to dematerialize!'" She started giggling.

"What are these _lasers_ of which you speak?" Merik asked. "Your nonsensical remarks are annoying! Be quiet!"

"I demand that you go back through that PC to wherever it is you came from at once!" Erik shouted at Merik.

"No chance, you French bed-wetting type!" Merik countered. "I burst my pimples at you and call your closet-escaping attempts a silly thing. _You_ exit through that PC, you illegitimate-faced bugger man! If you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, daffy French Phantom!"

The ferocity of Merik's taunting had taken Erik completely by surprise. He was convinced that a new strategy was required if he were to get Merik out of the closet without losing his sanity.

Erik threw down his bolkin and picked up his _real_ sword from behind the couch. "I challenge you to a duel," he said.

"Then you shall die," Merik said boldly, gripping his own weapon. "You and all your silly French '_phans_!' Victory shall be mine!"

The two Phantoms lunged at each other. After trading a few jabs and thrusts, Erik raised his sword and brought it down, easily severing one of Merik's arms.

"Eek!" Shadow cried. "He's bleeding! What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?" She promptly passed out.

"Now leave this place, worthy adversary," Erik said.

"Tis but a scratch," Merik shrugged.

"A _scratch_?" Red Death said incredulously. "Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't," Merik retorted, pretending not to notice.

"What's _that_, then?" Erik asked, pointing at Merik's severed arm, which lay bleeding on the floor.

Merik shrugged again. "I've had worse."

"You liar!" Erik cried.

"Come on, you pansy!" Merik lunged again. "This one is for your mother!"

A few more minutes of one-handed dueling, and Erik severed Merik's other arm.

"Ha!" Erik laughed. "You are un­-_armed_! Victory is mine!" Erik bent down to pick up Merik's severed arms. "Now if you will kindly take these and go, I would be most – _ow_!" Erik stumbled over as Merik kicked him in the side of the head.

"Come on, then!" Merik goaded him, kicking him again. "I blow my nose at you, so-called Opera Ghost!"

"_What_?" Erik cried.

"Have at you!" Merik shouted.

"You are indeed brave, good Monsieur," Erik admitted. "But the fight is mine!"

"Oh, had enough, eh?" Merik taunted. "You'd better withdraw before it's too late and go scavange for food in a rubbish heap!"

"Look, you stupid bastard!" Erik yelled. "You've got no arms left!"

"Yes, I have!" Merik insisted.

"Look!" Erik held up the severed arms.

"It's just a flesh wound," Merik cast it off, kicking Erik again.

"Stop that!" Erik protested.

"Chicken!" Merik laughed. "I once more unclog my nose in your direction, you son of a window dresser!"

"I'll have your leg!" Erik cried. "Right!" One swipe of Erik's sword severed Merik's right leg.

"I'll do you for that!" Merik growled, hopping about.

"You'll _what_?" Erik said incredulously.

"Come here!" Merik hopped around, trying to head-butt Erik. "You tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms!"

"What are you going to do?" Erik asked sarcastically. "Bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!" Merik laughed manically.

Erik rolled his eyes. "You're a loony."

"The Phantom of the Opera always triumphs!" Merik proclaimed. "Have at you! Come on, then! I wave my private parts at your auntie, you cheesy secondhand electric-donkey bottom biter!"

Erik sighed and lashed out with his blade, cutting off Merik's other leg. Merik lay on the floor pathetically, a bleeding torso. He tried to roll over, sit up, and wriggle across the floor, but found he couldn't. He was in a bad situation, and he knew it. Merik looked up at Erik, who stood frowning down at him.

"Alright," Merik said dejectedly. "We'll call it a draw."

"You idiot," Erik muttered. He turned to the phan-girls. "Get this mess out of here! Red, where are those clothes?"

"Oh, oh, I see," Merik said as the non-Crawford phans picked up his torso and his limbs and started hauling him over the the PC. "Running away, eh? Sending your little phans to take care of me, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off! I'll fire arrows into the top of your tiny head and make castanets out of your testicles!"

"Oh, shut up!" Mrs. Butler hit him in the side of the head before shoving him through the PC monitor. Then she sidled over to Red Death. "So, you're really Gerard Butler?"

"Um…" Red Death took a step back from Mrs. Butler, who was practically drooling on him.

"I _love_ you, Gerry!" Then she glomped him.

Erik stumbled out of his makeshift change room inside the pantry. "Red, you call these clothes?" he cried. "I feel like a buffoon!"

Everyone stopped and looked at Erik's new attire. He was wearing skin-tight black trousers and sexy boots, along with a poet's shirt that was open at the chest. He even had a new wig, which was jet black and absolutely perfect, without a hair out of place.

Basically, he looked like he just stepped out of the 2004 movie…

MTL smiled dreamily. "Marry me, Erik…"

"Ew, Erik!" I cried. "No more wearing open shirts until you shave your chest! Or at least _comb_ it!"

Erik crossed his arms in front of his chest, his normally pale skin tinted a shade of red.

"Ooh!" Carla squealed. "Erik just got a makeover!" Then her eyes brightened. "The whole closet should get a makeover! Erik, will you pretty, pretty please with dead-Raoul on top let us paint the closet? Oh, and decorate it too! It'll be _so_ much fun!"

Erik rolled his eyes. "Oh, brother…"

"We could even sing a song about it!" She cleared her throat. "**_Grab your brushes and your rollers_, _all you kids and all you_… _boulders_! _We_'_re going paintin_'_ today_!**"

"Give it up," Erik said. "We're not redoing this closet… I just got everything where I like it!"

Carla pouted. "If you don't say yes, there'll be another verse with scented candles! And I'll paint the closet _pink_!"

"Ew!" the Hair cried. "I hate pink!"

"Can I come out of the Chair yet?" I asked.

"No!" Erik snapped. "Not until you're writhing in pain and agony!"

Alateriel walked over to me. "I hope you know that Chinese water torture has a strange tendency to make people wet their pants." She shrugged. "Just thought you'd like to know."

Then another girl appeared, who kind of reminded me of a slightly possessed but nevertheless cute fluffy bunny. She stood beside Alateriel.

"I love torture!" she exclaimed. "Just not the icky bloody pulp fiction kind."

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm Jessie," she said. "I'm friends with Justin, the Hair, and Carla!" She smiled really wide. "Yay for bitter opera geniuses!" She looked around. "Where is Erik, anyway?"

"Over there, by the PC," SongBirdsGirl said.

"What are you doing?" Estelle asked him.

"Erik is on a quest to prove he really existed," KZ said dully.

"It's true!" Erik insisted, picking up a copy of Leroux's _Fantôme du l_'_Opéra_. "Leroux says so in the very fist paragraph! Here, let me translate it for you… '_The_ _Opera_ _Ghost_ _really_ _existed_. _He was not_, _as was long believed_, _a creature of the imagination of the artists_, _the superstition of the managers_, _or a product of the absurd and impressionable brains of the young ladies of the ballet_, _their mothers_, _the box_-_keepers_, _the cloak_-_room_ _attendants or the concierge_. _Yes_, _he existed in flesh and blood_, _although he assumed the complete appearance of a real phantom_; _that is to say_, _of a spectral shade_.'" Erik closed the book. "Now tell me, why would Monsieur Leroux write such a thing if it were not true?"

"To screw with your mind?" Spinner suggested.

Erik scowled and turned back to the computer. "Look at what I found… The name Christine Daaé was fabricated, but there _was_ a woman Leroux probably fashioned her from – Christine Nilsson! The similarities between the two women are uncanny! Christine Daaé was raised in Skotelof, Sweden, and Christine Nilsson was raised in Skatelöv, Sweden. Both of their fathers sang in the church, both traveled with their fathers as children, both sang for money at fairs… Christine Daaé was discovered at the Limby fair and Christine Nilsson at the Ljungby fair… Christine Daaé was discovered and trained by a Professor Valerius while Christine Nilsson was trained by Adelaide Valerius-Leuhusen. Both teachers took both girls to live in Gothenburg with them and both married a count and became a countess! Now, are you trying to tell me that is purely coincidence?"

"So Leroux met a pretty girl one day and decided to put her in his book," Carla said. "That doesn't mean the story is _real_."

"Just wait!" Erik said. "There's more! Both Christines played in _Faust_ as Marguerite. Both played in _Hamlet_ as Ophelia. Both played in _The_ _Magic_ _Flute_ as the Queen of the Night. Christine Daaé was, indeed, Christine Nilsson! Now, another character in the book is that idiotic diva opera singer, Carlotta. She was Christine's rival. Christine Nilsson had many rivals, but one in particular was a woman named Marie Miolan-Carvalho. She was thought of as lightly gifted… if that. However, her determination to succeed kept her in the game. And when she was young, her beauty was all that she needed to get her whatever she wanted."

"How interesting…" SongBirdsGirl said as she stole some of Erik's popcorn and popped it into her mouth.

"There was also a woman named Rosa Carron who seems just a bit like that annoying diva… In the book, when the chandelier fell, a concierge who had just been appointed to take Madame Giry's job was killed. In Carron's case, the entire chandelier did not fall – only a counterweight off of it. It fell and killed a concierge who was scheduled to take the place of a senior one! Another big time rival of Christine Nilsson was Adelina Patty, who was not very fond of Christine whatsoever. Critics at the time continually criticized Adelina about her inability to sing as high or as gracefully as Christine."

Mrs. Malfoy yawned and stuggled to keep her eyes open. "I really didn't come here for a history lesson…"

"Now look at this…" Erik gestured at the computer screen. "Raoul was the brother of a Count François de Carpentier. He had another brother named Hubert. But Raoul died shortly after birth." Erik snorted. "Hehe… Dead Raoul… Anyways, further down the line, we find that one Philippe de Chagny, Count François's cousin, also had a younger brother named Hubert. So Leroux probably substituted the name of the deceased uncle, Raoul, for that of Hubert, since both names were so closely related from the beginning of the Carpentier de Chagny line."

"I think you're reaching, Erik," Padme said.

"There's more!" Erik insisted. "Count François had a son, Raoul's nephew. His name was…" Erik suddenly stopped, the colour draining from his face. "H-his name… was…"

KZ glanced over his shoulder at the computer screen.

"His name was Erik!"

"You're related to the _fop_?" Jessie squealed.

"Raoul's your uncle!"

Estelle grinned. "Erik de Chagny!"

Erik was too shocked to read on, so KZ did. "Erik was de Carpentier's only son, so when his father died, Erik became Count de Chagny!"

"Count Erik!" Mima giggled.

Then, amidst the taunting, a single voice broke through the chatter. This voice belonged to Robika. She was singing.

"**_I love you_! _I love you_! _I love everything about you dear_, _and I swear it_'_s_ _true_, _I love you_! _I love you_! _I love you_! _I love everything about you_, _baby_, _and maybe it_'_s true_, _I love_–**" Everyone just kind of shut up and listened to her.

"So does everyone else here," Erik said. "What makes you so special?"

Robi pulled her earphones out of her ears and looked around. "Sorry, was I singing out loud? I do that sometimes. I'm sorry." She stuck her earphones back in and mouthed along to the song silently. People gave her strange looks and then went back to their taunting.

"He's a Count!" MTL snorted.

I think Erik was slightly hurt, as he was used to being fawned over by all the rabid phan girls. But Robika wasn't even paying attention to him!

"What is wrong with the world?" Erik muttered.

"Really, Erik," I said. "I thought you'd like it if one of your phans gave you some personal space for once."

Erik glared at me. "Aren't you in pain yet?"

"Immense pain," I said through gritted teeth. "But I have an extremely high pain tolerance, as is required when you have a bad leg and are a dancer. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I danced in _two_ shows on a twisted ankle without the benefit of a brace or tensor? It hurt a lot! But I never missed an SB show in my life, so I wasn't about to let–"

"Yes, I've heard that story a thousand times!" Erik snapped.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "You aren't even a thousand times old!"

Erik furrowed his brow. "Huh?"

"You heard me! You aren't even a thousand times old! That's what Magdalyn always tells Matt, when they're setting up the truss? Matt says, 'I've done this, like, a million times already!' And then Mags says, 'You're not even a million times old!' It was much funnier when she said it, of course, maybe because of the stupid look on Matt's face. Sometimes I still wonder if he ever got it, but–"

"What is she talking about?" Erik asked.

"Dear me," MTL said. "I think she's going insane."

"The pressure on her brain must be getting to her," Erik concurred.

"Funny, how people always thought I was insane to begin with," I continued. "Well, they should see me now! This is almost as good as sniffing glue, other than the pain of course. Not that I'd know what sniffing glue is like, as I have never done it… Well, not intentionally, anyway… When I was in grade one we always had these little school projects that involved some kind of glue, and well, you know how kids can be… But I never got a high off of it. At least, I don't think I did. Who was my first grade teacher, anyway?" I paused as I noticed that everyone was staring at me. "Hi, what are we talking about?"

"Now seems like the perfect time to put my evil plan into action," Darklady said.

"Evil plan?" I repeated. "What evil plan?"

"Well," Darklady said, "seeing as you're beginning to go insane from the Chinese water torture, my only conclusion is that you will eventually die. And when you do, I'm gonna take over the closet and kick out all of the phan girls and have Erik all to myself. I've figured that this is the next best step to taking over the world. So, sorry Angel… You're my guinea pig…"

"You wanna take over my closet?" I growled. "You and what army?"

Darklady moved over to my PC. "Well, I'm sure I could summon forth an army of evil polka-dotted pigs to come to my aid." She started muttering some gibberish at the computer. I thought she was just crazy until the monitor began to smoke and glow. The room vibrated a little.

"Say 'ello to my little friends!" Darklady laughed evilly.

Then my PC vomited three men up out of its glowy depths.

"Hmmm…" Darklady furrowed her brow in confusion. "I saw that going differently in my mind."

"Forget the pigs!" Shadow exclaimed when she saw just _who_ was in the closet with us now. "That's Will Turner and Commodore Norrington and Jack Sparrow!"

Jack looked up with a scowl. "_Captain_ Jack Sparrow, if you please…"

"Ooooh!" Tad jumped into Will's lap. "I love you!"

"Umm…" Will looked slightly scared. "Who are you again?"

"You bloody pirate!" Norrington glared at Jack. "You slipped brandy into my tea again, didn't you? Now I'm drunk!"

"I'm afraid you're not drunk, my friend," Erik said. "This is all quite real."

"Don't even try talking to me," Norrington sneered. "You're a hallucination brought on by alcohol, Irish brandy, posioned by bootleggers!"

"I don't like that man," Red decided.

"That would make two of us," Jack muttered.

"I heard that, you bloody pirate," Norrington growled.

"It's been a pleasure Commodore," Erik said. "But now I've lost my patience with you. I'm afraid you'll have to go now. Oh, and by the way… that powdered wig looks stupid…"

Norrington looked like he was about to protest, but then both Erik and Red grabbed his arms and flung him back through the PC into the unknown.

Will looked totally awed. "How'd you do that?"

"Like this," Red said as he grabbed Will and threw him through the monitor after Norrington.

"No!" Tad cried as she burst into tears. "Why'd you do that? I was gonna marry him!"

"Oops," Red said. "My bad."

"There, there," AngelUndertheOpera, formerly Lonemutant, said consolingly as she patted Tad on the back.

Jack looked a bit worried. "I trust you have no plans on sending me after 'em, do y'mate?"

Erik shook his head. "No… you seem like a civilized human being…"

"Ooooh, Eeeeriiiik!" AUTO sing-songed as she tip-toed over to him.

"What now?" Erik asked.

"Wanna make out?"

"No."

"How come?"

Erik covered the top of his head with his hands. "Because the last time you got this friendly, you tried to set my wig on fire!"

"Oh, I'm not a pyromaniac anymore," AUTO batted her eyes. "I'm nicey-nice now!"

"I don't believe you…" Erik said, still protecting his wig.

AUTO pouted. "Oh, fine!" Then her eyes seemed to brighten as she got an idea. "Well, then… Can I have one of your cloaks?"

Erik looked suspicious. "Why?"

"Because I want to be a vampire with this guy." She reached into my PC and pulled out a man with long, curly, dark hair, black pants, black shirt, and a black trench coat.

"Don't you have any colour in your wardrobe?" I asked from my spot in the Chair.

"Oh, ma gawsh!" Tad squealed, her sorrow over losing Will Turner completely forgotten. "It's another Gerard Butler character!"

"Dracula 2000, to be precise," AUTO said with a cheeky grin.

Dracula looked around, confused and slightly frightened.

AUTO gave Erik puppy eyes. "Can I pretty please have one of your cloaks?" she begged. "I've always wanted to be a vampire with Gercula!"

Erik rolled his eyes. "Merik left his cloak behind. Use that."

AUTO wrinkled her nose. "Ew! No! That has his blood all over it from the duel!"

"Oooh, blood!" Dracula's eyes turned bright red. He scooped the cloak up off of the floor and sniffed it. "Hmmm… English male… Caucasian… I'd estimate roughly in his early sixties… He likes vodka coolers and going to the gym… He owns a Beagle-Jack Russel named Spot, third in a litter of seven…" Dracula shrugged. "Not exactly top quality… I actually prefer young females… Oh, what's this?" Dracula sniffed the cloak again, then he drew back in horror. "An _actor_?"

"It wasth Michael Cwawford," the Dancing Egg said. "But then Ewik chopped him up and shtuffed him thwough the compweter…"

Dracula raised an eyebrow at that.

AUTO moved over to where I was standing and whispered to me. "I actually don't really want to be a vampire with him… I'm just trying to make Erik jealous. Do you think it's working?"

Dracula dropped the cloak. "This won't do. I've made a habit of not eating celebrities. After that Valerie girl and her unbridled sexual frenzies, I made an oath – never again!"

"Wait a minute!" I cried. "You're Judas Iscariot!"

Dracula glowered at me. "I prefer _not_ to be called by that name…"

"You betrayed Jesus!" I spat at him. "You suck!"

"Uh, oh," Erik murmured. "I forgot that Angel's Roman Catholic…"

"I should kick you where it hurts and throw an exploding Bible at you!"

Dracula looked at Erik. "Can I eat _her_?"

"That's probably not such a good idea," Red said. "If she dies, there will be no one left to write this fic, and then we'll all cease to exist."

Dracula shrugged as he made his way over to me. "Existence is overrated."

"Hey, you leave her alone!" the Hair stood between Dracula and me. "If you hurt her, I'll bite you!"

"And if you don't get out of my way," Dracula said, "_I_'_ll_ bite _you_!" Then he bared his freaky-looking fangs at her.

But the Hair was unaffected. She was either very brave, or very dumb. "You don't scare me!" she said defiantly. "And your breath smells like death!"

"Heh, heh… that rhymed!" WanderingTeen said. "You know? Breath? Death?"

"I could kill you for saying that!" Dracula threatened the Hair.

"So what?" the Hair countered. "I'll die someday, and it won't be mythical or magical. I'll just bite into a Twinkie and fall over!"

Dracula looked back at Erik. "Is she mocking me?"

"I don't know," Jack said. "But she's beginning to scare me."

At that precise moment, my PC began to smoke and glow violently.

"What now?" Erik said impatiently.

Then a single squirrel emerged from the monitor.

"AAAAAAAAAAHH! SQUIRREL!" Justin shrieked. He dove behind the couch.

Dracula, Jack, and Red looked at Erik. "What's his problem?" they asked in unison.

My little kitty Ginger suddenly woke from his nap on the couch when he saw the fuzzy creature appear from the PC. Stealthily, he jumped off of the couch and moved over to my desk where the little thing sat unmoving. Ginger approached it cautiously until he was mere inches away.

"BOO!" the squirrel shrieked.

Ginger jumped nearly three feet, puffing up like a puffer fish. He darted and ran behind the couch with Justin.

"Am I hearing things, or did that thing just talk?" Jack asked.

"Indeed, I spoke!" the squirrel said. "I am Vlad, the Talking Squirrel… Actually, I am not even a squirrel. I am really a rabid alien trapped in this life form. Now I am going to lead a hostile takeover of this closet."

"Dracula, eat that fuzz-ball!" Jack cried.

Dracula looked at the creature lazily. "I don't eat junk food…"

"A vampire with standards," Jack rolled his eyes as he reached for his sword. "Fine, then. I'll deal with the little bugger myself!"

"You would have to take that up with my brothers," Vlad said.

"Who are your brothers?" Red asked.

"Ghangus, Nappy, Adolph, Jason, Chucky, Attila, Kaiser… And the other two thousand that Mother couldn't think of names for…" My PC began to glow ominously.

"Uh, oh…" Opera Dove said. "This is like War of the Worlds… and I really didn't like that movie!"

"Oh, brothers!" Vlad called into the monitor. "The humans don't like you. They are a threat to our existence! _ATTACK_!"

Dozens of squirrels began filtering in through the PC monitor.

"Kill with extreme prejudice!" Vlad commanded his army.

"I know!" Blueflamewolf cried out. "Angel's really rabid now that she's been tortured for so long. Maybe we can use her to fight the squirrels!"

"Are you insane?" Erik demanded. "She couldn't fight a bus!"

"Well, that's the only worthwhile suggestion anyone's made!" Dracula said as he stalked over to the Chair. He easily snapped the leather straps that restrained me. "Kill!" he commanded me.

I looked at the squirrels and then back at Dracula. "Hmmm… no…"

"_What_?" Dracula shouted. "We're under attack! I order you to kill them!"

"I don't want to."

"I _command_ you!"

"You're not the boss of me!" I stuck my tongue out at him. "You can't tell me what to do! And don't yell at me!"

"Hey!" Jack yelled at us. "Could you two stop your pointless arguing and bloody _help_ us?"

Dracula and I turned to see all of the phans, plus Erik, Red, Jack, and Hollom flipping over the couch and grabbing what little furniture we had to build a barricade through the centre of the room. Hollom grabbed my PC and brought it over to 'our' side. The squirrels looked like they were ready to attack.

Dracula glared at me. "I'm gonna kill you when this is done!" With that, he grabbed me around the waist and tossed me over his shoulder.

"Hey, lemme go!" I demanded as I kicked my legs.

Dracula took a few long strides and jumped, easily clearing the barricade and landing on our side. There, he placed me (rather, _dumped_ me) on safe ground.

"Go play in the sun!" I scoffed at him.

The phans grabbed a few more chairs and my desk to add to the barricade. Around this time, Erik thought it was the perfect time to break into song.

"**_Here upon these stones we will build a barricade_,**" he sang. "**_In the heart of the closet we claim as our own_!**"

"Shut up," Jack muttered.

Spongekid took up the singing. "**_Do you hear the phan girls sing_, _singing the song of angry men_? _It is the music of a Phantom who will not be glomped again_! _When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums_, _there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes_!**"

"I said shut up!" Jack said none-too-gently.

Echo joined in. "**_Red_, _the blood of angry men_! _Black_, _the dark of ages past_! _Red_, _a world about to dawn_! _Black_, _the night that ends at last_!**"

"I gonna throttle the next person who sings!" Jack shrieked.

"**_You at the barricades listen to this_!**" Vlad the squirrel sang out. "**_No one is coming to help you to fight_! _You_'_re_ _on your own_, _you have no friends_! _Give up your guns or die_!**"

"**_Damn their warnings_, _damn their lies_!**" Blue sang. "**_They will see the people rise_!**"

Jack brandished his pistol. "One more chorus and I'll kill all of you!"

"You've only got one shot," Dracula said dryly.

Jack shrugged. "I'll just need a few lucky ricochets."

"I wonder why those squirrels are here in the first place?" Hollom said. "It's almost as if something in this closet is drawing all these strange characters in through the PC."

"You!" Lux Leroux pointed an accusing finger at Hollom. "This is all your fault! You're like a Jonah, or something! We're going to have to sacrifice you to the squirrels!"

"I'm not a Jonah!" Hollom protested.

Leroux was about to make more accusations when they were interrupted by the Dancing Egg.

"Sthay 'ello to my wittle fwiends!" She started chucking eggs at the squirrels. "Egg twoupes!"

Vlad shook egg goo off of his head. "Prepare to attack whilst singing dramatically!" he commanded his army.

The squirrel army broke out into a chorus. "**_Watch_ '_em_ _run amok_! _Catch_ '_em_ _as they fall_! _Never know your luck when there_'_s_ _a free for all_! _Here a little dip_, _there a little touch_! _Most of_ '_em_ _are goners so they won_'_t_ _miss much_!**"

"How uplifting," Carla said dryly.

"If only I could find a way to get my spaceship out of the computer!" Invaderoperaghost said. "That would almost be fun!"

"If only I could find a way to get my army of baby hippogriffs through the computer," Gasp added. "Along with the Giant Wooden Popsicle Stick of Ice Creamy Doom!"

"Oh, shut up!" Carla shrieked. "My caffeine levels are depleted! I need coffee in an IV! Somebody help me! AHH!"

"Sorry," I said. "We ran out of coffee, remember? I haven't been able to get down to Timmy's for another gift tin."

"Oh, that reminds me," Skibby blushed. "Snortleby told me that he was the one that ate all of the coffee. He's sorry."

We all looked at Skibby's pet chinchilla, which was currently doing the Jitterbug uncontrollably.

"Well," DarkSilverMaiden said. "For the circumstance of having no coffee, I am ashamed of you!" She waggled her finger at me. "But luckily for you, I come bearing gifts." She held up a large bag of Starbucks Specialty blend.

I rolled my eyes at her. "I wanted _actual_ coffee…"

"Well, Tim Horton's coffee has nicotine in it!" Mask said. "I know! My mom worked there! Canada sucks. The hockey team sucks. Well, we have good coffee, right? No… What's good about Canada?"

"Ow, that hurt," Anne said. "My maple-leaf-shaped heart is broken in two… Oh, yeah, and go, Sens, go!"

"May I remind you, Jane," Erik said. "I detest hockey."

"My name isn't Jane!" she shrieked. "And my name isn't Anne anymore, either. I am now Spruce Goose Mach 2."

"Canadian hockey rules!" Padme suddenly cried. "**_Me like hockey_! _Me like hockey_!**"

WanderingTeen grinned. "I love that song!" She joined in. "**_TV soccer not that hot_. _You play bad_, _then you get shot_. _Me like hockey_! _Me like hockey_! _Swedish players must be geeks_, '_cause they still got own real teeth_!**"

"**_Me like Sergei Federov_,**" Spruce Goose sang. "**_Me like him more if head were off_. _Ha_, _ha_, _ha_!**"

"**_Please Mr_. _Linesman let the players fight_,**" Mask sang. "**_Let them fight_, _let them fight_, _let them fight_!**"

"**_Friends come over_, _put game on_,**" I sang. "**_Argue then we lay bets down_. _Got bag of chips and case of Bud_. _Should last_ '_til end of first period_. _But Yankees_, _they win the world cup_. _Me think they cheat_, _use glowy puck_. _Maybe if we want to win her_, _maybe we should play in winter_. _Me like hockey_! _Me like hockey_!**"

"Excuse me," Dracula cut in. "You may recall that we are currently under attack?"

"You humans at the barricades, listen to this!" Vlad cried from the squirrels' side of the room. "We have infected one of your own with our mind control! Surrender now!"

"Who do you think they infected?" Mrs. Malfoy wondered.

We heard a chittering sound. When we looked at the source of the noise, there was Opera Dove, scrambling around on all fours like a squirrel.

"It's a squirrel!" Justin shrieked. "Girl-squirrel! Squirrel-girl! AAAAAHHHH!" He buried his head under one of the sofa cushions.

Dracula rolled his eyes. "I have to do everything myself, don't I?" He moved over to Opera Dove.

"Wait!" Red called. "Whatever you do, you can't kill her!"

Dracula sighed. "Fine. I promise I will not kill anyone."

"Swear it!" Red said.

Dracula raised his right hand. "I _swear_ I will not kill anyone."

"Alright, then," Red said, satisfied.

Dracula reached over and tapped Opera Dove on the top of the head. She went out like a light.

"Drac!" Red protested.

"She'll live," he muttered.

"Say, how'd you do that?" Mask asked.

"Please," Dracula rolled his eyes. "I have more strength in my pinkie-finger than you have in your arm!"

"Show-off," Invaderoperaghost muttered.

"Wait!" Mrs. Malfoy exclaimed. "I just got an idea! Oh, wow! It's such a great idea, I can't believe I thought of it!"

"Well, what is it?" Red asked.

"Just wait a second," Mrs. Malfoy said. "I've gotta take a moment… This feels really cool… having a great idea, I mean… Is this how you always feel, Angel? I mean, obviously not when you had that nasty writer's block, but still…"

"Out with it!" Dracula snapped.

Mrs. Malfoy jumped, then she proceeded to tell us what her idea was. "All these fictional characters have been showing up in the closet, right? Maybe if we use the PC, we can bring someone in here who could help us!"

"That's actually a _very_ good idea," Erik exclaimed. He moved over to where my PC now sat on the floor and reached inside the monitor.

"A Navy Seal, perhaps?" Erik muttered as he felt around inside the screen for who-knows-what? When he finally pulled his arm out, he was holding a short, scrawny, ugly little creature by its leg.

"Eek!" Tad cried. "It's Gollum! You asked for a Navy Seal!"

"And instead I got Smeegle?" Erik dropped Gollum. Gollum looked around, confused.

"Where are we, precious?" he asked. "Where are we?" He jumped on top of Erik, knocking him to the floor, and grabbed him around the throat. "Give it to us, hobbitesses! Hobbitesses have slipped away, my precious, slipped away! Tell us where are the hobbitesses!" His grip slowly tightened on Erik's neck. Erik looked _really_ scared.

"Hobbitesses!" Gollum cried. "Yes, my precious, hobbitesses!"

"Only _one_ scary character is allowed in this closet," Dracula said as he grabbed Gollum by the scruff of the neck. "Please leave." With that, he tossed Gollum back through the computer.

"You just saved my life!" Erik cried, gasping for breath.

"No, I didn't," Dracula retorted.

"Yes, you did!"

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

"So what!" Dracula snapped. "I mean, it's not because I'm particularly fond of you, or anything!"

"I'll bet Dracula has a crush on Erik!" Darklady accused. "Yes! That's why he saved him!"

Dracula made a face. "Ew, no. That is just wrong on so many levels."

Darklady started singing. "**_I am agog_! _I am aghast_! _Is Dracula in love at last_? _I_'_ve never seen him ooh and aah_! _You talk of battles to be won_, _and here he comes like Don Juan_! _It_'_s better than an opera_!**"

Dracula's eyes turned red and he bared his fangs. "If you don't shut up this instant, I will silence you forever!"

"You swore you wouldn't kill anyone," Hollom reminded him.

Dracula sighed dejectedly. "Oh, yeah…"

"Well," Erik dusted himself off. "There must be _someone_ we can bring in to help us. Maybe I should try asking for a mercenary?"

"Good idea," the Hair said. "Mercenaries are always helpful."

Erik reached into the PC again, only this time he pulled out Terry Sheridan from _Tomb_ _Raider_.

"For once I'm wrong!" the Hair cried.

"Ooh!" Darklady clapped her hands. "Yet _another_ Gerard Butler character!"

"Where am I?" Terry asked with his cute Scottish brogue.

"Get him out of here!" the Hair cried. "I don't like him!"

Everyone, including Terry, looked at her like she was insane, which she quite possibly was.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" she asked. She pointed a finger at Terry. "Can you believe this jerk? Taking advantage of Lara for '_power_?' Ooh, it makes me mad! Ack! Stupid men! Except Erik, of course." She started shoving Terry back towards the PC monitor. "Back you go!"

"Wait!" Terry cried. He started to say something, but in his fear and confusion, his Scottish accent got way heavier, and no one could really understand him as the Hair shoved him back through the PC.

"Aaaaaiiiiieeee!" Terry cried as he disappeared into the unknown.

"Did anybody catch what he said, there?" the Hair asked afterwards.

"Let's ask a true Scotsman," Erik suggested. "Red?"

Red looked up from his copy of _The Daily Phantom_. "Yes?" he asked.

"Did you understand what Terry said right before the Hair got rid of him?"

"Yes," Red replied, then he went back to reading his paper.

Erik waited expectantly. Red continued to read.

"Are you going to _tell_ us what he said?" Erik asked finally.

Red looked up again. "It really made no sense at all," he said. "Something about, 'I have all your stuff the PC stole,' or something like that."

"_WHAT_?" Erik screamed.

"Or maybe it was, 'I have a tough and greasy pole,'" Red said. "Or 'I bathe a rough man's easy mole?' Or 'I shave a gruff bug's cheesy soul?"

"Terry had my light-sabre!" Padme cried. "We could have gotten out of here!"

"Oops!" the Hair said, blushing.

"Way to go!" Erik threw up his hands. "He was probably our only chance of getting out of here!"

The Hair crossed her arms stubbornly. "Well, I'd sooner stay in here forever than be rescued by _that_ jerk! Come on, try again! Maybe there's someone else who can help us!"

"Yes, yes!" Mima cried. "Someone with great knowledge!"

"Someone who can understand Erik!" Spinner added.

"Someone we're not all going to glomp," VagrantCandy put in.

"Someone who isn't a complete freak," Dracula muttered.

Erik took a deep breath and reached into the monitor. "One last time… Here goes nothing…"

When Erik pulled his arm out, none of us could believe who was in his grasp.

"Andrew Lloyd Webber!" Blue exclaimed.

Andrew looked around. "Where am I? Who–?" His gaze rested on Erik. Then his eyes brightened. "Erik! Is that you?"

"You know my name?" Erik said.

"Of course I do!" Andrew exclaimed. "I created you!"

"You did not!" Erik retorted. "Gaston Leroux created me!"

Andrew rolled his eyes. "Oh, whatever… I immortalized you! Please, how many people have _actually_ read the book? And how many of them didn't see the musical first? You can thank me for your fame…"

"Oh, yes," Erik said dryly. "Thank you _so_ much! If you hadn't made that musical, I'd have a small apartment in Paris, with a very small circle of phan girls who would spend every waking moment analyzing my character, rather than analyzing my ass. Oh, _oui Monsieur_, how on earth will I ever repay you?"

Andrew shrugged. "I'm sure you'll think of something…" He turned and saw Red Death standing behind him. "Why hello, Gerry! How are you?"

With a growl, Erik tackled Andrew to the floor and started pummelling him.

"You moron!" he shouted as he pounded the older man into the floor. "Do you have _any_ idea what you've done to me? I never get any sleep! I have no privacy! There are teenage girls everywhere with cameras trying to convince me to undress! They show up in my room in less-than-nothing lingerie! The libido level in this room is suffocating! I never get a single moment's peace! And then you go and make a movie about it with the same guy who played Angelina Jolie's _lover_? Are you _retarded_? You've ruined me! You idiot!" With that, Erik tossed him head first through the monitor.

Erik turned around and exhaled deeply. "That felt good," he said. "I've been wanting to do that for a very long time."

Blue stared at Erik with awe. "Wow, Erik," she breathed. "That was intense."

"Oh, daffy humans!" Vlad's voice called over the barricade.

"Things simply aren't improving," Hollom muttered.

We all peaked over the barricade where Vlad's army was assembled. He looked at as smugly, or at least as smug as a squirrel can look. "Are you ready to surrender now?" he asked.

"_Surrender_?" Erik exclaimed. "What do you take us for? Nitwits?"

Vlad shrugged. "It would be so much easier for us if you would just give up now, and let us harvest your bodies in the name of science."

"Easier for _you_?" Red said incredulously.

"That's ludicrous!" Hollom cried.

"You can't just come in here an' 'spect us to cooperate with y'mates," Jack added. "It is simply unreasonable."

The squirrels cried out, seemingly affected by what Jack just said.

"Don't say that word!" Vlad cried.

"What word?" Hollom asked.

"I can't say!" Vlad said irritably. "Suffice to say, the one word that our kind cannot bear to hear!"

"What is it?" Dracula asked.

"You said the word again!" Vlad cried as the other squirrels covered their ears with their tiny paws.

"What? Is?" Red asked.

"No!" Vlad growled. "You wouldn't get very far in life without saying 'is.'"

"I think they're faking it," Jack whispered to Erik.

The squirrels cried out again.

"It would be a great way to lure us into a false sense of security," Erik admitted.

The squirrels writhed on the floor, covering their ears and making horrible noises.

"I think they're carrying it a bit too far, though," Dracula said.

"Stop saying the word!" Vlad shrieked.

"Oh, stop it!" Dracula shouted at them.

"He said it again!" Vlad cried. "Wait! I said it! I just said it! I said it again! That's three 'its!'"

"Zhey're monsters!" one of the other squirrels (I think it was Adolph) cried out. "Let us flee zhis terrible place! Run away!"

The squirrels piled into the computer monitor, until not one was left in the room. Cinnamon tried to follow after them, but I scooped her up first.

"No, no, little one," I said. "You stay here with mummy and Uncle Erik."

"I'm not that little monster's uncle," Erik muttered.

"Oh, but Erik," I said. "Little Cinnamon-Stix _loves_ you!" I held her up to him. "Say '_hello_!'"

Cinnamon hissed at him.

Erik rolled his eyes.

Mima crawled over the barricade. "That's it!" she cried. "We're going to have a talent show _right now_!"

"Why?" Erik asked dully.

"Because," she said, "I've wanted to have one for the last three chapters. This closet needs some comic relief, and talent shows are always funny! Well, maybe they're not supposed to be funny, but they always are!"

"I wanna go first!" KZ cried. She snatched Red Death's skull mask from his face and held it up. "To be, or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die, to sleep no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause: there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life."

Red was covering his face with one hand. "Give me my mask back!" he demanded.

"But I need a prop!" KZ insisted.

"But I cannot bear allowing you to look upon my hideous visage," he wept.

"Oh, pull yourself together man!" Erik slapped him. "It's nothing more than a nasty blister compared to _my_ face!"

"Oh sure, go on," Red sniffled. "Belittle my pain."

"It's our turn!" MTL and Hayley cried, rushing up to the front of the room.

"This is how we think the lair-scene in the Phantom movie should have gone," MTL said. "I'm gonna be Erik, and Hayley will be Raoul."

"Who will be Christine?" Mima asked.

"For argument's sake, we'll say Erik locked her in her room," Hayley said.

"Oh… OK…"

Hayley and MTL faced each other. Hayley pointed an accusing finger at MTL. "You fiend! What have you done with my lover?"

MTL grinned evilly. I was amazed at how much she resembled Erik at that moment. "Shouldn't you be asking what I _haven_'_t_ done with her?"

"Christine would never let the likes of you lay a hand on her!" Hayley declared. "She is in love with _me_!"

"Really?" MTL asked. "That's not what she was saying five minutes ago… In fact, I do believe she was saying, 'Oh, dear sweet Lord, Erik, don't stop! Yes Erik! Yes Erik! Yes–!"

"Enough!" Hayley said, cutting MTL off in mid-orgasm. "Have you no shame, you monster? How dare you attempt to taint Christine's reputation in such a manner! Open the door so that I may destroy you, though I am completely unarmed!"

MTL pulled a make-believe lever and Hayley came to stand in the 'lair.'

"I shall kill you now," MTL said.

"Do your worst, monster!" Hayley said boldly.

MTL took a length of fabric that was supposed to serve as a Punjab lasso. She threw it over Hayley's head and pretended to strangle her.

"Oh, no! No, have mercy!" Hayley gasped. "Christine? I am so sorry! I tried so hard to save you, and nothing was accomplished! I am leaving now, Christine… Christine…"

Hayley went limp, dying dramatically.

Everyone in the closet broke out into applause.

Erik wiped his eyes. "That was beautiful…"

MTL smiled humbly. "I know… It totally should have gone that way… Stupid Christine went and broke Erik's heart! What is wrong with her?" She unknowingly tightened her grip on the Punjab a little. Hayley opened her eyes.

"Uh… MTL?" she squeaked.

"I mean, seriously though," MTL continued. "How could she just go and betray the only man who was there for her all those years after her father died? I mean, sure he told a few white lies, but he came clean with everything in the end. I mean, what's so great about stupid Raoul?"

"MTL!" Hayley choked out. "Air!"

"Erik should have killed Raoul the first time he laid eyes on him. Or he should have gotten one of his phans to do it for him. Or maybe he could have just sabotaged Raoul's carriage…"

"MTL!" Hayley gasped, tugging on the Punjab. "Ox… y… gen…"

"Oops," MTL said, loosing her hold on the Punjab. "Sorry…"

"OK…" Mima said. "So, who's next?"

"We are!" Padme and SongBirdsGirl cried out.

"What are you doing?" Mima asked.

"An EM-friendly version of the Phantom of the Opera!" they said in unison.

Everyone just stared at them blankly.

"Padme is Erik and I'm Meg," SongBirdsGirl said.

"Scene one," Padme said. "Hannibal."

"Oh, no!" SongBirdsGirl cried. "That backdrop fell on Carlotta! This must be the work of the Phantom of the Opera! Oh, he must be such a lonely, tortured man if he must amuse himself by doing such terrible things."

"Scene two," Padme said. "Think of me."

"Wow, Christine sounds great!" SongBirdsGirl said. "Her new tutor must be a brilliant teacher! But now that Raoul is back, she will most likely leave him and break his heart. Oh, the poor man!"

Padme pretended to be listening far beneath the opera house. "Christine's voice is good," she said wistfully. "But alas, I feel I need more in a relationship than simply good looks and good music and _great_ sex!" She sighed again. "Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a thirty-five-year-old virgin."

"Scene three," SongBirdsGirl said. "Angel of Music." She got an annoyed look on her face. "Christine, open your eyes! Your new tutor is not an angel! He is a wonderful, ingenious man who has needs and feelings like the rest of us!"

"Scene four," Padme said. "The mirror… Christine, come to me… Say, didn't Meg let you borrow that dress? Wow, Meg always looks good in that dress… I mean, **_I am your Angel of Music_**… Your hair is lovely tonight… Meg always wears her hair like that… I mean, **_come to me_,_ Angel of Music_**…"

"Scene five," SongBirdsGirl said. "The Phantom of the Opera."

"Christine, you sing very nicely," Padme said. "But I need more than that. So, welcome to Dumpville. Population: you."

"Scene six," SongBirdsGirl said. "The magical lasso… Oh, wow! A secret tunnel in a mirror! I wonder if Christine knew about this? Hello? Who's there?"

"It is I," Padme said. "The Phantom of the Opera!"

"Oh, I am not worthy!" SongBirdsGirl cried.

"Come, _ma petite_," Padme said. "Let us make the music of the night."

"Scene seven," SongBirdsGirl said. "Il Muto."

"Oh, Meg dances just wonderfully," Padme said. "I'll have to give her a rose after the show."

"I dance only for my Phantom," SongBirdsGirl said dreamily.

"Scene eight," Padme said. "The rooftop… Meg, you were so beautiful tonight!"

"I couldn't stop thinking about you, my Phantom!"

"I love you, Meg!"

"I love you, Erik!"

"Meg…"

"Erik…"

"Meg…"

"Erik…"

"Meg!"

"Erik!"

"Scene nine," Padme said. "The masquerade."

"Ooh!" SongBirdsGirl squealed. "There's Erik! And he looks so handsome!"

"Play my opera!" Padme thundered. "Now, time to go!" She pretended to disappear in a blazing inferno with SongBirdsGirl in her arms.

"Final scene," SongBirdsGirl said. "Don Juan."

"I hate to cut this lovely opera short," Padme said. "But I have to drop a chandelier on everybody and disappear with my lover. Bye-bye!"

"Oh, Erik!" SongBirdsGirl sighed. "You're so daring!"

"Now, put on this dress…"

"Why?"

"Because I want to marry you, my little Meg…"

"Oh, Erik! _Really_?"

"Of course, Meg. You are the only one this heart beats for."

"Oh, I accept, Erik!"

Padme and SongBirdsGirl hid behind a large fan and pretended to smooch.

"The end!" they said in unison.

There was more thunderous applause.

Erik blinked several times. "That was just disturbing…"

"Oh sure," SongBirdsGirl pouted. "When you kill Raoul, it's beautiful, but when you exhibit feelings towards someone other than Christine, it's disturbing! Hmph!"

"Hey, Hollom?" Leroux said. "Do you have any talents?"

"Why, yes!" he replied. "I can gut a moo-fish in less than twenty seconds!"

"Ew!" Leroux made a face. "Well… Jack, what can you do?"

"Watch this…" He set an apple on top of Leroux's head. Then he pulled out his pistol and aimed it at her.

"Eek!" she cried. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to shoot the apple off of your head," Jack replied. "Don't worry, I've done this before… once…"

Leroux knocked the apple off of her head. "Uh-uh! No way!" She turned to Red Death. "Can you do anything?"

"I can say the entire French alphabet in a burp," he said.

Leroux looked completely grossed out. "Dracula?"

"I am said to be a master in the art of seduction," Dracula said.

"_Really_?" Leroux seemed interested.

Dracula shrugged. "I suppose…"

"Great! Seduce me!"

Dracula shot her a look. "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me!" Leroux cried. "Seduce me! Make me ache with want! Make me turn to jelly under your touch!"

Dracula took a step back from her. "Miss, we've only just met!"

Leroux pouted. "So? That didn't stop you when you went and made brides out of Solina and Valerie and Lucy! You'd only just met _them_!"

"Yes, but… but…" Dracula tried to think of an excuse. "I swore I wouldn't kill anyone!"

Leroux looked disappointed. "Oh… Well, can't you seduce me without making me all undead and stuff?"

"No!" Dracula said quickly. "That would be absolutely impossible!" He sighed in frustration. "Mimiy ālāfbityūt lābātšānbataf iyinbabitšān iyzēnyi?"

"I don't know what you just said," Mima said. "But it sounded filthy."

Leroux sighed. "I guess Erik is my only love, then… Erik, sing something!"

Erik looked at her. "Why?"

"Because!" she cried. "This is a talent show and you're the best at singing! Sing something!"

"But don't sing something cliché like _Music of the Night_, or _Point of No Return_," Robika said.

"Some girls like those songs," Erik pointed out.

"Maybe, but this is a talent show!" Robika said. "It has to be a funny song!"

"Fine," Erik said. "How about another Canada-bashing song?"

"Yes!" all of the America phans cried.

"Very well," Erik sighed. "This is the Canadian national anthem that I wrote… **_Oh_, _when I look around me_, _I can_'_t_ _believe what I see_. _It seems as if this country has lost its will to live_. _The economy is lousy_. _We barely have an army_. _But we can still stand proud_, '_cause Canada_'_s really big_! _We_'_re the second largest country on this planet Earth_. _And if Russia keeps on shrinking_, _then soon we_'_ll be the first_!**"

"As long as we keep Quebec," I put in.

Erik continued. "**_Well_, _the USA has tanks_, _and Switzerland has banks_. _They can keep them_, _thanks_, '_cause_ _they_ _just don_'_t amount_. '_Cause when you get down to it_, _you find out what the truth is_. _It isn_'_t what you do with it_, _it_'_s the size that counts_! _Some people may tell you that France is pretty large_. _But you can_'_t fit fourteen Frances into this land of ours_!**"

"It'd take a lot of work," I said. "It'd take a whole lot of work."

"**_We_'_re larger than Malaysia_,**" Erik sang. "**_Almost as big as Asia_. _We_'_re bigger than Australia_, _and it_'_s a continent_! _So big_, _we seldom bother to go see one another_. _But we often go to other countries for vacation_… _Our mountains are very pointy_. _Our prairies are not_. _The rest is kind of bumpy_. _But man_, _do we have a lot_!**"

"We got a lot of land," I said. "We got a whole lot of land."

Erik belted out the final verse. "**_So stand up and be proud_, _and sing out very loud_. _We stand out from the crowd_, '_cause_ _Canada_'_s really big_!**"

After that, all of the phans got bored, so we threw a closet masked ball. Everybody got dressed up and there was some nice music playing. But then someone brought in some cases of Molson Canadian… And things just went downhill from there…

Skibby, in particular, proved to be a bit too fond of the drink. She was quite hammered, belting out an utterly rousing rendition of 'Danny Boy' whilst encouraging everyone else to join in. Somehow in the middle of it all, some of the Boys from Troy from Tad's closet showed up.

"What's going on?" Achilles asked Erik.

"Someone thought it would be brilliant to throw a party," he replied. "Now half of the phans are drunk."

"Why aren't you drunk?" Paris asked.

"Because it's more fun to remain sober and watch everyone else make asses of themselves."

"It's not nice being drunk," Estelle said. "Just ask a glass of water."

"Oh, very funny," Dracula said sarcastically. "My undead sides are splitting…"

"Eh, lighten up man!" Skibby slurred, slapping Dracula on the back. "Why doncha 'ave a drink wi' me?" She held out a bottle.

Dracula wrinkled his nose at the proffered drink. "I don't drink… beer…"

Skibby looked disappointed. She staggered over to Erik. "How's about you?" She offered the bottle.

"We don't drink beer in Paris."

"I think Paris is the worst-smelling place this earth ever belched up!" the Hair declared, ignoring the annoyed look Erik was currently giving her. "I actually became ill from overexposure to Parisian air, and I was only there for a couple of days! The only good thing about it is the Louvre! The Eiffel Tower irritates me! So does Bonaparte, that chauvinist (INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) tyrant! Go Lord Nelson!"

"I'm offended!" Erik cried.

"Oh well," the Hair shrugged. "I stand by you, no matter how irritated I make you!"

KZ staggered on over, just slightly tipsy, singing _very_ off-key. "**_Drink with me to days gone by_. _Sing with me the songs we knew_. _Here_'_s to handsome men who went to our heads_!**"

Elly joined in. "**_Here_'_s to sexy men we dragged to our beds_!**"

Robika was singing now, too. "**_Here_'_s to them_,_ and here_'_s to you_!**"

Hector nudged Erik. "Bet I can drink more whisky shots than you."

Erik rolled his eyes. "Puh-lease… You think a genius like myself would not also be the master of any drinking game ever invented?"

"Oh, yeah?" Hector goaded him. "Prove it." He set a shot glass down in front of Erik.

"Fine," Erik said. "On three… One… Two… Three!"

Both men downed their shots. It was hard to tell which one of them actually finished first.

"I win!" Hector declared.

"You did not!" Erik cried.

"Fine! Rematch!" The men downed their drinks again. Once more, it was impossible to tell who the winner was.

"I won!" Hector insisted.

"You are a cheater!" Erik accused. "Rematch!"

This went on for some time, until Hector finally passed out from too much drink. Erik wasn't far behind.

"Hah!" Erik laughed at the unconscious Hector. "I win!" He leaned a little too far off of his chair and fell to the floor.

"Damned Engleesh piesh of crap frurnichar!" he cursed.

"I think you're drunk, Erik," WanderingTeen said.

"Nooooo… D'you think?" Even smashed he was sarcastic!

Mrs. Butler sauntered on over, hammered as well. "Chocolate… chocolate…" she mumbled. "I'm bored… Erik!"

"Yesh?" he replied.

"Turtles!" she exclaimed. "And Latin!"

I have no idea where that came from, but it got Erik singing drunkenly.

"**_Dona eis requiem_,_ dona eis requiem_!**"

Mrs. Butler joined in. "**_Agnus dei_,_ agnus dei_,_ agnus dei_!**"

"Latin, Shpaniards, Germans, and Rushians are all retarded!" Erik exclaimed. "I am the only true geniush!"

He had way too much to drink.

"**_I feel happy_!**" Skibby sang. "**_I feel happy_!**" Then she passed out.

"Quick!" Spinner cried, grabbing Skibby by her ankles and dragging her over to the PC. "Let's sell her on E-Bay and use the money to buy a man-thong for Erik!"

"No way!" Erik retorted, staggering to his feet. "Ah'll nevah wear a man-thbbllloon!"

"Sure you will!" Spruce Goose said. "Admit it! You like the feel of lacy lingerie on your skin!"

"Only when Fanny wearsh it," he muttered.

The closet fell into complete silence.

"Fanny?" I repeated. "You mean _Fantine_!"

"The crazy lady from Angel's last fic?" VagrantCandy cried.

"Oh, yeah," Erik grinned drunkenly. "Ssshhe looksh so hot in Victoryah Shecret… Then she liesh on the cousch and jest looksh so pertty…"

All of the phans sitting on the couch immediately jumped to their feet.

"Then she shtartsh talking real dirty-like," Erik continued. "She shez she wantsh to play weeth mah organ…"

"Oh, no!" Spruce Goose cried. "He's spilling out all of his secrets of the universe! Somebody get this guy some coffee!"

"Say," Shadow said. "We could use this to our advantage." She moved over and stood in front of Erik. "Hey, Erik? What's your favourite colour?"

"I alwaysh yooshed to theenk mah favroote cahlar wasth blue, caush it'sh a boy cahlar," Erik said. "But then I realished that jest caush it'sh a boy cahlar, doesh'nt mean I got'sh ta lahke it too… Why confrorm to shoshiety, eh?"

"Uh, right…" Shadow said slowly. "So… what's your favourite colour?"

"Pink!" Erik cried.

"_Really_?" Shadow started giggling.

"Not geerly pink, or anytheeng," Erik said. "Jest regoolar pink…"

"Then why do you always wear black?" Shadow asked.

"Caush I am a shuffering arteesht!" Erik declared. "I am _so_ depresshed…"

"Aww…" Shadow said sadly. "You need a hug." Then she glomped him.

I shook my head. "That was just disturbing…"

Then suddenly, the horrifying occurred… My PC monitor began to glow…

"Uh oh," Shadow said as she got off of Erik. "Nothing good ever comes out of that thing… Except for Gerard Butler… And Johnny Depp… And Orlando Bloom…" She paused thoughtfully. "Outta my way, girls!" she cried, shoving phans aside. "I wanna be the first to greet, uh… Brad Pitt? Tom Cruise? Mel Gibson, maybe?"

Then the closet was plunged into darkness.

"Eek!" Leroux cried. "What happened?"

"I think the light bulb burnt out!" I said.

"Well, do you have a spare?" Leroux asked impatiently.

"I'll have to check the pantry," I said.

"Who'sh grabbing my bum?" Erik asked.

"Did someone come through the PC?" Jack asked.

"Mm-hm…" Dracula grunted in the affirmative.

"How can y'tell?" Jack asked. "I can't see a bloody thing!"

"I have impeccable night-vision, my pillaging friend," Dracula responded.

"Well, who is it?" Red asked.

"Not sure," Dracula said. "But she looks yummy."

The silence in the closet was broken by an evil laugh.

"Hi, honey," a dark voice whispered. "I'm home."

XxXxX

**First phan to review gets to be the one grabbing Erik's butt when the lights finally turn back on!**

**Any ideas as to who just entered the closet? The first phan to guess correctly gets to kiss Erik in the next chapter!**

**Sadly, I think the next chapter will be the last one. I really want to begin posting the sequel to _Monsieur and Madame le Fantôme _and I don't want to start doing it until this one is finished.**

**Oh, by the way, I just got accepted to Nipissing University! YAY! I'm so happy! Just thought I'd share that little tidbit of information.**

**Remember, it is a fanfiction sin to read and not review.**

**See all y'all later!**


	11. Bloody Witchy PC

**Angel: Congratulations to WanderingTeen and MJ-Skywalker for winning the review contest!**

**Erik: I hate you…**

**Angel: And Mrs. Butler… Clodhoppers are the best-tasting candies you'll ever have! They're these little packets of graham cookie smothered in chocolate… They come in vanilla, cookies 'n crème, peanut butter, and so much more! The only thing is, they're highly addictive. It says so on the bag. By the way, happy birthday!**

**Well, enjoy the chapter!**

XxXxX

_**Bloody Witchy PC**_

"I know that voice…" I whispered.

"Yo, Angel!" Mask's impatient voice called. "The lights?"

"Oh, right," I said. "Dracula? Seeing as you're the only person who can, well, _see_, could you possibly replace that light bulb?"

"I have to do everything myself," he grumbled as I heard him trudge off in the direction of the pantry.

"Hey, Dracula?" Jack called. "How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"You can't tell!" Hollom responded. "As soon as the light goes on, they burst into flame!"

Dracula growled. "That's not funny."

"How many Raouls does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Red asked. "Just one. He puts the bulb in the socket, and the world revolves around him!"

Erik laughed drunkenly. "Ha! That'sh a goooooood one! I gotta rerember dat one!" He paused. "Sherioushly, who'sh grabbing my bum?" Apparently, he was still drunk. But the other phans seemed to have miraculously sobered up from Erik's drunken account of why he likes Fantine.

"Well, this ought to do it," Dracula muttered after some shuffling around. The lights went back on, blinding everybody.

As soon as my eyes adjusted, the first thing I saw was WanderingTeen grabbing Erik's bum.

"WanderingTeen!" I cried.

"Oops!" she said, blushing. She removed the offending hand. "My bad."

Then I saw Jack and Alateriel stuffing some loot into their pockets.

"Were you two pillaging while the lights were out?" I asked.

"Uh… no!" they said in unison.

Then I saw Red trapped in a major lip-lock with Mrs. Butler.

"Mrrrffh!" Red's cries were muffled as Mrs. Butler kissed him without mercy. It was clear she wasn't letting go of him any time soon.

Finally, my eyes rested upon the one who had entered the closet just before the lights went out…

There, reclining on the couch in a beautiful nineteenth-century style black dress and a mask that covered the whole top half of her face, was my greatest creation… Fantine.

Not _Les Miserables_' Fantine, mind you. I picked the name because it was French and sounded like _Fantôme_. She was Erik's love-interest in my last story. Last time we saw her, she was married to Erik and expecting a baby.

When Erik saw Fantine, he sobered instantly. "You!" he shrieked.

She gave him a twisted smile. "Well, if it isn't the SOB who got me pregnant," she said sweetly.

"Uh, you don't look pregnant," Red said, having just pried his face from Mrs. Butler.

"Why, thank you!" she said. "That's the kindest thing anyone has said to me all day."

"Oh man, not _her_!" Alateriel groaned. "I _hate_ this chick! She is such a little _chienne_! And she stole Erik, even if he is a chauvinistic arrogant sarcastic pig…"

"Hey!" Erik retorted.

"Oh, don't hate me because I'm beautiful…" Fantine replied sarcastically.

"You're ugly!" Alateriel spat. "That's why you wear a mask!"

"What are you doing here?" Erik demanded.

Fantine raised a brow. "What's wrong, _lover_? Aren't you happy to see me?"

"No, I am not happy to see you!" Erik cried. "I despise you! Get out of here!"

Did I mention that Erik never really liked Fantine outside of my fic? At least, that's what I thought until he began revealing disturbing images of her in Victoria Secret talking dirty to him.

Fantine stretched out on the couch and pretended to think. "Hmm… No… I don't think I will leave. It's rather nice in here. Why, we have a TV, and food, and a torture chamber, and friends!" she gestured at the many people standing in the closet. "Really, Erik… You should have invited me over earlier!"

"By the sounds of things, he's been inviting you over _too_ much!" Dracula muttered.

Fantine glanced in his direction. "Eh? What was that?"

Dracula rolled his eyes. "As if you don't know!"

"Well, Monsieur le Vampire," Fantine said, standing up, "I _don_'_t_ know what you're talking about. So why don't you enlighten me?"

Was it possible for the undead to blush so profusely? Dracula sure was! "Um… er…" he stumbled for words. "You know? Victoria Secret?"

Fantine stared blankly.

"The couch?" he prompted.

Fantine didn't flinch.

"Talking dirty?"

She didn't even blink.

"The organ?"

"Oh, grow a pair!" Jack shouted at Dracula. He turned to Fantine. "Erik here says you always come here wearing Victoria Secret and play with his organ."

Fantine saw red. "He said _what_?" she screamed. Fantine unsheathed her sword and turned on Erik. "You lie like a cheap rug on a Thursday afternoon!"

Erik hid behind Dracula. "Come on, Fantine!" he cried. "I was drunk!"

"Drunk again!" she ranted. "Is that the example you really want to set for our child?"

"We're not _really_ having a kid!" Erik cried.

Fantine paused. "We're not?"

"No! That was just a story! A crappy story out of Angel's twisted brain!"

"Oh." She sheathed her sword. "I guess that means I can take up drinking again." She grabbed a bottle of Molson and popped the cap off on the edge of the coffee table. Then she seated herself on the couch once more. "Now Erik," Fantine began. "I believe you have some 'splaining to do." She took a long swig from the bottle.

Erik looked sheepish. "Well… I was kind of mad at Angel for hooking us up in her last story, so I wrote a spoof of it, only you were porn-star-slash-prostitute, and I was Casanova… My imagination sort of ran wild when I was drunk and I was no longer able to distinguish between reality and fantasy." Erik glanced at me. "Sorry, Angel…"

I stared at him disbelievingly. "I can't believe you'd bash my story like that!" I cried.

"Uh, oh…" the Hair murmured. "That's Erik's wife, and Dracula thinks she looks yummy. _Jealousy_ shall ensue!"

"Ha!" Erik scoffed. "I wouldn't be jealous of _any_ guy who is stupid enough to like _her_! Dracula can have her for lunch for all I care!"

"You really mean that?" Dracula said hopefully as his eyes turned blood red. He turned on Fantine.

Fantine pulled her sword out again. "Come another step closer, and I'll shove this thing through your eye-socket."

"Ooo," Dracula grinned. "I think I'm in love…"

"Do not touch me," Fantine shot back.

"Oh, come on," Dracula insisted. "Being dead isn't all that bad…"

"Let me say this in small words that you'll understand," Fantine said. "I. Don't. Like. You."

Dracula looked confused. "You're the first woman who hasn't fallen into my arms the second I introduce myself!"

"I am honestly surprised." She began filing her nails on her sword.

Dracula glanced at me. He was actually pouting!

"What is wrong with this woman?" he pointed at Fantine.

"Well…" I said slowly. "I did sort of create her to be very saucy and sarcastic… That's probably why she and Erik fell for each other in my story."

"Can you make her…?" Dracula paused, thinking. "I don't know… Somewhat normal?"

"But she would just be another flippin' Mary Sue if I did that!"

Fantine shuddered. "Ew. Don't even say that."

Hector woke up at that moment and dragged himself up off the floor.

"I can't believe I drank so much," he groaned. "Oh, my head!"

"Serves ya right!" Tad wagged a finger at him. "Go lie down on the couch and I'll bring you aspirin and a cold compress."

Hector did as he was told and went and laid down on the couch.

"Silly prince…" Achilles snorted.

"I agree," Tad said. "But that's no reason to call him names, Achilles."

Fantine made a face after taking a particularly long swig of beer. "Man, this stuff is strong."

"I know," Alateriel said. "Canadian beer is _so_ much better than American beer. Like, Canadians are so much more proud of their beer than we are. Canadians are like, '_Beer_! _Gimme_!' And Americans are like, 'Light, fresh, refreshing, wonderful, cool like a mountain spring drink-that-happens-to-have-an-appalling-name-like-beer but we shall call it… beer?'" She shrugged.

"I actually don't really like beer that much," I said. "Give me a vodka cooler or a rum and coke any day… Or pina coladas!"

The Hair scrunched up her face. "Alcohol is icky and it smells!"

"I suppose you have a point," I said.

"But I do love those fics where Erik is walking around drinking out of a bottle of whiskey and pushing Raoul out of windows…" the Hair snickered.

Erik smirked. "I like those fics, too."

"Well, drinking is bad!" Robika said. "Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad… Bad… Bad."

Fantine looked at her bottle guiltily, then dumped it out on the floor.

"Way to make me feel guilty about drinking," she said begrudgingly.

"Oh, sure honey!" Erik said sarcastically. "Just dump your drink anywhere! Pay no attention to the fact that this closet is _my_ pad and you're making a mess of it!"

"Thanks, Erik," Fantine said sweetly. "I am feeling quite at home in here…"

Opera Dove, who was still unconscious from when Dracula hit her, began to stir. She opened her eyes and looked around.

"Oh, my head…" she moaned.

"Oh, good," Red said. "She no longer thinks she's a squirrel."

Opera Dove covered her face. "Oh, it was horrible! The squirrels were in my head! They kept telling me to do horrible things!"

"What horrible things?" Red asked.

"They told me grab Erik's nuts!"

The closet fell into dead silence.

Then there was a cracking sound.

We all looked at Erik, who was standing in the corner cracking open some peanuts and popping them into his mouth.

"What?" he asked.

"That's it," Echo said, striding over to my PC. "I miss my muse…"

"Who's your muse?" I asked.

She reached in and pulled out another Erik. Only this one had a black mask that covered his whole face, and he was really, really skinny.

"It's Leroux!Erik!" Mask cried.

"What Erik-version are you?" Hayley asked my Erik. "Kay? Englund?"

"I'm the _real_ Erik," he replied curtly.

Hayley blinked. "Can I take that to mean that you're some weird hybrid of Crawford and Butler?"

Leroux!Erik was a little disoriented from being thrust into a strange room with odd-looking people. He swayed a bit and put a hand on my desk to steady himself.

I sprayed the area he just touched with disinfectant. "Hey! I can't have you leaving your nasty germs everywhere Mister Stinky-Fingers!" I tossed him a pair of Erik's favourite black leather gloves. "Kindly wear these."

Leroux!Erik looked from me to the gloves I just gave him, back to me. He twitched a bit.

"Careful," Echo warned me. "He tends to go a little crazy when he's upset."

"What?" I asked. "Like, psycho-crazy?"

"No…" Echo thought about it. "More like homicidal-maniac-crazy…"

"Oh, sure," Leroux!Erik finally spoke. "Just keep speaking as though I am not even present…"

"Wow!" MTL cried. "He totally _is_ Leroux!Erik!" She got really close to him and started examining him. "Right down to the month-old corpsey smell! Where did you find him? Did he come with the mask? Is this cloak his too?"

Leroux!Erik didn't like having his personal space invaded. In a flash, he removed his Punjab lasso from his belt.

"Wow! He comes with his own Punjab!" MTL squealed delightedly, oblivious to the fact that Leroux!Erik was about ten seconds away from strangling the life out of her.

He was about to put the noose over her head when Echo spoke up. "Leroux!Erik," she said firmly. "Calmeth thyself, and I'll give you Phantom brownies!"

Leroux!Erik put the noose away, responding to Echo's order like a dog responds to its master.

"Where are the Phantom brownies?" he asked with a hopeful glitter in his amber eyes.

"At home," Echo answered. "If you're good, I'll give you two batches when we return."

"Very sad," Red said, shaking his head. "The original Erik – upon whom every Erik's character has been based – has been housebroken by a teenage girl."

Leroux!Erik glared at Red, but remembered Echo's promise of Phantom brownies if he behaved.

Skibby hung upside down off of the couch and grinned at Leroux!Erik. "I knew he was real!"  
Leroux!Erik stared at Skibby. She was wearing a T-shirt that said 'The Opera Ghost Really Existed' on it.

DarkSilverMaiden skipped over to Leroux!Erik with a basket full of dark chocolate in it. She smiled sweetly at him. "This is for you!"

Leroux!Erik simply stared at her.

"I thought you only gave _me_ dark chocolate," my Erik pouted.

"I brought you a tub of popcorn," DarkSilverMaiden assured him.

Leroux!Erik stared at them both. And I thought _Dracula_ had brought staring to an art form!

Skibby held up a tall glass. "I brought Erik a mushroom smoothie!"

"Ew!" everyone in the closet cried.

"What? They're good!" Skibby took a long drink out of the glass to prove her point. Then she set it down on my desk. "And for Angel, I brought genuine Canadian maple sugar candies!"

"_Gimme_!" I shrieked, nearly tackling her to the floor. I quickly composed myself. "I mean, uh… Thank you…"

"Way to practically glomp me!" Skibby said indignantly, brushing herself off.

"What is glomping anyway?" the Hair asked. "I have no idea what it means to glomp…"

My Erik grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "It's where crazy rabid phan girls jump on you and start huggling you and refuse to let go, usually cutting off your air supply in the process!"

"Calm down," the Hair said.

"Sorry." Erik released her.

The Kitsunekilala appeared. "I want to glomp Ewik!"

Pony rolled her eyes. "Uh yeah, are you stupid? Erik will never let you glomp him."

Kitsunekilala just stood there and stared. Pony approached her slowly. "Uh, hello? Are you okay?" She poked her with a stick. She fell over.

"No!" Pony cried. "I killed her! How could this happen?" She started banging her head on the wall. Then she accidentally knocked herself out.

"I don't want pickles on my ketchup!" Kitsunekilala whined from her place on the floor.

Emma furrowed her brow. "That made absolutely no sense…"

"Who the Hell are you?" Kitsunekilala demanded angrily. "I won't stand for this insolence!" A carrot appeared in her hand.

"And what do you plan to do with that?" Emma asked dryly.

Kitsunekilala waved the carrot at her. "I'm going to kill you with vitamin poisoning!"

While Kitsunekilala chased Emma around with the carrot, the Hair turned to Leroux!Erik.

"Say, Mister Leroux!Erik," the Hair said. "What's your take on the whole spider issue?"

He gave her a strange look. "What?"

"You know? From Kay's book? Man, that story really irritates me sometimes! Every time I get attacked by a spider I have to stand there and debate with myself whether I should kill it or not! That book put me in a dark place. I can't stand the thought of Erik suffering! It makes me so mad! People are so stupid! Honestly, do you really compare yourself to a spider and think that people kill spiders just because they think that they don't deserve to live because they are ugly?"

Leroux!Erik glanced around. "Well… I don't know… I'm not exactly Kay's Erik, but… I don't really consider myself as _low_ on the popularity scale as spiders are… At least I hope not…" At that moment, a small spider crawled across my desk near where he was standing. Quick as a flash, he brought his hand down and squished it. "Damn things…" he muttered.

"Poor little guy," Hollom said sadly.

"Oh, don't be so upset," Erik said sarcastically. "Here… Let me play you a sad tune on the world's smallest violin!"

"No!" Skibby cried. "Let _us_ re-enact a tragic story for you!" She produced Erik's socks, which she had stolen earlier. She gave one to Elly and they put them on their hands like puppets.

"Ah, dear Juliet," Skibby made her sock say. "Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe that unsubstantial death is amorous, and that the lean abhorred monster keeps thee here in dark to be his paramour? For fear of that, I still will stay with thee; and never from this palace of dim night depart again. Here, here will I remain with worms that are thy chambermaids. Oh, here will I set up my everlasting rest, and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, oh you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death!"

Elly and Skibby pressed their socks' 'mouths' together, making them kiss.

"That's a little disturbing," Hayley said.

"Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!" Skibby continued. "Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love! Oh true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die." She made her sock fall over, dead.

"What's here?" Elly made her sock say. "A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. Oh churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips; haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make die with a restorative." She started making her sock kiss Skibby's dead one. "Thy lips are warm. Yea, noise? Then I'll be brief. Oh happy dagger!" She picked up a toothpick. "This is thy sheath." She stabbed her sock repeatedly. "There rust, and let me die." Her sock fell over, dead.

We all clapped.

"How sad," DarkSilverMaiden said. "Say, Erik!" she skipped on over to him. "Guess what? I'm doing _Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again_ for my piano recital! Isn't that cool?"

Erik grunted a response.

"I think that's cool!" I said. "I'm doing _You Raise Me Up_ for my piano recital. I wanted to do _Music of the Night_, but someone else was already doing it, so my teacher wouldn't let me." I pouted.

"What a crummy teacher," Erik snickered.

I glared daggers at him. "_Ahem_, my teacher happens to be my _mother_!"

Erik looked sheepish. "Oops."

"Well, my song's really hard, so I've been having to work on it quite a bit," DarkSilverMaiden said. "I have taken to using my free periods to practice in our auditorium on the grand piano. You could say I have become the Phantom of my school's auditorium, muhehe!"

"Oh, funny…" Erik said dryly.

"Hey, your school has a grand piano?" I cried. "No fair! I have to settle for working on my upright at home, which is like sixty years old! And at school, all we have is dozens of keyboards and one _really_ out-of-tune organ. I want a grand piano!"

"Well, I want Erik!" Darklady said. "You can't always have what you want…" She paused. "On second thought… I _could_ just steal Erik and take him home with me through the PC! And you'd never find me 'cause I'm an American and we don't want you hockey-loving Canadians in our country! So ha!"

Skibby tiptoed over to Darklady. "Better be careful with them Canucks," she whispered. "My father and I were talking the other day about how everyone hates America and how even the peaceable Canadians will eventually start constructing weapons of maple sugar-induced destruction to hurl over the border at us!"

"Peaceable?" Erik snorted. "You should see Angel during the play-offs."

"Wahoo!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs. "Eat it, Yankees!" I started whipping bags of Moose Droppings at everyone.

"_Moose_ _droppings_?" Darklady cried. "Oh man, you're gross!"

"Not _real_ moose droppings," I said. I opened up a bag. "It's candy… Almonds coated in maple sugar and smothered in chocolate. They're the next best thing to clodhoppers!"

"Oh." So we all sat down and ate some moose droppings.

"You know," Skibby said. "My father and I were also talking about how much America sucks and how we should move to Canada."

"That's a great idea," I said. "If you can put up with our whiny government and crappy hockey teams… I think them Yanks cheated!"

Then my PC began to glow…

"What now?" I cried. "Can't they just leave us alone?"

A short little guy hopped through the monitor.

"It's my hobbit-muse!" Skibby squealed in delight. She glomped the poor thing. "Hi, Pippin!"

Pippin gasped for breath while Skibby squeezed. But unfortunately, a little hobbit is no match for a love-struck human girl.

But Pippin didn't come alone…

"Hey!" Leadinglady cried. "It's Chuck Norris!"

Chuck looked around. "Where'd I go?"

"Hey," Mask giggled behind her hands. "I know a great Chuck Norris joke… When God said, 'Let there be light!' Chuck Norris said, 'Say please.'"

"Anyone know this one?" Estelle asked. "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries!"

"Oh, how about this one?" Lux Leroux said. "Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he round-house kicked himself into the world!"

Leadinglady rolled her eyes. "Those jokes get _so_ annoying… Especially when people say them constantly! I guess I'll just have to remove the source of annoyance…" She shoved Chuck back through the monitor. "Sorry… It's for my sanity's sake!"

No sooner had Chuck left than did my PC begin glowing again.

"No!" I shrieked. "Leave us alone!" Three forms appeared from the monitor. I started throwing moose droppings at them.

Strangely, though, the stuff went right through them…

"_We are the ghosts of Opera Houses past_!" a voice boomed.

Tad pulled out one of those _Ghostbusters_ laser-blaster-thingies. "Die, scum!" she yelled.

The ghosts screamed like girls.

"Wait, Tad!" Mima cried. "Hold your fire! That's Javert and Buquet and Piangi! You know? The dudes Erik offed!"

She was right!

"I hate you," Red muttered at Javert. "Do you have _any_ idea how many years of therapy I'm going to need because of you?" Red threw a brick at him. Unfortunately, as Javert was merely a ghost, it just went right through him.

"Ooh, hi ladies!" Buquet grinned.

Emma scoffed. "Didn't we tell you not to mess with the Phantom? We told you not to mess with the Phantom. We told you, didn't we? You heard us, right?"

Piangi looked around, a little dazed. "I'm hungry…"

"Poor Piangi," Mima said. "The unfortunate child of Fate, forced to cross paths with the Phantom…"

"Why are all these dead people in my closet?" Erik demanded.

"Your crimes are coming back to haunt you, Sweetie," Fantine said saucily from her place on the couch.

"Never call me that again," Erik growled at her.

"Ooh, hello toots!" Buquet smiled as he went to sit by Fantine. "Aren't you the prettiest little thing?"

"Apparently you are looking at my cleavage and not my face," Fantine muttered.

"I think I'm in love…"

Fantine rolled her eyes. "Listen, I'm not your type… I'm not inflatable…"

"Wanna take your clothes off?" Buquet asked.

Fantine scowled. "You pinched my ass when I was in the Corps du Ballet!"

"I did? Did you like it?"

Fantine swiped with her sword. Had Buquet been – well, _alive_ – she would have severed his head. But, unfortunately, her blade went clear through him.

Fantine frowned. "It's not nearly as satisfying when they're already dead… Erik, couldn't you have held off on killing this one? I know about fifty chorus girls who would have liked to do him…"

Buquet's eyes brightened. "_Really_?"

Fantine rolled her eyes. "I meant _kill_ you, you stupid, lecherous, alcoholic, smelly, disgusting pervert!"

Buquet giggled. "I like it when they talk dirty…"

"Alright. That tears it!" Fantine grabbed Tad's _Ghostbusters_ laser-blaster-thingy and shot Buquet. He disappeared.

"That was slightly more satisfying." She turned to Piangi. "You always stole my baked potatoes in the dinner hall. Did I ever tell you how much that irritated me?" She shot him and he, too, disappeared.

Finally, she turned to Javert. "And you… Although I have never met you before, I must automatically hate you because you are ugly and dirty… and you used to beat children for money, which I absolutely cannot stand for… even if it _was_ Erik…"

"Thanks honey," Erik muttered.

"So, toodles!" Fantine blasted Javert, and he also disappeared.

"I like this gun," Fantine decided. "It's so much more fun than a sword. It's just like, _zap_! Hmm… I wonder if it works on something besides ghosts…" She pointed the gun at Erik.

"What are you _doing_?" Erik shrieked as he wrestled Fantine for the gun. "Put it down! Drop it! You're going to kill someone!"

"Well, that's the point of owning a gun!" Fantine shot back. "Let go!"

They struggled for a few moments, then the gun accidentally misfired and hit my PC.

"_Erik_!_ Fantine_!" I shrieked. "You hit my PC! You broke it!"

"No we didn't," Fantine retorted. "It looks fine… I'll bet the gun didn't do a thing to it."

"The screen's gone black," I moaned as I went over to my desk and started pushing buttons. "I'll bet that stupid gun sent an electrical surge through it, or something… The hard drive's probably fried!"

I tried to reboot the computer. Suddenly, the monitor came back on and glowed so brightly that I had to shield my eyes. It emitted a terrible sound, like static. I put my hands over my ears. The room began to shake.

I vaguely heard Erik shout something in the background. "Oh, _sh_–!"

Before he could finish the profanity, the chaos suddenly stopped.

"Well, that was weird," I heard Fantine say.

Only now, there was another person in the room with us…

It was Raoul de Chagny!

"_AHHH_!" Erik, Red, and Leroux!Erik screamed.

Raoul, upon seeing so many Eriks, also screamed.

"_AHHH_!"

Erik grabbed a Punjab lasso from under the couch. "Payback time!"

"Where have you brought me, you unnatural monster?" Raoul cried.

"Don't call me a monster, you Fop!" Erik shot back.

"Don't call me a Fop, you monster!" Raoul retorted.

"Fop," Erik repeated. "Fopfopfopfopfopfopfop!"

"Erik, behave," I said. "This is obviously some sort of misunderstanding."

"She's right, Erik," the Hair said. "You shouldn't treat your uncle with such disrespect…"

Raoul shot a look at her. Apparently, he wasn't that dumb after all. "His _what_?"

"The girls did some research," Erik muttered. "Apparently your brother was my father…"

"And Philippe never _told_ me?" Raoul cried.

Leroux!Erik looked back and forth between the two men. "Did I miss something?"

"Raoul's your uncle!" the Hair informed him. "Say, that kind of reminds me of '_Bob_'_s your Uncle_,_ Fannie_'_s your Aunt_!'" She paused. "Raoul's your Uncle… Christine's your Aunt… Ew…"

"This is horrible!" Raoul cried.

"Yeah," Erik grumbled. "To think I'm going to have to start calling you 'Uncle Fop.'"

"Not that!" Raoul said. "I mean my kids! Christine's due to give birth to our first child in a month! What if the 'ugly gene' runs in the family? I could have fathered a child that looks just like _you_!"

Erik scowled.

"What if my child has your face? Or your homicidal tendencies? Or, God forbid…" he shuddered. "…Your mood-swings?"

"Say," the Hair said to Raoul. "Did you know that you look like a girl who was in my homeroom last year?"

Raoul squinted at the Hair. "Do I know you?"

"Of course!" the Hair said. "You _should_ remember me, anyways. I've done so much to torture you! All in Erik's name of course…"

Raoul looked horrified. "You mean…?"

The Hair smirked. "Perhaps this will jog your memory… Remember the time I shaved your head, painted you pink, and set you adrift tied to the mast of a raft, wearing a toga made up of your own _N_'_sync_ bed sheets?"

Raoul screamed. Erik snorted.

"Oh, yeah," the Hair grinned. "Then you were discovered by your buddies in the Navy. Yup, you are Erik's to dispose of, but it is my solemn duty to make your life miserable until that day comes."

Raoul sat down on the couch and started to pout. "I need a hug…"

"Here," Robika said, handing him a falafel sandwich. "Eat this. It will make you feel better."

Raoul reached out to take from her, but then she uh… ahem… _accidentally_ dripped some of the white sauce stuff from the sandwich onto his pants.

"Hey!" Raoul cried. "This is _real_ velvet! You just got sauce all over it! I'm never gonna get it out!"

"You really are a Fop," Mrs. Butler muttered.

"I am not," Raoul retorted.

"You are too!" she insisted. "Look it up. The definition of a fop is someone who is painfully obsessed with his appearance."

"I am _not_ obsessed with my appearance…" Raoul paused. "Do I have something on my face? Does my hair look alright?"

"Here, we'll get that stain out of your pants," Robika promised. She started wiping it with a napkin, but it wouldn't come off.

"I have an idea," Shadow said. She held up a water bottle and wetted a paper towel. "Here… now just let me get that for – oops!"

She… erm… cough… _unintentionally_ spilt her water bottle all over his pants.

"Ack!" Raoul screeched. "That's cold!"

"Well, we'll just have to take them off and dry them," KZ said. Before Raoul could react, she tore his pants off… revealing his Phantom of the Opera boxers.

"What?" Raoul said when he saw that we were all staring at his… er… _attire_. "These were a Christmas present!"

"Christine gave you _those_?" Erik asked excitedly. He grinned. "Oh yeah… I knew she still loved me!"

Raoul stuck his tongue out at Erik. "So what? All of _your_ phans love me too!"

Erik raised a brow. "What on earth ever gave you that impression?"

Raoul pointed at the Fop-doll in the corner. "They have a sex-doll of me!"

Erik shook his head. "I regret to inform you that that is not a sex-doll…" His eyes widened. "Oh, man! I just got a mental image!" He hit his head against the wall. "Out of my head! Out! Out!"

Raoul kept staring at the doll and paid no attention to Erik's little display. "If it's not a sex-doll, what's it for?"

Mask grinned. "Wanna see?" She pushed a little button behind the doll's ear.

"**_Say you_'_ll share with me one love_,_ one lifetime_!**" it sang!

"Aww, how cute!" Raoul said.

Mask pushed a button behind the other ear. It made the doll's voice crack.

"Now watch this!" Blue grinned. She kicked the doll between the legs. It started singing soprano.

Raoul looked really freaked out. "What the Hell?"

"And watch this!" Kopher da Gopher put a Punjab lasso over Raoul's head and started to choke him.

"Kopher!" Estelle cried. "The doll! Not the real Raoul!"

"Oops!" Kopher removed the noose from Raoul's head and he gasped for breath.

"What… was that… for?" he gasped.

"Like this," Estelle took the noose from Kopher and put it over the doll's head. When she tugged on it, the doll made choking and gurgling noises.

"Look," Leroux said. "When you stick a pencil in his eye, he actually bleeds!"

KZ set the doll's hair on fire. "Burn, baby! Burn!"

The doll made horrible screeching noises.

"_Gaagh_!" Shadow ripped one of the doll's arms off.

"Stop!" Raoul cried. "I'm scared!"

"Don't be scared!" a short little redhead said to him. "Everything will be A-okay!"

Raoul stared at her. "Who are you?"

"I am Miss Black Shadow!" she said. "And I love Leroux!Erik!" She took the opportunity to glomp Leroux!Erik.

"I have to get out of here!" Raoul cried.

"Sorry, Mr. Fop," Mima said. "We're all stuck in here."

"Stuck?" Raoul repeated.

"Yup," Mima said. "We're trapped in this closet."

Raoul looked around at the various people in the room, playing cards, watching TV, and glomping muses.

"Well, then why isn't anyone _doing_ anything?" Raoul demanded.

We all paused and the closet fell into silence.

"That's a good question," Erik admitted. "We should put our heads together and figure out a way to escape!"

"But Erik, we've been through this before!" Emma said.

"There has to be something we haven't thought of yet!" Erik insisted.

"I have an army of rubber duckies!" Miss Black Shadow announced.

Erik mulled it over in his mind. "Impermeable closet wall versus rubber duckies… Hmm… No, no good."

"What about my evil paper shredder?" she suggested.

"Well, that would be good if the wall was made of paper," Erik said. "But it's made of some indestructible alloy…" Erik glared at me. "Nice going."

"Well, the point was to make it so you _couldn_'_t_ escape," I pointed out.

"How about my magical Staff of Authoress Powers?" She held up a tall staff made of black, polished wood with silver etchings running up and down its length. On its top, there was an emerald in the shape of a flame.

"Ooh, pretty!" Raoul exclaimed.

"Yeah," Miss Black Shadow said. "It's shiny." She stopped and stared at her staff.

"Hello? Hello?" Erik snapped his fingers in front her face. "Anybody home?"

"Oh, sorry!" she snapped back to reality. "I sometimes get distracted by shiny objects."

"Well, try the staff!" Erik said. "That seems to have some potential!"

"Okey-dokey." She pointed her staff at one of the walls. "Get us out of here!"

The flame on her staff glowed brilliantly.

"Oh, this is gonna be good," Hollom said. "I can tell!"

The staff sparked a bit then went out.

"What the INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE is going on here?" Erik demanded. "Everything we try to do to escape somehow fails! What is going on? Is this some kind of evil punishment? Is someone out to get me? _NOOOOO_!" Erik fell to his knees and grabbed my legs, burying his face against me.

"How pathetic," Dracula muttered.

"He needs comfort food," Miss Black Shadow said. She pulled an apple out of nowhere.

"I hate fruit," Erik murmured.

"But you really should try to have at least two servings a day," a voice said. "Otherwise, you'll get scurvy."

Erik looked up. "Miss Elphie! Thank goodness you're here!"

"Oh, no!" Mask cried. "It's the Wicked Witch of the West!"

MJ hugged her green friend protectively. "She's not wicked! She's just misunderstood!"

"And she's the only person I speak civilly to!" Erik said as he got to his feet.

"So why don't you marry _her_?" Fantine asked from the couch.

Erik looked at Fantine. "Because, alas, we are from two different worlds. It would never work between us, except maybe in a Phantom Universe – Oz crossover fic."

"Oh, great idea!" MJ produced a pencil and pad of paper and began to write.

"And I don't feel so self-conscious about my, er… _birth defect_, when Erik's around!" Elphie said.

"Yeah," Erik mumbled. "'Cause mine's worse…"

"But no matter," Elphie said, twirling her broom. "You are a brilliant gentleman nonetheless."

"Oh, would you two quit flirting?" KZ snapped.

"A witch does not flirt," Elphie put her nose in the air. "Besides, I have a higher purpose for coming here. I have been working on an escape plan, and I think I've got it."

"At last!" Erik cried. "What is it?"

"Well," Elphie began. "I've been working on this spell that makes it possible for one to walk through impermeable walls."

"_Really_?" Erik said.

"Yes, now it won't work on me, and I wouldn't want to take the chance with _you_ Erik, in case something goes wrong. I thought perhaps someone that nobody likes." A malicious smile came to her lips. "Someone we wouldn't care if something happened to."

Everyone automatically looked at Dracula.

"I hate all of you, too," he muttered.

"How about it, Mr. Vampire?" Elphie asked. "Are you up to the challenge?"

Dracula sighed as he stood up. "Like I said… Existence is overrated…"

"I'll take that as a yes." Elphie pointed her broom at Dracula and said some strange words. There was a small flash of light.

"Ta-da!" Elphie said. "It's done."

"I don't feel any different," Dracula said.

"Walk through that wall," Elphie pointed at the closest wall.

Dracula went over to the wall and tentatively touched it. His hand went right through.

"Hey, cool!" Dracula said.

"Hurry!" Elphie urged him to walk through.

Dracula started walking. "Hey, I think this spell is a succe–" Dracula stopped. "Crap!"

"What is it?" Elphie asked.

"I'm stuck!"

"_What_?"

"What, you no spreckon zee Engleesh? I'm stuck!"

"How could this happen?" Elphie wondered. "The spell is supposed to last for at least half an hour!"

"Well, it didn't last for half a minute!" Dracula snapped. "Now do something! Get me out of here!"

"Sorry," Elphie said. "I haven't been working on my dematerialization spell… I'd probably end up turning you into a rabbit, or something."

Blue giggled. "Bunicula!"

Dracula growled. "If I am not out of here in exactly twenty seconds, I will be one _very_ unhappy vampire!"

Elphie turned to Erik. "Sorry. It was worth a shot."

"No!" MJ cried. "We're stuck in here forever! We're gonna die!"

"Now, _die_ is a strong word," Invaderoperaghost tried to calm her.

"I'm so young!" MJ moaned. "I had so much to give! I was supposed to mow the _lawn_!" She turned on Erik. "Since we're all gonna die, I have to tell you this now… I love you, Erik! I've loved you since the moment I saw Gerard Butler's portrayal of you in that movie!"

"I already knew you love me," Erik said dryly. "Every last female in this room loves me!"

"If it makes you feel any better, Erik," Spruce Goose said, "I'm probably the only girl in the world who doesn't analyse your butt. Partially because I'm too young. Also, I'm more of a music fan myself."

"That will be a comforting thought on a cold evening, Jane," Erik muttered.

She practically went ballistic on him. "_MY NAME ISN'T JANE_!"

"I can't die without first feeling your touch!" MJ cried. "Kiss me, Erik!"

With that, she launched herself at Erik and in seconds had him trapped in a major lip-lock with a lot of tongue action (**Happy Victoria Day, MJ**).

Elphie rolled her eyes. "Oh, brother…"

"Don't worry, MJ," Invaderoperaghost said. "I've been working on this, and I think this will get us out of here." She held up what appeared to be a ray gun.

"What's that?" Raoul asked, looking a little scared.

"This is a Zap-O-Matic," she answered. "It's fashioned after those ray gun things that the aliens used in _War of the Worlds_." She grinned. "In the movie, the rays destroyed human cells, leaving only their clothes behind. But I've reversed its frequency. I believe it will help us escape."

"Ooh, it's shiny!" Miss Black Shadow exclaimed. She lunged at Invaderoperaghost. "Let me touch it!"

"No!" Invaderoperaghost cried. "Be careful! _Ah_!"

The gun accidentally misfired, and Red was hit by the ray!

"No!" Elly cried. "My muse!"

I knew what she was thinking, for I was thinking it too. Red was done for! But when the smoke cleared, we found that Red had not disintegrated. He was still there, perfectly unharmed. Only he was… well… um… there's really no easy way of putting this… He… well, he… _Sigh_…

He was as naked as the day he was born…

Red didn't seem to be quite aware of what had happened to him. All he knew was that he was currently being ogled by every single girl in the closet.

"What?" he asked.

"Wow," Mrs. Butler breathed. "He _totally_ has Gerry's bod!"

Red looked down at himself and, realizing his lack of attire, turned as red as his clothes had been. He hastily grabbed a cushion off the couch and held it in front of himself, attempting some form of modesty.

"Gerry!" Mrs. Butler squealed as she glomped him again, kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey, that's _my_ muse!" Elly cried. "Gimme!" She glomped him, too.

Pretty soon, there was a dog pile on Red. Dracula was still half stuck in the wall and, having nothing better to do, started bickering with Fantine.

"You smell like death!" Fantine snapped at him.

"You smell like a five-cent prostitute!" Dracula snapped back.

"I'll slice off your head!"

"I'll rip out your throat!"

I put my hands over my ears and started rocking myself back and forth, trying to block out the sounds of mayhem. "It's chaos!" I cried. "It's maddening!"

Then I heard a sound I thought I'd never hear again.

The sound of the closet door down the tunnel opening!

Everyone stopped what they were doing. The girls got off of Red, Dracula and Fantine stopped arguing, and Raoul stopped brushing his hair.

"Did you hear that, Erik?" I cried. "We're free!"

I was about to boot it down the tunnel when the last person I expected to see emerged from the tunnel.

Adam, my annoying older brother…

"You!" I cried.

"Mom wants you to do your homework now," he said dully.

"Huh?" I was so confused. "How'd you know where to find me?"

Adam rolled his eyes. "I've known about this place forever," he replied. "I read about it in your diary."

"You did _what_?" I shrieked.

"Yeah, I thought you were just crazy until I actually found the secret entrance."

"You read my diary _and_ snooped around in my closet?" I was ready to throttle him.

"That's not all I did," Adam said with a grin. "I locked you in here, too."

"But _why_?"

"For my Biology project."

"Biology?" I snickered. "I never have to take that again!"

Adam frowned. "Laugh it up! Anyways, we had to study something of scientific importance. So I decided to observe people's psychotic reactions when forced among people of disagreeing views."

"You've been _watching_ us?" I cried.

Adam shuddered. "Yeah… And believe me, some of it was _very_ hard to watch. Like when Erik had no clothes on? And Raoul lost his pants? And Red got naked? Ew."

"How?"

Adam gestured at the TV. "I put a hidden camera in the TV. I could see the whole room!"

"And the PC? With all the weird things coming out of it?"

Adam grinned. "I programmed a special system that turned your PC into a portal… Clever, eh? Of course, at the end of this experiment the program will automatically delete itself and your computer will be exactly the way it was."

"But what about Mom and Dad?" I cried. "Or Warren, or Ian, or Ozz, or Tamara, or Joel, or Cody, or Krystal, or Mr. Tonkin, or Girdy? Didn't anybody wonder where I was?"

"Of course not!" Adam replied. "I told them that you volunteered to be in my experiment and that you couldn't have any contact with anyone for a few days."

"That was a rotten thing to do!" I growled.

Erik stood up and pulled out his Punjab lasso. "So all this time, we've just been stuck in some sort of claustrophobic psycho ward?"

Adam paused, thinking. "Well…" Then he nodded. "Yup. That's pretty much how it is."

"We should put you in the torture chamber!" Erik snarled. All the phans jumped to their feet to support him.

"_And_ I'm telling your fiancée!" I threatened.

"Sorry, Sis," Adam said as he pulled out a small, cylindrical object, no bigger than a pen. "Tomorrow morning, you won't remember a thing… It's too bad, 'cause I think this is gonna get an A."

_Flash_.

XxXxX

**_Sniff_…_ Sniff_… The next chapter will be the last!**

**It won't be very long, though. Just a quicky to wrap it all up. And it'll only be ErikMe. Sorry, guys. It's been fun having all of you in the closet.**

**_Fanfiction commandment_: Thou shalt not read thy neighbour's fanfic and not leave a review.**


	12. Coming Out of the Closet

**Angel: _Sniffle_, the end is near!**

**Erik: Cry me a river.**

**Angel: (_cries a river_).**

**Erik: I didn't mean literally.**

**Angel: Well, I hope you're all satisfied with the ending. Enjoy!**

XxXxX

_**Coming Out of the Closet**_

You know what makes an authoress' day? Logging onto her e-mail and finding her inbox crammed full of review alerts. As an authoress, I love reading reviews… even bad ones! So you can imagine how excited I was when I woke up on Saturday morning… I had gotten eighteen reviews on Thursday morning… twenty-one on Friday morning… and of course, I knew full-well what any reader of fanfiction does on a Friday night… After a long week of school and homework, they get online and review some more! I was expecting my inbox to be overflowing with review alerts.

Damn, why does this all seem so familiar?

I got dressed and left my room to feed Ginger and Cinnamon… As I emerged from my room, I saw my brother.

"Hey Sis," he said. He snorted a bit. "Have a nice sleep?"

"Yeah, I guess," I replied. I was feeling a little suspicious. Adam isn't normally this friendly. "Did you put my hand in a bowl of water again?"

"Nope," he snorted some more. "I didn't do anything, Sis. You're way too paranoid."

I raised a brow at him. Then I simply shrugged and went and fed my cats. Afterwards, I went into my closet. I pushed a few shirts aside and pushed a secret button that only I and one other person know about…

When I pushed the secret button, a secret doorway opened and I passed through a secret tunnel into a secret room… Totally _Chronicles of Narnia_ style!

"Angel, have you ever thought of getting a _real_ life?" a voice called out grumpily as I entered the room.

"No, not really," I replied nonchalantly.

_That_ would be my partner. Erik, the Phantom of the Opera…

Erik was lying stretched across the beat-up leather couch at one end of the small room, remote in hand, channel-surfing on the eighteen-inch screen TV. Typical male. I went over to my desk with my PC and turned it on. While I waited for it to warm up, I went over to the couch where Erik was still channel-surfing.

"What's on?" I asked.

"_Star Wars Episode III_," he said without looking up from the TV.

"I thought you hated that movie," I said as I pushed his legs off the couch and sat down.

Erik paused. "Yeah, so did I…"

I shot him a look. "So why are you watching it?"

"Why do women always have to make _conversation_?" he growled. "I'm trying to watch TV!"

"You _always_ watch TV! Why don't you get a hobby?"

"I have one!" he snapped. "I write operas during commercial breaks!"

I paused. "Is it just me, or have we had this conversation before?"

Erik turned back to the TV. "It's just you."

Sighing, I got up from the couch and went over to my PC. After waiting for the crummy dial-up to finally connect to the Internet, I immediately went to hotmail. Tapping my fingers on the desk, I waited while hotmail signed me in.

As I expected, my inbox was overflowing with review alerts. A started skimming through them.

"'Angel, I love you…'" I started reading them out loud. "'Angel, I hate you…' 'Angel, if you write one more crappy chapter I'll hunt you down and gut you like a fish…' Ooh, I wasn't expecting _her_ to review!"

"Must you read out loud?" Erik asked, annoyed. Then he paused. "Is there one for me?"

"Uh, yeah… 'Erik, I love you and will follow you blindly…' 'Erik, you have a very nice bum…' 'Erik, please marry me…'"

Erik raised an eyebrow. "Wasn't expecting _her_ to review… Any popcorn?"

"Yeah, tons," I replied. As I went through my reviews, I started coming upon some very strange ones.

"'Dear Angel, don't worry, we'll think of a way to get you out of that closet…' That's strange. I wonder what would make them think that I need out of here?"

"Maybe someone finally picked up that SOS I sent out," Erik suggested with a smirk.

"Ha, ha, very funny," I said. I was quiet for a while. "Erik?"

"Hmm?"

"Does any of this seem familiar to you?"

Erik scratched his head. "Now that you mention it, I have been experiencing some feelings of déjà vu this morning… I didn't think anything of it though, because I normally do the exact same thing every morning anyways…"

I kept going through the reviews. They were getting stranger by the minute. Sleepovers? Star Wars marathons? Fop-dolls? Squirrels? Dracula? Asking permission to kiss Gerard Butler?

And a _torture chamber_?

"Erik," I said. "You wouldn't happen to know about a Chair of Impending Doom, would you?"

Erik got this panicked look on his face. Then he quickly composed himself. "No. Of course not. Why do you ask?"

"Someone named Don Juanita keeps asking about it."

Erik picked up a copy of _The Daily Phantom_ and started reading. "She's probably just crazy. Like you."

I rolled my eyes and continued to read. "There's a lot of really random stuff in here," I said. "Something about me and you being stuck in the closet and strange things coming through my PC monitor… As if that were even physically possible!" I paused. "I wonder how'd they fit through it, though…"

I was almost done reading the reviews. They were not at all what I was expecting to read, but I had to admit that they were rather amusing. Then something sitting on the edge of my desk caught my eye. I reached over and picked it up.

It appeared to be a mushroom smoothie.

I looked over at Erik. "Erik?"

"What?"

"Is this yours?"

Erik looked over at the glass in my hands. He made a face. "Ew, no. It looks disgusting!"

I was silent for a long time. "Erik?"

"What is it now?" he snapped.

"Do you think there might be a grain of truth to some of these crazy reviews?"

Erik rolled his eyes. "Of course not! Like I said, your friends are just as crazy as you are!"

I put the smoothie back on my desk. "I guess you're right… But it would make a great fic, don't you agree?"

Erik didn't look up from his newspaper. "Whatever," he mumbled.

"I think I'll write one," I said as I closed down hotmail.

Erik looked up at me. "I guess that means you're going to be in here for the next five hours, huh?"

"Sure am," I replied as I opened up my Word program.

Erik rolled his eyes. "Great. Will you keep it down, at least?"

I looked at Erik with a grin. "Come now, Erik… You know not to talk to me while I'm writing… You'll throw off my groove!"

Erik smirked and went back to his reading. "Whatever you say, Angel…"

Laughing to myself, I turned back to my PC and started to type.

THE END

XxXxX

**For Tadriendra of Mirkwood: _As I was typing Hector and Achilles streaked by_. "_Achilles_!"_ Hector screamed_. "_That_'_s the last time I go drinking with you_!"**

**THE END**

**Angel: _Sob_!**

**Erik: I find it ironic how, in the end, you're still in the closet.**

**Angel: I didn't want it to end!**

**Erik: All good things must come to an end, my dear.**

**Angel: Well, we want to thank all of you loyal readers out there who helped us write this. It was really fun, and we hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. This has been great guys. I love you all! God bless!**


End file.
